meant to be single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
meant to be single?
18
Sat, 03-17-2012 - 1:21am

Well, I have not spoken to my ex-bf for over a month. I'm sad. Sad for him and sad for me. Sad for him because I love and care about him a great deal and wanted the best for him. He has never been good with money and recently his car died on him and he's struggling financially. Sad for me because I realize our major area of incompatability is too large to overcome.

Maybe I should give a little background to help elucidate the matter. I'm 45 never married, no children. I've been struggling with depression since my 20's. Along with that I put a great focus on finding my career so didn't have much left to practice the art of dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 6:52pm

musiclover,

you were right about settling a being lonely. I've always felt lonely when I'm by myself. I don't recall ever being able to be alone for even a day without talking to anyone. During the week it's not so bad b/c I work (thank God I have a job I like). Even then, after I get home I just lay in bed watching TV all evening. If I feel motivated I would wander the shops looking at things even when I don't buy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 7:32pm

Mark,

you have an interesting explination for my situation. I've heard about this before and that we attract what we detest. However, I haven't figured out how to go about fixing the problem. What to do? Can you direct me to an therapy approach/technique or books on this subject. For many years I still haven't figured out what I was supposed to learn from my two R/S that failed b/c of the person's dismal financial status. I want someone with money and ended up with someone who are not even average but are truly at the bottom of the barrel.

I have thought about this for some time. I could only come up with an explination and that is to just run whenver a financial red-flag comes up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 10:04pm

I feel very sad for you reading this.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 11:42pm

I love the Hakomi therapeutic approach or the Sensoimotor Psychotherapy school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 9:13am

That makes sense and reminds me of the books and philosophy of Harville Hendrix.. He says that we attract unfinished business in our lives if that makes sense.. My 2H was exactly like my dad.. My dad was controlling and unbearable at times.. so I had that unfinished business with my dad so I needed to find someone like him..My 2H whom I wanted to love me cause dad didnt. Well? It didnt work and 2H didnt love me but the unfinished business is done and of course we are divorced and there was the awful pain of divorce and all of that but it couldnt be helped..

Well? Now I have been on that healing journey and all is well except it does take work if you want to become whole again and stop attracting the wrong people into your life.

I have been alone now since 2008 without anyone and as I age I realize that life can be filled with so many other healthy things and relationships.. As music said there are voids you can fill and you dont need a man or woman to fill them.

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 11:49am

Thank you florida girl for your support. It's good to know there are people who find fulfillment without a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 10:06pm
white_satin wrote:

Thank you florida girl for your support. It's good to know there are people who find fulfillment without a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 10:59pm

I don't know to what extent it's important for you to analyze as to why you ''attract'' men with financial problems. I don't think you attract them, you are just not choosy enough. It looks like in both cases, you saw a red flag, but you ignored it because they were ''good'' guys. It's a common mistake that people make, myself included, but I learnt from it and you should too.

It sounds like you don't know very well what you want in a man, so I think it's a good idea for you to reflect on your past relationships. If you like Dr. Phil, I suggest to read his book "Love smart", I think it's useful for those who are "unlucky' in relationships. And there is a chapter where he lists every possible quality in a potential partner you can chose from, so you get a better idea of what you want.

Don't lose hope !

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