Me Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Me Again
15
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 7:52pm

I hope all of you are doing great.  And I'm sorry for not posting a heck of a lot here lately.  Have had some things on my plate that I've been trying to sort out.  But anyway, I have a question for all of you.

Do any of you find it difficult to make plans with friends?  Here lately it seems as if when you have the money to go out and do something, there isn't the time to do it or when there is the time, there isn't money to do it or your friends have other plans such as working or going out of town.  The last time I hung out w/my close circle of friends was in mid - late July.  And of course, I'm the only single person in my circle of friends, too.  I asked the girls if they wanted to get together next weekend for much needed girl time but one is working next weekend and the other is going out of town w/her hubby to visit family.  However, we all hope to get together at her Halloween party on 10/26 which I plan on going to.  It just dawned on me though, that once again, I'm single and alone.  Whenever I try to plan something w/friends, no one can get together most of the time.  And it makes me feel sad.  I'm alone yet once again.  Everyone else is married, has children, and living their own life.  And then there's me - the single girl who's always alone.  I've tried doing the meetup thing but the groups I joined always have events an hour away or it causes a conflict w/my work schedule.  

I feel sad, alone, and a little depressed.  I almost feel like I shouldn't bother any more trying to make plans with friends because we all work or everyone else already has something planned.  They have someone to lean on and come home to.  And I (like most of you), don't.  Does anyone else feel this way?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 5:42pm

I do have a single gf and for 50/50 she's available but sometimes she can't b/c of her son's schedule. During these times, meetup groups are nice b/c you can go as a solo person. Sometimes I don't want to be around strangers then of course, I would just stay home and talk on the phone with a couple of long distance freinds.

I go to a church small group. They are already friends. One of them is a friend from college and the rest are friends of hers. She's married with two young children but she's open to including single friends on ther outings but many times I dont want to tag along with husband and kids you know. Yes, it's tough, unless you have a bf, it's hard to have a ready companion. When I had a bf though he took up all of my time. I think for now, I'm OK. I'm the type that feels empty when I'm a lone so I need constant companionship but not neccessarily with the same person. I'd like to be with my gf's or with a group too.

Now, between the church small group, my single mom gf, my family (I do get together with them once a month or so), a couple of long distance friends, and small groups, I do find things to do/people to talk to.

I can't say I feel fulfilled but generally somewhat content and not so lonely.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 5:42pm

I do have a single gf and for 50/50 she's available but sometimes she can't b/c of her son's schedule. During these times, meetup groups are nice b/c you can go as a solo person. Sometimes I don't want to be around strangers then of course, I would just stay home and talk on the phone with a couple of long distance freinds.

I go to a church small group. They are already friends. One of them is a friend from college and the rest are friends of hers. She's married with two young children but she's open to including single friends on ther outings but many times I dont want to tag along with husband and kids you know. Yes, it's tough, unless you have a bf, it's hard to have a ready companion. When I had a bf though he took up all of my time. I think for now, I'm OK. I'm the type that feels empty when I'm a lone so I need constant companionship but not neccessarily with the same person. I'd like to be with my gf's or with a group too.

Now, between the church small group, my single mom gf, my family (I do get together with them once a month or so), a couple of long distance friends, and small groups, I do find things to do/people to talk to.

I can't say I feel fulfilled but generally somewhat content and not so lonely.  

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: wishful78
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 3:21pm

Hey there.  I am not posting much these days either but because my ipad won't let me(?).  I have two desktops but they are excruciatingly slow so I rarely even bother to turn them on unless I need to print something . . . and aside from that I am going to keep this short because this is my second try (actually using the desktop, too) . . . I just wanted to tell you to keep your chin up and know that you aren't alone.  I know it may seem like it at times, but you aren't . . . I think everyone experiences everything you noted in your post, even coupled individuals.  Hopefully for everyone here, the good days well out number the bad ones :)  Try to keep smiling and stay positive :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: wishful78
Thu, 10-03-2013 - 3:04pm

I understand how you feel.

For YEARS I was always the single gal and for the most part- that was by choice. (I've had a horrible breakup and was nowhere near ready for a partner). What I became tired of was all of the "you will find someone special" comments.

What if I wasn't looking for someone special? What if I was choosing to be on my own? To answer that, I decided that I need to me enough for me.

One day while complaining to my boss about the single life (mind you I was in my early 20's at the time), she throws down her pen in disgust and turns to me. "Nad215, what do you do when you go home"? she asks.

"What do you mean? I do nothing".  I reply.

"No you don't. Not every day. Tell me what you do" she presses on.

I roll my eyes like a 20-something does and say "sometimes I read a book".

"Ok, what else?" Boss asks.

"Sometimes I go to Macy's and look at shoes. Sometimes I take a bubble bath. Sometimes I watch my guilty pleasure Lifetime channel. Sometimes I'll go to a movie or meet up with a friend for a drink".

Boss looks at me and says "I can't remember the last time I did ANY of that. I work 60 hours a week, have a husband at home, two teenagers, a nasty ex-wife on his side, and two step kids. I haven't cracked a book, put a toe in a bubble bath, seen the TV remote, a movie or a friend alone in forever.  Right now you may be a bit bored but you have the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. So shut up about it".

I'll never forget that conversation with her. It put so much about my life in perspective.

Enjoy being with you like I learned to. Friends have their own schedules and busy lives. I’m not saying that you have to give up on them or stop trying but right now is a great time to get to know you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
In reply to: gleannfia
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 9:49pm

xxxs, I agree with you on this, but I think the way we view this sort of thing is in the minority in society.  Frankly, I keep so busy in a very people-oriented profession that I breathe a sigh of relief when I do not have to talk with anyone.  I am very comfortable with doing things alone, sometimes it is better that way!  It seems like there are so many people out there who are toxic, I am very seldom lonely, though it does happen once in a while.  I do think the nature of our fast-paced society means that we don't have as many good friends as we once did.  I honestly do not worry about it.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: shywon
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 9:07pm
You have plans for next weekend! I saw that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 7:06pm

Yes we would, Shy!  It'd be a blast!  

And thank you all for your feedback.  It's good to know that it's just not me.  I think we reach this certain road in life (or a certain age) where our circle of friends has other responsibilities.  And that is understandable.  If my friends aren't able to join, then I will just go solo.  Nashville is a huge city and there is always something going on here during the week and even on the weekends. There is a Southern Festival of Books this weekend that is free.  I may head downtown to meander through all the books and vendors.  I've always wanted to go but never found the time or anyone to go with.  And I need to spend more time browing through the meetup site.  I've only glanced through it but maybe if I spent more time, I might be more succesful in finding group outings or get togethers that is close to where I live or even after work.  

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 6:29pm
All I'm going to add is- I wish we lived closer together! We'd have fun!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 12:29pm

Unfortunately, this is an issue that you will mostly likely deal with the rest of your life. I have gone through times where I had enough friends, and then others where I didn't. Either people coupled up, or had a baby or moved away. And even though you can make new friends, there's nothing like old friends you knew in high school or college or those early work years. When you are single, your social life requires more planning.

The other obvious thing is that your coupled friends forget what it's like to be single. I call it "Single Amnesia." They have a hard time relating to your issues. But then, if you don't have children, you probably can't relate to their issues either. So unfortunately, you are growing apart, even if you had a very close relationship at one time. And if you complain a lot about being single (not saying you do) they really don't want to hear it after a while.

I too missed my unavailable friends, and I began to really resent them. But I began looking at it differently: I was grateful for the time they could spend with me, even if I had to work around their schedule and not so much around mine. This helped. 

To me it's not even so much about not having anyone to do things with, but that feeling of being left out of things. I too go to many things alone if I can't find anyone, and have done that for a very long time. It's no big deal to me, although I won't go to a nice restaurant at night alone. But I did just get back to my home office from being up at Starbucks. :)

The obvious answer is to get out and do things where you will meet new people. Everybody always suggests Meetup, and that can be a very mixed bag. Don't be afraid to invite people to do things--some people would rather be invited than do the inviting. But that can get tiresome with some people. I don't want to always be the one that suggests getting together.

But I understand the lonely thing. Sometimes when you're feeling lonely and missing close friendships, the last thing you want to do is go out and shake hands with strangers in a Meetup group or a professional organization. I find I have to make myself do this at times. Other times, it's no big deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: wishful78
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:37am

I think it's very hard when you are the only single one & all your friends are married.  I find that's probably true when people are in late 20's to 30's--but when you get to middle aged, it's like you're starting over again cause so many people get divorced, plus then the kids tend to be grown up so people have more free time.  this weekend, one of my high school friends tried to plan for us to get together for breakfast since she felt it would be easier than trying to go out at night.  Well it turned out that she thought there would be 6-7 and there were only 3 of us.  One woman got a job that started on Sundays, one remembered that a relative was running in a marathon and she had to go watch her.  We had 2 friends who could have come later (and one of those was the one who suggested meeting earlier).  So everybody gets involved in their own things.

when I got divorced 5 yrs ago, I found that I had nothing to do--I basically had 2 single friends and one of them lives an hour away--the other one is my ex SIL and she was always working (I don't even bother calling her any more.  I figure if she ever wants to go out she can call me.)  So first I joined a women's group figuring that I would have things to do and might meet some women (I was not in the mood to date yet)--I met some nice women but most of them were married so that didn't work out.  Then I joined some meetup groups--again more things to do but then I wasn't making close friends.  Then I started taking dance lessons--that has become the gold mine.  First of all there were plenty of singles there.  I got a group now of about 8 women who hang out together--not everyone all goes, but among that group it seems like I can always find someone to do things with.  And it's not just dancing--we go to the movies and out to eat and do other things too.  so I really think that hunting around for a singles group or some kind of group to join would probably be better than relying on the old friends.

As far as money, I know that where I live (big city) there are always a lot of free things to do if you look around.  Like even the big museums have one free day a week or there are outside festivals, etc.

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