Men and Women - Attraction Building
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| Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:28pm |
OK, so this is my first post on these forums and I would like to give you all a little background on what I would like to do here.
I am a 23 year old male. I feel like I cannot attract women for any length of time, which is rather sad since I am basically limited to having ONS and drunken encounters with women. Although I have more than my fair share of success with women in bars and clubs etc, I can't seem to translate that success into long term success in attracting a woman sufficiently to get into a serious, committed relationship. I have had a couple of term long relationships in the past but mostly I feel I just 'got lucky' in finding the right girls who were into me and developing the relationship. I feel I can attract a woman to me before she gets to know me, but then I usually mess it up before any real feelings can build.
I feel sad at the moment since I feel like I have so much to offer a woman and I want to be there for someone, as well as have someone there to be there for me. I am sick of going through life alone, not being able to experience all the wonderful things about life with someone special amd grow together with them. SO I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE IT MY MISSION to CONSTANTLY IMPROVE MYSELF IN EVERY WAY UNTIL I FIND SOMEONE.
So there you have it. After a particularly disappointing date on Saturday night, where basically I had a great girl who I thought was attracted to me and I totally ruined it by my own actions and decisions. I have decided to devote all my energy to finding someone special.
I hope that you all can help me out here as I post my ideas, experiences and plans for the future in this area. I would certainly love to help you all out in decoding guys behavior.
OK - Attraction
What causes attraction in females, and how does this differ from males. I think this is really the key thing which need to learn. In order to analyze this properly, I need to make some pretty sweeping generalizations about men and women and the way that they behave. These generalizations are certainly not universally true, but for our purposes they have significant utility.
What makes a man attracted to a Woman?
A man can tell within a few seconds (or less), of meeting a woman whether he is attracted to a woman simply by looking at her. Men are much more turned on by looks than by anything else. As far as men are concerned, looks are, far and away, the most important thing re attraction. I don't know if women accept this or not, but it is the cold hard truth. Men are attracted, at least initially, solely by whether he feels physically attracted to a woman.
On the other hand. Women are attracted to a man by the way that he makes her feel. Don't get me wrong, looks play a part in how attracted a woman is to a man but that is only due to the feelings that a good looking man generates in a woman.
In order to attract woman, men need to understand this fact. Most men go around 'picking up' women the same way they would want to be 'picked up'. This is the wrong approach.
Anyway, most of you probably just TLDR'd this post, but I think I have something to offer here to you all, and I hope you will help me out in my dating quandary. I have a date next week with a girl that a coworker is setting me up with. I will post how it goes and hopefully you guys can help me out with some tips.

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>>ONe year ago I wouldn't have gone out with her since I was more confident around my ability to attract women.<<
Geez. Don't do her any favors. She deserves better than someone *condescending* to go out with her. If she really is sweet, then please don't lead her on or treat her like dirt because she's someone with whom you can pass the time until you feel more confident to attract the next "hottie" as Elwood said. Whether or not she fits your definition of "hot" doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be treated well.
To your credit, I think it's good you realize what you did on the date that might not have been up to snuff.
Elwood, I second Shy's thank you. Well said.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Well, despite some of the potentially callous things the OP has said, I still believe he has good intentions and just doesn't realize that these things probably aren't true of ALL men. I'm genuinely trying to help when I say give the other girls a chance; if you're not attracted, that's fine, but there's no reason for every woman to have to look "hot." You do realize half of the "hot" women would look like s**t without their five pounds of make up on, right? Shallow attracts shallow, and while I'm not saying specifically that YOU'RE a shallow person (part of me just thinks that's a phase a lot of guys your age go through) because I, for some reason, don't think you are, but if you judge JUST based on looks (especially if they have to be "hot"), you're going to attract shallow women. Not exactly relationship material.
It's just disheartening to have all of my cute (and I'm NOT just saying that), sweet, caring, smart friends single while so many 20-something guys have bimbos on their arms.
I think that things have changed a lot in the past 8-10 years, since I was in college.
I'm not sure that the phenomenon doesn't apply to a lot of men, even into their thirties as well. But those guys are the ones who never really progressed beyond college and are probably hanging out with their 22 year old friends, chugging beer every weekend!
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Follow that thought through, and if any of you have a few guy friends around, left over from collage, (Like I know anything about collage) (-: . . .tell me this is not what you see . . .
Beer belly is just starting to form if they are mid 30's . . .hair is not "quite" the same . . a little "softer" . . .but be dammed . . hit the bar, hottest 23 year old he can find? They get stuck right there . .. and every year that goes by it just is more pathetic. It;s not that they are terrible people, they just never grow up, never experience anything better . . it is sad really. They will never be a good "partner" to anyone. All they are good for is a night out and a few beers.
I think I am going to begin a subject . . .hmmm
Well, I don't think it's as dire as that, but I feel like it's just a trend type of thing, the hot look, so to speak, is being "hot." Years ago (not that I remember!), it doesn't seem like the trend was to be all fake and bimbo-like. Hopefully it'll pass out of style soon; it's one look I would NEVER give myself, I don't even find it attractive. But look at the celebrities that are popular right now, the Paris Hiltons of the world. And what in GOD'S name is the fascination with Pam Anderson?? Guys MY age. She could practically be their mother AND not an inch on her face, body, anywhere is NOT fake.
Anyway, there are still natural beauties that get attention (often more attention than the fake girls), so that's a hopeful sign...anyway, I don't know that I'd want to date the type of guy who'd want a "hot" girl on his arm anyway. None of my exes or guy friends ever have, either, and they're all pretty cute guys, so...it's not as bad as all that. :)
First of all, thank you all for your replies. I feel that my initial point, while misunderstood, has, amidst the mild flaming and looking down upon me, generated some worthwhile discussion. Certainly my eyes have been opened a little.
Anyway, to carify what I was trying to say. Forgive me that my earlier post didn't make this clear ( I wrote that very late at night after running 3 miles and playing 2 sets of tennis):
What I really meant to say was that male and female brains are wired differently.
While most women are interested in looks to some degree, they are more interested in how a man makes them feel. Above all, I believe women want a man who will be loyal and committed, as well as provide for them mentally/emotionally and physically ( in the whole sense of the word, looks as well as material possessions included).
Men, on the other hand want different things, at least initially. Men are attracted initially to women who look good. This applies to all men to some degree. Looks are not the be all and end all for men, but they are very very important to most. Men are not pigs, they generally see women as more than "butts and busts', but physical attractiveness is very very important to sustain attraction in a man over the initial period of a relationship.
Elwood: I would like to state that I was talking merely about the initial stage of attraction between a man and a woman. Scientists have dome studies of this type of thing and found that this 'honeymoon' period lasts, IIRC, between 3months and one year of a relationship. After this time, the brain starts to release different chemicals. In this stage of attraction, for most men I know, looks are an absolutely huge factor. Obviously, after a while things change and 'hotness' can easily become a much more insignificant part of things (at least that is how it was for me). Regardless, it is irrelevant for me, I am here to try and understand what attracts women - If i wanted to attract men I would be posting on a gay message board, lol.
Also, there is probably some truth in what you say about me being a litlle shallow. I am probably a little shallow. Not greatly, but a little. I believe this is due mostly to social conditioning - another favorite topic of mine, I might write a post about it somewhere.
CM
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