Marital Pressure

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Marital Pressure
12
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:44am
My new book features a woman who feels so pressured to have a boyfriend that's leading to marriage, she makes one up for her mother's sake. That seems like an awful lot of pressure to me!

Do you feel pressure to get married, or at least have a boyfriend (gf)? If so, from who and how? Do you respond to it? What do you say?


I'm generally very secretive about my personal life with my family, and my mom knows that the more she asks, the more secretive I get, so I don't feel much pressure from her. I do feel like I'd fit in more if I were, though. As of July 12, I'll be the only single person without kids in my building. It feels like I'm the only one in the world.

Pages

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 11:57am
I get pressure from my grandmother all the time. She keeps telling me I need to get married and have great grandchildren for her. I respond by telling her that she already has great grandchildren, but they happen to be feline.

And Shy, you're not the only single person without kids. I'm right there with you.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:39pm
My mother hasn't even mentioned kids. My older sister has three kids, and only one of them is tolerable for more than an hour. I think she's relieved that I don't have them yet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 6:43am
Well, I am 34, no children and divorced. I do have a boyfriend, but he is just that at this time.

It will happen for you when you are ready period. I really do think that statistics show that there are more single people out there than married ones. Unfortuntely, they are just not living in your building.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 2:17pm
I get that all the time! My mom is CONSTANTLY trying to set me up with these "nice boys" or "nice men". You know what I tell her? "Mom, I'm not looking for anyone right now", "Mom, from what you've said, it sound like they have **whatever flaw I'm not willing to accept**, thanks, but I'll just stay single", "Mom, I don't need a man in my life". Sometimes, I just laugh and say "yeah, sure, I'm getting married before I die". If you are constantly receiving pressure to be or do something that's not you, ask yourself, why are you letting that person pressure you in the first place?

You're not the only one in the world, I've been counting down the years since I was 15 until I can get my tubes tied and NEVER have kids. =P
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:07pm
I guess I am pretty lucky I don't feel pressure to get married. Maybe because my parents were divorced my mom would rather me wait and find the right one than to rush and not be happy. Marriage is not always what it's cracked up to be. I know couples that I wonder why they are married because they seem so unhappy. I would rather be alone than to be in an unhappy marriage. Actually I get more pressure to have kids than to get married. I told my family years ago that I was never having any and they are always why? I don't understand. Not everyone in this world wants to be a mom. So I just ignore them all and go about my way as you should to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:54pm
I think you need a change of attitude. Why don't you focus on other similarities you have with people besides a family. Sometimes family members want reassurance that they are individuals. I think also that pressure to get married leads to worry which = bad relationships if one is worried all the time if this is the one that leads to marriage or is it just going to end? Having a boyfriend in my opinion is a major worry. I have spend a lot of time taking care of men who didn't have any idea if we would be together or not in the end. I could have spent that time focusing on myself and feeling confident in my abilities rather than pleasing someone in hopes of becoming their wife.

Boyfriends are really silly things for teenagers that like to feel special. When it comes to feeling real most men are not concerned with sincere moments. They are concerned with finding sex on an easy basis, but looking good and upright and like they are doing the right thing.

Marriage is really something for a person who is willing to give themselves to another person and that includes children. Children become your life.

Somehow boyfriends and marriage do not fall into the same catagory. Rushing to get married only mades a gf and bf relationship feel like they have commited themselves to something other than what they had before. I think a marriage comes from self sacrifice, and you cannot be the same woman who played girlfriend when you are a wife. The degree of responsibility changes, and to rush into this change creates a half way relationship, and not the full thing.

I plan to stay single. I have tried living together, being engaged, and the boyfriend thing...so I admit I never tied the not however I feel like I have experienced enough in physical terms with the opposite sex, I am willing to sit back and be more spiritual and maybe a bit more self absorbed with my life now.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:30pm
Actually, my attitude is just fine. I am not a teenager pining for a boyfriend. I am a professional woman who wants to find a good man to spend the rest of my life with. It is a goal of mine, and always has been. Just like I have a goal to get my masters and eventually own a house. No one would ever tell me to give up on those goals, so why should I consider my goal of a marriage any less important?

Like I said, I don't feel pressure from my family because they know me and they know that I wouldn't respond to it. I don't pressure myself either. I won't, however, give up on a goal just because it's not "okay" to say I have it.

As for my friends, they are the ones who focus on their similarities to each other. I know SO much about buying houses and pregnancy now, but they know very little about my life. It's just different talking to someone who is going through the same things I am.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:35pm
I don't think there's anything wrong with your goal. If you'd like to meet a man and get married that's a great goal to work towards. You are obviously not letting it consume your life, but it's still something you want. And, as someone who has accomplished your other 2 goals, they're definitely worth the work. It's a great feeling to actually finish a master's degree and owning a house really gives you a feeling of independence. I have no doubt you'll accomplish all 3 of your goals.

I think what the previous poster really doesn't understand is that, as you pointed out, were not a bunch of kids here desperate for boyfriends. Many of us are in our 20s and 30s, have established careers, and are ready to settle down and there's nothing wrong with that.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:15pm
You own your own house? I'm envious! I've played around with the idea, but I just can't afford it right now. Too much cash upfront for me. When I finish my masters, I'll get about a $6,000 raise, and THEN it might be affordable to me. Really, it's just the fact that I could do anything I want to it and not get into trouble. I really, really want to paint my walls right now, but I'm afraid that I'll get charged out the wazzoo when I move out, even though they have to paint anyway! That, and I'd really love to have a place to plant flowers and maybe have a little garden. I have flowers in pots on my patio, but it's just not the same. Plus, I think the guy who lives above me lets his dog pee on them from his deck. Ick!

You may have said this before, but what do you do for a living?

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 11:40am
It's funny you should mention the urge to paint. I was so tired of white walls after years of renting apartments that the first thing I did when I bought my house was paint a room green. I also went out and bought rose bushes because I finally have a yard to grow my own flowers. I actually just have a fairly small townhouse way out in the DC suburbs (about 15 miles from the city). Housing prices here are very high, so I couldn't afford more than that.

In answer to your question, I currently work in survey research, but expect to be switching to a government job in the next few weeks (or perhaps months--government hiring moves at a snail's pace).

Pages