Men and Women - Attraction Building

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Men and Women - Attraction Building
39
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:28pm

OK, so this is my first post on these forums and I would like to give you all a little background on what I would like to do here.

I am a 23 year old male. I feel like I cannot attract women for any length of time, which is rather sad since I am basically limited to having ONS and drunken encounters with women. Although I have more than my fair share of success with women in bars and clubs etc, I can't seem to translate that success into long term success in attracting a woman sufficiently to get into a serious, committed relationship. I have had a couple of term long relationships in the past but mostly I feel I just 'got lucky' in finding the right girls who were into me and developing the relationship. I feel I can attract a woman to me before she gets to know me, but then I usually mess it up before any real feelings can build.

I feel sad at the moment since I feel like I have so much to offer a woman and I want to be there for someone, as well as have someone there to be there for me. I am sick of going through life alone, not being able to experience all the wonderful things about life with someone special amd grow together with them. SO I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE IT MY MISSION to CONSTANTLY IMPROVE MYSELF IN EVERY WAY UNTIL I FIND SOMEONE.

So there you have it. After a particularly disappointing date on Saturday night, where basically I had a great girl who I thought was attracted to me and I totally ruined it by my own actions and decisions. I have decided to devote all my energy to finding someone special.

I hope that you all can help me out here as I post my ideas, experiences and plans for the future in this area. I would certainly love to help you all out in decoding guys behavior.

OK - Attraction

What causes attraction in females, and how does this differ from males. I think this is really the key thing which need to learn. In order to analyze this properly, I need to make some pretty sweeping generalizations about men and women and the way that they behave. These generalizations are certainly not universally true, but for our purposes they have significant utility.

What makes a man attracted to a Woman?

A man can tell within a few seconds (or less), of meeting a woman whether he is attracted to a woman simply by looking at her. Men are much more turned on by looks than by anything else. As far as men are concerned, looks are, far and away, the most important thing re attraction. I don't know if women accept this or not, but it is the cold hard truth. Men are attracted, at least initially, solely by whether he feels physically attracted to a woman.

On the other hand. Women are attracted to a man by the way that he makes her feel. Don't get me wrong, looks play a part in how attracted a woman is to a man but that is only due to the feelings that a good looking man generates in a woman.

In order to attract woman, men need to understand this fact. Most men go around 'picking up' women the same way they would want to be 'picked up'. This is the wrong approach.

Anyway, most of you probably just TLDR'd this post, but I think I have something to offer here to you all, and I hope you will help me out in my dating quandary. I have a date next week with a girl that a coworker is setting me up with. I will post how it goes and hopefully you guys can help me out with some tips.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:51am

Ok, first off, I think you should stop getting down on yourself about being 23 and not in a relationship. You even say you've had a couple in the past, so what more do you want?? I'm 22, have had one almost two-year relationship and have been single for almost three and a half years. To me, it's not about improving myself, it's just flat-out luck. If the person you happen to like, have feelings for, be attracted to, what have you has feelings for you and vice versa. I've had a number of guys into me over the past few years, but it either hasn't been mutual or it just hasn't worked out for one reason or another. You're ONLY 23...relax. Besides, as someone said in another thread, bars and clubs aren't really the place to meet girls who'll stick around, who are looking for a relationship. Granted my friends and I would take one if it came along and we go to bars, and that can be the case for men AND women, but we're not in the majority.

As for men being attracted differently than women...no, for me physical attraction and looks IS a big part of it. In the beginning, of course.

Let's look at it this way: most men do the approaching in said bars and clubs, not the other way around. Men choose who they want to approach based on physical attraction because, well, how else would you pick someone you've never met before? Women then respons based BOTH (well, I'm speaking for myself and other women I know, not everyone) based on his looks AND "the way he makes her feel," as you put it, though in a bar that's usually slim pickings/not really applicable.

Anyway, the point being that you're probably partially right, but physical attraction, not stereotypical good looks, matters to me straight off...all this "looks don't matter" business is just women being PC if you ask me. I'd sooner date a cute, boyish guy than a Bradd Pitt (no, seriously) or male model type, but it still matters whether or not I'm physically attracted to him.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:10am

What is it that you did to screw up the date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:12am

I do agree with you that men go for looks first and foremost.

What did you do that screwed the date up?

For me, I can be not physically attracted to someone at first, say seeing someone in a bar but then they come talk to me, and after talking to them, experiencing personality etc.the attraction can grow. While not all women are like this I do think it comes with maturity because I certainly wasn't like this when I was 20 and I certainly don't think it's being PC, I'm so not PC. LOL but to maintain something there has to be some level of physical attraction but you can certainly not be attracted to someone at first and that attraction can grow by other influences helping it along.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:22am

After a sort of disappointing date Saturday night as well, I was thinking about this very thing. Trying to decide what attracts me to a man when all is said and done. (This particular guy was really cute and had great eyes, but I'm not sure the attraction factor is there - yet, anyway).

So, after a little thought, here's what I decided:

#1 - He must be self assured/confident. This is not the same thing as cocky. It translates into taking the initiative to make the woman feel comfortable on a date with things like having a plan, offering to pay, making the first move to touch me or kiss me.

#2 - He must be able to hold up his end of the conversation. I'm a journalist by training and, with some guys, I feel like I have to pepper them with questions just to keep a conversation flowing. I love it, love it, when a guy takes a topic and runs with it (but lets me get a word in as well).

#3 - After those two things, he should definitely have a physical attraction factor. Now, for me, I am not attracted to a particular "type" - I find all kinds of looks attractive. Someone who smiles easily and has a spark in his eyes is generally physically appealing to me. Being healthy (not significantly overweight, nonsmoker, exercises), being slightly taller than me and good grooming are also basic factors for physical attraction. Beyond that, it's just chemistry. You just feel drawn to some people and not others and that's not something that can be defined or pinned down.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:44am
I'm not saying I'm not attracted to other things besides looks, I'm not that shallow. I'm often more attracted to a man if I find out he's sweet, funny, we get along, etc. Believe me, an emotional connection definitely DOES affect my attraction to someone. I'm just saying that physical attraction usually DOES matter to a certain extent, though. If I'm not at all attracted to someone, especially after knowing them for a while, it's just not going to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:52am

>>If I'm not at all attracted to someone, especially after knowing them for a while, it's just not going to happen.<<

I agree. There has to be a basic level of physical attraction in the first place. As you get to know him and like him, that attraction will just grow from there.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:20pm

Back to a question asked twice, and I am going to zero in on some of what you said.

What happened on the date, and would I be wrong if I "thought" the word drunk would apply?

At 23, I agree, relax a little. If you are in fact looking to raise the odds, just consider two drunks staggering out of a bar to a bed might be a fun night . .. but it is a result of boredom and bad judgment as much as anything else. Sober up, get out of the bar and talk to a few girls. (-: The results might surprise you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:35pm

Nobody said you were shallow or even implied.

If you read my post I said that a physical attraction must be there for longterm. But for me it doesn't have to be there initially, it can be something that can grow as I get to know someone. I can meet someone feel nothing whatsover, not be attracted to them at all, not even remotely think twice about them and then if they make me laugh, are intelligent etc and we click and there is chemistry all of a sudden that attraction grows. But its not like it would have been anyone that turned my head initially. Unlike with a lot of men, they go right for the pretty but after awhile most of them if there isn't anything else there as far as personality, intelligence etc that relationship won't be sustained either you know?? Although some people just want arm candy and they don't care about the other stuff.

When I hear women say "looks don't matter" I don't think it means they go out with every fat, ugly person they can find just to prove a point, I just think they are attracted to other things and looks aren't the top priority. Which is why you see a lot of hot women with not so attractive men, chubby men, dorky kind of men because they are attracted to other things besides "looks" meaning "the pretty" not just attraction. Attraction really has to be there for something to be maintained. But I think the OP is correct in saying that women are drawn to different things, such as confidence, intelligence, wit, etc. and not necessarily perfect teeth, gorgeous face, fit body. Now don't get me wrong I check out hot guys, but if I meet a nice guy that comes and talks to me at the bar that wouldn't turn my head, and all of a sudden we start clicking, his beer belly or balding head or whatever might not be that big of a deal if we are clicking but which might have been a kind of "hmmm" when I first saw him. So that's why I didn't agree with your "it's a PC answer" I suppose if you say "looks" and "attraction" are the same thing but they aren't in my book. I think when women are talking about looks they are talking about the traditional "beautiful people".

I'm attracted to sweaty men that probably don't have all their own teeth (and I have a big thing about teeth)...and seems to me I like Goalies and if you've ever known any the8y are freaking CRAZY. HAHA!!!!

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:42pm
No, no, I didn't think you were calling me shallow...I don't even remember what I said, but I was really not offended, just saying that as a side note.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:46pm

Argh, now I have to write another post...anyway, no I know. But I think some women do mean what you're saying, which is true. Traditional good looks really DON'T matter to most women. BUT I just said the PC thing because I feel a lot of people say things simply because they should or because it sounds good or makes them look good. Or to be PC (as too many people seem concerned with sometimes).

I used to have a thing for hockey players, too, haha. :) Still do to a certain extent...athletes in general. I had the BIGGEST crush on Chris Drury when I was younger...hehe. :) Not as crazy as a goalie though, I suppose...

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