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| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 6:40pm |
Frazlled day? YES....just because i was in process of moving into my new apartment. lets see...i go from being alone for two years to spending 3 years under same roof with my now x boyfriend, then i spend 1 entire year at my moms after leaving my x-bf, and now I signed my very first lease for my very own apartment. Happy? YES. I am happy about that. moving on, moving along.
Am i seeing anyone? no
How many men have i met and befriended this year? so far 2. one i already told him flat out i wasnt interested and he began to stalk me till i put a legal end to that. Havent had contact with him since.
is there someone special i would like to see?
well, maybe? maybe not. I am attracted to him, but am not hot n bothered and experiencing a crush over him. He is a great person to carry on conversations with. I have been gaurded with him. I feel that he is only after booty and not commitment minded.
WE have not gone out on dates yet. After the crap i went through i am not ready to steady date a man. I suppose i am just after booty at this time as well. So why do i run from this guy since i am not ready for a commitment myself?
so if he seems non committal and i seem to be at that stage as well..why am i still pulling away when i think i want to let him have me physically and sexually? Could part of me bewanting a committal anyway? Why am i not letting myself be the one to chew them up and spit them out. IF men can have a heram of 3 women a week...why not a woman have a heram of 3 men a week? I know, the normal crap...because society calls her a SL**. But hi-5's the man for scoring.
IF this is what i would like to do, why is it so hard for me to get it started, even with this first dude i see often because he is my new neighbors brother who is living with his sister temporarily, till he finds an apartment. He doesnt want to live in our complex. Too close to his sister, i guess.
Maybe i am not cut out to be like SEX in the Cities Samantha Jones. I never was that way before. I was a monogamous lover and wanted a steady relationship. Now, My heart just wants to swing from pole to polt to pole and my mind is all mixed up yet.
Would it be ok to give it a try? like a trial for a while to be like Samantha Jones to see if it is something My mind can deal with? Or am i destined to make myself wait for the person who wants a commital in a relationship? Could i be kidding my own self by saying i want to be non- committed when deep down its possible i might want the commitment?
I really do not think there is anything wrong with a women being non committed to men. May I am not ready to even have a a no strings attached friendship with benefits. Maybe i am not ready to have a relationship at all yet period.

I often had these thoughts as I'm not really interested in anything serious right now. However I've NEVER been able to just have a one-night stand with someone. That's just not my style. Of course there are times when I wish I was capable of having meaningless flings. You can either do this or you can't...or you feel like crap after you do.
I wouldn't be overly concerned with 'attempting' flings...you are who you are and there's no reason to force change upon yourself in this instance.
It's kind of like when someone tries to lose weight because they feel like society will approve of them more.