Maybe things happen for a reason?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Maybe things happen for a reason?
9
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 12:27pm

A couple of weeks ago I posted about how I went to a club with a friend of mine, I was kind of interested in this guy & I left before she did (I had to go to work the next day but she didn't) and he ended up asking her out.  she texted me to ask if I would mind if she went out w/ him cause she didn't want me to be mad at her.  Since I could tell that night that he wasn't interested in me anyway, I told her she might as well go.

So she called me to report on the date and she didn't have fun with him.  Now first of all, I don't know why she even bothered to give him her number cause she told him she wasn't interested in dating--I think he was just persistent.  Then she said she wasn't attracted to him--well I was, but everybody has their own preference for looks.  so I do think she went into it not liking him and had a more negative view.  I asked why she didn't have fun and first she said they got lost on the way to the restaurant (or he got lost on the way to her house--I couldn't hear her on the cell phone that well) because he didn't either Google the directions first and he didn't have a GPS.  And I guess he went way out of the way.  Then he called her "hon" and "babe" which she thought was too forward for the 1st date--I guess if you don't really like someone, that makes you cringe, if you liked someone a lot, you'd be thrilled, right?  The thing that stood out for me was that she said that he gambled a lot on poker, like betting $10,000 on a game--I don't really have much tolerance for gambling.  If he wins regularly, that's fine--some people can make a living out of playing poker, but if he loses, it's irresponsible.  He has 5 kids--teens or older and I imagine some are in college so that would be bad if he was losing money and not paying their tuition or something.  When I heard he had 5 kids, I thought right there that he probably wouldn't have much time for a relationship, since he mentioned that he was always doing activities w/ his kids--but I just would have liked a date with a good looking guy, since I haven't had one in so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 8:48pm

if a guy picks someone instead of you right off the bat, it's b/c of looks. Yeah, a bit disappointing but not necessarily a bad thing. I'd say you lucked out. Unless a person is a professional gambler and makes money at it, I'd say gambling with large amount like this guy is usually bad news. Addiction is bad news be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, internet porn, whatever...

I find that most American men are not intimidated by a woman's professional status at all. If anything they aim too high. If you've been online you'd have your share of men who are so way out of your ballpark.

Anyway, sometime rejection is good. Sometimes the guy that picks you turn out to be good for you as well. Just luck.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 2:55pm

Free, my ex SIL has been seeing a man who lives about 20 hours away by car for over two years.  As a matter of fact, they are engaged.  I don't get it.  They are only able to see one another a handful of times per year, as far as I know. I don't see how that could or would sustain a relationship and not only that, but who's to say that they will be compatible once they are actually living in the same city or home?  I guess there are two sides to that coin.  On one side, maybe it makes things easier because they aren't up underneath one another all of the time.  However, on the other side, there's that physical factor or, lack thereof which, I would assume makes things more difficult.  

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 2:26pm

I am with you, I don't see whats's so difficult about telling someone the truth.  I'd much rather do it and get it over with than to run into them somewhere or have them constantly calling or texting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 8:38pm

You know the weird thing in this day and age of 2013 I am finding out that people have all kinds of strange relationships and set ups..

Here are a few examples.. My friend's son who is getting a divorce needed extra income because his wife left him and he needed two incomes so he moved in a woman he barely knew into his house.. They have sex and she shares in the household bills. Now that is the extent of the relationship.. she is older and has fourkids from her exHusband but her kids live with the ex and visit her..

Then there is another guy I know who sees a woman he doesnt really like but just to have some fun.. He even told her he didnt want to commit but he would hang out with her when he had time.. She wants a total committment but he wants to leave his options open and they are in their fifties and have dated before and it didnt work out..

I also see alot and hear about are people on facebook who list their relationships as complicated.. What the heck does that mean..

Then there are the ones who have boyfriends in other countries andnever see the guy but once a year and say they are in relationships..

There is another woman I know who says she is in a relationship and her boyfriend lives in Seattle and she lives in NY and never sees him..

So what the hell is going on????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:43pm

She said that he kept calling her last week & she just never answered him.  I think it's difficult to do, but I think if you have actually had a date w/ a person, unless the guy is a really rude creepy type, would it be that bad to actually tell him that you're not interested?  Now what if she runs into him again in this club--wouldn't that be more embarrassing for her when he sees her? Well I don't like that club anyway cause it's too much of a pickup type of place so I probably will never see him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:39pm

cfk_3 wrote:
<p>I can't believe how picky some people are . .  LOL I set a GF up with an old friend of mine once and she called me after the date to tell me that he opened the door for her, and took her to a chain restaurant.  I guess this was a deal breaker?  What?

Yes I know people who would do that.  I would be more impressed if a guy picked out a restaurant that wasn't a chain that he liked & it turned out to be a fun place that I had never been to, but you have to realize that guys get nervous too--so what if he picks Applebee's?  It's not like the "big date" is taking you to McDonald's cause he can't spend more than $5 on dinner--maybe the guy feels that a chain would be reliable, esp. if he doesn't know what kind of food the woman likes or whether she's adventurous to try new things.

. </p><p>This man passed on you, you thought he was attractive but he was more interested in your friend and she clearly is not impressed.  It really is kind of like karma because had he taken you out, the two of you could potentially have had a wonderful time.  I think of some of the guys in my past who I passed on for superficial reasons and it makes me sick to my stomach.  I was such a princess.  I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now.  I bet the wives of some of those guys feel like the luckiest girls alive.  I'm not implying that he passed on you for superficial reasons I'm just in rambling mode today.   (He may have been intimidated by you being that you are an attorney)</p>

Normally I never mention I'm an attorney unless the person asks what do you do, but he said that his son was in law school, so that's why I said it.  Frankly, if a guy was that intimidated then it wouldn't be a good match anyway.  My 1st DH didn't even graduate from college & obviously I didn't intimidate him!  Yes what you said is kind of true though--who knows why he liked my friend & not me?  It could be looks, could be her personality, or whatever, but yes, I think I probably would have been more easy going--I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and relax more and not worry about little things because I'm really just looking for a date, not necessarily thinking that every date is going to be a serious relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 6:52pm

Hello;; Oh; I got in so might as well say something (lol)

Some people appear as what is known as serial daters.. Like they date anybody just for the fun of it whether or not they like the person or not but just to say they had some dates.. so maybe your friend just wanted a date and this guy was there ..

I agree with Shy.. He will probably chase her and then play the cat and mouse game..

Not sure about the five kids and the gambling thing either but that would probably bother me ...

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 6:28pm
I would have been turned off by "hon" and "babe", but I'm sensitive to that stuff. I have an ex who used to do that and he wasn't very nice when you look at the big picture. I definitely would have passed on a gambler with five kids, too. I'm guessing that since she's not interested, he'll chase her. That's the way it always goes.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 2:06pm

I can't believe how picky some people are . . . I agree that the gambling issue could be a potential problem if in addition to the gambling, he were irresponsible with his money.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have a problem with it.  I personally don't know if I'd date a gambler though, because I don't enjoy it so if it were a serious hobby I wouldn't be able to relate but that's another topic, LOL.

I had a friend who was dating a man about ten years older.  Every weekend he used to take her out, wine & dine her, and then she'd immediately call me to make fun of him.  This is a good girl but in this one area, I guess she's lacking a little compassion.  Anyway, she'd talk about how he dressed, his bad breath, his age which, by the way he's not much older than myself - just a couple of years.  I always wanted to stop her and ask what she thought of my age if she had such a problem with it. 

I guess if you are looking for a soul mate you would tend to be a little pickier.  If your friend was just going out for fun, I don't understand her impatience with the things you listed.  I set a GF up with an old friend of mine once and she called me after the date to tell me that he opened the door for her, and took her to a chain restaurant.  I guess this was a deal breaker?  What?  I was so disgusted that I hung up on her. 

This man passed on you, you thought he was attractive but he was more interested in your friend and she clearly is not impressed.  It really is kind of like karma because had he taken you out, the two of you could potentially have had a wonderful time.  I think of some of the guys in my past who I passed on for superficial reasons and it makes me sick to my stomach.  I was such a princess.  I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now.  I bet the wives of some of those guys feel like the luckiest girls alive.  I'm not implying that he passed on you for superficial reasons I'm just in rambling mode today.   (He may have been intimidated by you being that you are an attorney)