male friends

Avatar for connie2111
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
male friends
6
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 5:35pm
Recently, one of my female friend has been lecturing me to not be physically involved with a guy when I first meet them but rather be friends with them first. I have been meeting alot of guy friends off and on, but its seems like theres a friction. Dont get me wrong, I dont do anything physically with them. However, I did date this one guy and got physically involved and thats when I told my girlfriend i was hurt and all.

She told me to not think of them as potential bf's but rather just friends. I told her that there is no reason for me not to be friends with guys first, but it just so happens that sometimes guys dont wanna be friends with me because I am not interested in them or vice versa. Is it wrong when I first meet a guy to think of him as a potential person to date..or just close my eyes and not think about it and be friends. I know I have a habit of thinking of a "potential bf" when I first meet a guy, but I cant control it. Is that too wrong to think that way???

My friend told me this: I have a problem that deep down inside I dont see guys as friends rather I see guys as potential boyfriends and thats all I see . . . and thats my biggest problem . . . .u might not agree with it now but thats my honest opinion).




Edited 6/23/2003 5:40:11 PM ET by connie2111

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 5:42pm
There is a third option, ya know! You could look at a guy as a potential bf but take several months to get to know him before you get physically involved with him! So I guess I disagree with your friend...getting to know someone by dating them for a while isn't the same thing, to me, as being platonic friends with them.

If I'm attracted to someone, and they are interested in me romantically, I don't put them in a "friends" category. I date them to see if we are right for each other. We might become platonic friends if things don't work out, but it sure doesn't start off that way.

Sheri

Avatar for connie2111
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 5:50pm
Thats what I am totally trying to explain to her but she is so adament of the fact that i have to see male friends as only friends first and not think about anything. Im glad at least someone understands me cause I was going crazy and asking myself if I had done things wrong. I agree with you and I like the third option! Thanks So much for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:40pm
I am 36 and if a man told me he wanted to be friends first before dating me I'd say "next!" - I don't need to be physical right away but the context has to be that we are dating to see if there is potential for a future - whether we kiss on the first date or not till the third, that is not an issue but the mindset has to be - can we be a couple and have a future together. I have plenty of platonic male and female friends and I don't need more. I do agree that it is a good idea to wait for sex until you are committed and know each other well but that does not need to be done in the context of "we're just friends at first" - rather, you get to know each other for a few months in a dating context and decide what pace to take the sexual intimacy. JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 1:48pm
First, you're doing nothing wrong and don't let anyone try to change you or how you feel.

Now, I had male friends all through college and into my professional career. For some reason, I have always related to males better. The question for you is when you say you meet a guy and see him as a potential BF, what setting are you in? Are you in a bar, restaurant, mall, car?? I ask b/c I used to see very single guy I met or saw as a potential either hook-up or date!! It's perfectly normal. I'd say don't force it and try to make a guy friend into BF. Sounds like you're just an outgoing fun person who would like to have a BF. This is a huge world w/ lots of men running around! :)

I have always said that the person I marry will be my friend first and that's what has happened to me! I'm getting married in August and we were friends, met at work, then as we talked more and became more open and comfortable he asked me on a date. There's always some concern about ruining a friendship by taking it to the next step and dating him. That's the risk you take. Better to take risks than not know what might have been...

So to end this, you go find male friends or potential BFs and have fun!! That's what it's all about. :)

Good luck...

K

PS--Do you think your friend might be jealous of you b/c that could cause her to say the things she's said. Just a thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 3:08pm
i agree with deena.

your friend is giving you some baaad advice.

Avatar for connie2111
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: connie2111
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 7:51pm
Hi Kim~ Thanks for your good advice.

The guys I meet or either from mutual friends or at a bar but i really give it a secod thought about dating them, its mostly through friends. It was only one time I made a bad mistake was meeting the guy through my friend that made that comment to me. I dont know what is wrong with her. I really doubted myself If i was being a bad person. I know its a normal thing to think about when guys meet girl. However, i really think the reason she is telling me this is because she herself approaches guys like that. There was a time she even commented that she is not attractive and the only way to have guys like her is through her personality. Now, I know Im not bad looking, maybe you are right she is somewhat jealous of me. The attention I am getting from guys and so forth. I never thought about the jealousy part but probably its true.

I also agree with the previous messages that i dont have time to meet so many so called "guy friends." I not 18 years old anymore. I am 27 years old and by meeting so many guys will not benefit me one bit. What for? I have enough to make my days by already, But for her she needs to have a good personality so guys can like her from within instead of her appearance.

I dont mind being friends first, but the bugging advice from her was that I "shouldnt even thinking about dating them at all" I thought that was mind boggling. Dont you all agree?