Me Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Me Again
15
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 7:52pm

I hope all of you are doing great.  And I'm sorry for not posting a heck of a lot here lately.  Have had some things on my plate that I've been trying to sort out.  But anyway, I have a question for all of you.

Do any of you find it difficult to make plans with friends?  Here lately it seems as if when you have the money to go out and do something, there isn't the time to do it or when there is the time, there isn't money to do it or your friends have other plans such as working or going out of town.  The last time I hung out w/my close circle of friends was in mid - late July.  And of course, I'm the only single person in my circle of friends, too.  I asked the girls if they wanted to get together next weekend for much needed girl time but one is working next weekend and the other is going out of town w/her hubby to visit family.  However, we all hope to get together at her Halloween party on 10/26 which I plan on going to.  It just dawned on me though, that once again, I'm single and alone.  Whenever I try to plan something w/friends, no one can get together most of the time.  And it makes me feel sad.  I'm alone yet once again.  Everyone else is married, has children, and living their own life.  And then there's me - the single girl who's always alone.  I've tried doing the meetup thing but the groups I joined always have events an hour away or it causes a conflict w/my work schedule.  

I feel sad, alone, and a little depressed.  I almost feel like I shouldn't bother any more trying to make plans with friends because we all work or everyone else already has something planned.  They have someone to lean on and come home to.  And I (like most of you), don't.  Does anyone else feel this way?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: wishful78
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 8:30pm

 What you are feeling is normal.  You are in a different stage of life than your old circle.  And as an adult it is much more difficult to find people who have the same schedule as you do.  I always do things alone for several reasons.  Foremost is it is when i want to do them.   Movies I o alone so I can enjoy the movie and not be disturbed.  What do you like to do for fun?   Once you get into doing what you want, when you want then this will disappear.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: wishful78
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 9:58pm

I think you are right.  I'm going to have to go back to what I used to do - doing things solo.  I know I don't have to do it all the time. But if there is something I want to do & my friends are unable to partake, I'll just do it by myself.  I have gone to the movies a few times by myself and there really is nothing wrong with it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 6:13am
  • I could have been writing this myself! I seldom see or hear from my friends, it has been like this for a few years now. I don´t know many singletons anymore. Even getting together for a coffee is difficult and must be planned. To experience what I want, a concert or whatever, I go alone if noone can go with me. It is absolutely not the same as having people/friends to socialize with, but still... I have even bought a season card for hockey games, where I don´t know anyone around my seat. I live only a few minutes away from the arena and I love the team, so why not go? The next time I wish to travel and noone is able to go with me when I want to, I will go by myself. It is not the same, but at least I do something I like!


I really miss my friends though.... It seems like I don´t exist anymore for some of them and it makes me sad. But that is life, I suppose... Friendships are bound to change, but still I miss the old times when we had that special connection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 8:57am

You're exactly right.  It's a part of life, unfortunately.  I love my friends, don't get me wrong.  But where there is time, we don't have the money to go & do something.  Or when we have the money, the time isn't there.  We're all either working, married, and have to go out of town to take care of family issues.  It's the way of life now & I guess we just have to accept it.  I wonder why we never let things like this bother us when we were younger in college or in high school.  Looks like it's time to start doing things by myself again.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 9:20am

I know how you feel.. Truly I do but this is a new kind of world where this happens more than we would like it to.

Only thing this little upset you can deal with and almost fix it to the point where you wont be feeling bad about your friends..

You can def. go out alone which these days is no big deal.. when no one is around I just go out alone in which you said you did at times.. I notice that people and men are much more friendly when seeing a single woman out there by herself.. Its less intimidating and yes not saying its easy to go out alone but once you keep doing it over and over it does get easier.. I have found the best times when I go out alone ..................Just keep practicing and it gets better I promise... Even if you have to sit in a coffee shop alone for an hour or so you will be amazed at how many people just might start a conversation with you or you with them.. It also gets you out of the house and its not expensive and it will give you practice..and you  just might keep going to that coffee shop .. If not try another place or yet another. Remember there is variety in life and if one thing doesnt work try something else.....

oh; and if you need new friends they are out there somewhere... Go back to the  meet up groups.. I have been doing a few meet ups when no one is around or I am feeling lonley and it works like a charm... I spend most of my time with people I dont even know and have a great time.. Its all in the attitiude as they say............ and being there are so many meet ups out there you can go when you have money and time and they usually arent pricey at all. I just attended a hiking and being in a park meet up and it was free.. Just paid for my lunch.. I even met a woman there and she wanted to be friends so we exchanged phone numbers..

Know what else I have found out in my old age?? LOL..............There is nothing set in stone.. Keep trying different ways to meet new people .. Oh and of course the basic theme is join one specific group like a dance group or music group or hiking or whatever and keep going to that one thing and I can bet you will meet new friends.......

Dont let the lack of your old friends or money or time or whatever make you feel lonely and bored and blue....It doesnt have to be like that..... I have found that I am not letting lack of time, money or people dictate my life anymore so I go out and find new things and new people and it doesnt cost me alot of money..............

So when you have time you can find free things to do and when you have money you can splurge a bit more for an activity..

what I have learned in my old age LOL is that not to let friends or anyone make me feel that I need to wait for something to do or even lack of money or whatever.. When I want to go out I find a way to do it and dont let the lack of anything stop me..

Just my two cents...

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:37am

I think it's very hard when you are the only single one & all your friends are married.  I find that's probably true when people are in late 20's to 30's--but when you get to middle aged, it's like you're starting over again cause so many people get divorced, plus then the kids tend to be grown up so people have more free time.  this weekend, one of my high school friends tried to plan for us to get together for breakfast since she felt it would be easier than trying to go out at night.  Well it turned out that she thought there would be 6-7 and there were only 3 of us.  One woman got a job that started on Sundays, one remembered that a relative was running in a marathon and she had to go watch her.  We had 2 friends who could have come later (and one of those was the one who suggested meeting earlier).  So everybody gets involved in their own things.

when I got divorced 5 yrs ago, I found that I had nothing to do--I basically had 2 single friends and one of them lives an hour away--the other one is my ex SIL and she was always working (I don't even bother calling her any more.  I figure if she ever wants to go out she can call me.)  So first I joined a women's group figuring that I would have things to do and might meet some women (I was not in the mood to date yet)--I met some nice women but most of them were married so that didn't work out.  Then I joined some meetup groups--again more things to do but then I wasn't making close friends.  Then I started taking dance lessons--that has become the gold mine.  First of all there were plenty of singles there.  I got a group now of about 8 women who hang out together--not everyone all goes, but among that group it seems like I can always find someone to do things with.  And it's not just dancing--we go to the movies and out to eat and do other things too.  so I really think that hunting around for a singles group or some kind of group to join would probably be better than relying on the old friends.

As far as money, I know that where I live (big city) there are always a lot of free things to do if you look around.  Like even the big museums have one free day a week or there are outside festivals, etc.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 12:29pm

Unfortunately, this is an issue that you will mostly likely deal with the rest of your life. I have gone through times where I had enough friends, and then others where I didn't. Either people coupled up, or had a baby or moved away. And even though you can make new friends, there's nothing like old friends you knew in high school or college or those early work years. When you are single, your social life requires more planning.

The other obvious thing is that your coupled friends forget what it's like to be single. I call it "Single Amnesia." They have a hard time relating to your issues. But then, if you don't have children, you probably can't relate to their issues either. So unfortunately, you are growing apart, even if you had a very close relationship at one time. And if you complain a lot about being single (not saying you do) they really don't want to hear it after a while.

I too missed my unavailable friends, and I began to really resent them. But I began looking at it differently: I was grateful for the time they could spend with me, even if I had to work around their schedule and not so much around mine. This helped. 

To me it's not even so much about not having anyone to do things with, but that feeling of being left out of things. I too go to many things alone if I can't find anyone, and have done that for a very long time. It's no big deal to me, although I won't go to a nice restaurant at night alone. But I did just get back to my home office from being up at Starbucks. :)

The obvious answer is to get out and do things where you will meet new people. Everybody always suggests Meetup, and that can be a very mixed bag. Don't be afraid to invite people to do things--some people would rather be invited than do the inviting. But that can get tiresome with some people. I don't want to always be the one that suggests getting together.

But I understand the lonely thing. Sometimes when you're feeling lonely and missing close friendships, the last thing you want to do is go out and shake hands with strangers in a Meetup group or a professional organization. I find I have to make myself do this at times. Other times, it's no big deal.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 6:29pm
All I'm going to add is- I wish we lived closer together! We'd have fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 7:06pm

Yes we would, Shy!  It'd be a blast!  

And thank you all for your feedback.  It's good to know that it's just not me.  I think we reach this certain road in life (or a certain age) where our circle of friends has other responsibilities.  And that is understandable.  If my friends aren't able to join, then I will just go solo.  Nashville is a huge city and there is always something going on here during the week and even on the weekends. There is a Southern Festival of Books this weekend that is free.  I may head downtown to meander through all the books and vendors.  I've always wanted to go but never found the time or anyone to go with.  And I need to spend more time browing through the meetup site.  I've only glanced through it but maybe if I spent more time, I might be more succesful in finding group outings or get togethers that is close to where I live or even after work.  

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 9:07pm
You have plans for next weekend! I saw that!

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