Men and Women - Attraction Building

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Men and Women - Attraction Building
39
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:28pm

OK, so this is my first post on these forums and I would like to give you all a little background on what I would like to do here.

I am a 23 year old male. I feel like I cannot attract women for any length of time, which is rather sad since I am basically limited to having ONS and drunken encounters with women. Although I have more than my fair share of success with women in bars and clubs etc, I can't seem to translate that success into long term success in attracting a woman sufficiently to get into a serious, committed relationship. I have had a couple of term long relationships in the past but mostly I feel I just 'got lucky' in finding the right girls who were into me and developing the relationship. I feel I can attract a woman to me before she gets to know me, but then I usually mess it up before any real feelings can build.

I feel sad at the moment since I feel like I have so much to offer a woman and I want to be there for someone, as well as have someone there to be there for me. I am sick of going through life alone, not being able to experience all the wonderful things about life with someone special amd grow together with them. SO I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE IT MY MISSION to CONSTANTLY IMPROVE MYSELF IN EVERY WAY UNTIL I FIND SOMEONE.

So there you have it. After a particularly disappointing date on Saturday night, where basically I had a great girl who I thought was attracted to me and I totally ruined it by my own actions and decisions. I have decided to devote all my energy to finding someone special.

I hope that you all can help me out here as I post my ideas, experiences and plans for the future in this area. I would certainly love to help you all out in decoding guys behavior.

OK - Attraction

What causes attraction in females, and how does this differ from males. I think this is really the key thing which need to learn. In order to analyze this properly, I need to make some pretty sweeping generalizations about men and women and the way that they behave. These generalizations are certainly not universally true, but for our purposes they have significant utility.

What makes a man attracted to a Woman?

A man can tell within a few seconds (or less), of meeting a woman whether he is attracted to a woman simply by looking at her. Men are much more turned on by looks than by anything else. As far as men are concerned, looks are, far and away, the most important thing re attraction. I don't know if women accept this or not, but it is the cold hard truth. Men are attracted, at least initially, solely by whether he feels physically attracted to a woman.

On the other hand. Women are attracted to a man by the way that he makes her feel. Don't get me wrong, looks play a part in how attracted a woman is to a man but that is only due to the feelings that a good looking man generates in a woman.

In order to attract woman, men need to understand this fact. Most men go around 'picking up' women the same way they would want to be 'picked up'. This is the wrong approach.

Anyway, most of you probably just TLDR'd this post, but I think I have something to offer here to you all, and I hope you will help me out in my dating quandary. I have a date next week with a girl that a coworker is setting me up with. I will post how it goes and hopefully you guys can help me out with some tips.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:37pm

Hey, hey, hey, everyone relax...

Anyway, I agree with some points you have, but I still think you're overthinking it. You'll attract a woman when you attract one. If a woman cares about your expensive watch, she's in it for your money, definitely NOT for you. I don't give a s**t if a guy wears a nice watch or designer clothes...on the flip side, that usually turns me off. I end up seeing the guy as a little metro (which is fine, but not my type at all). Every guy I've dated has had a wardrobe of jeans and t shirts, for the most part...I'd like it for a guy to be neat and dress better occasionally, but other than that...don't care.

I also just don't like it when men tell us what women are attracted to. We ARE women!! It's not just you, I've seen a number of guys do it on this board. The women on the board obviously outnumber the guys, and we don't sit around telling you guys what's attractive to men, do we?? You guys seem to do a great job of that on your own! We KNOW what we're attracted to, so listen to us! We're LIVING it, as I've said before. We don't need to be told what we're attracted to.

Let me say what I think leads to a lot of arguments on this board: there is a BIG difference between looks and attraction. Looks as in stereotypical good looks, attraction as in, as it sounds, who you're attracted to. To me, and I think most on this board would agree, ATTRACTION matters a GREAT deal (both physical and emotional), but "good looks"....not so much. I don't want a trophy, I want a guy that does something for ME, not for everyone else. I believe that attraction is important to men, too, as should it be...if not, you're left with little more than friendship (which is great too). I think you're almost arguing over semantics at this point and I think that there are probably fewer differences between what attracts men and women than you think there are. Just my honest opinion. As a woman, not a man who tries to analyze women. I believe that most men are more visually stimulated than women, but that still leads back to attraction, not necessarily good looks...the men who want trophies on their arm and look for the "hot" factor are the ones I try so desperately to avoid.

I still stand by my original statement, you're 23, you can't force an attraction, you have time, and you'll meet someone wen you meet someone, not by buying nice clothes, a fancy watch, and losing weight. Non-shallow women, the ones that will actually have a relationship with you, won't give a damn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 8:44am

Very well, conversation I can do. You know what post of yours I responded to the first time . . read the one shy wrote previous to it, go back and forth ten times if you have to. In your response, I honestly saw a condescending rebuff with an intent to draw a little blood. Now, in writing I am very often misunderstood. I come across very direct and gruff . . I depend a great deal on voice inflection and body language in person. I am a very animated person, so email / posting removes 75% of my personality. The point is, if you cant see why that would be hurtful, especially in the face of direct conversation telling you it would in fact be . . then those dinner table conversations are going to suffer the same issues. It is worth consideration.

I also agree with post 32? You should restrict conversation about what you find attractive to words like “I find” . . studies aside . . no two people are alike. At 23 to ignore all the very good responses these women offered, and frankly mine was not so bad if not a bit harsh . . . is foolish. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you have it all figured out, you don’t . . nor will you 20 years from now. None of us ever get this stuff “all worked out”.

Some girls think me a handsome man, go figure . . . I don’t analyze it, I except it as true, and am grateful for the admiration when it finds me. I certainly do not want any other man telling a woman what “I” find attractive. I am not a one dimensional person. I can not find “attraction” in a photo alone. I have to see the person, the animation . . what they are. And when I find it . . I feel it completely. Without ever having met or having really seen the woman on this board, I find several to be “attractive” woman. Just is what it is. That seems to me to be the piece of the puzzle you are missing. The ability to see “attractive” in personality alone . . or to except it might play a huge role in why someone would find you attractive. For the purposes of this conversation, and to head off a predictable response from a LOT of people . . finding some one attractive . . and having chemistry are different things. (Those great phone conversations on Match that are dud's on the first date, etc.) But on the other hand, I will never find “chemistry” with a woman I am not “attracted” to . . .and I am “attracted” to all of her . . looks don’t mater all that much. There is no consistency to the “type” of woman I date in that regard, but with regard to the kind of heart, personality, intelligence, warmth . . I am very consistent in my type.

Forget the watch, hey got the money . .whatever . . but if you want to attract woman, not trophies looking for gold . . yes, take care of yourself, be clean, be dressed in a way that is appropriate for the places you go and the crowd you hang with . . own an iron . .lol . . . but reach inside . . a smile, or as TG said yesterday, a flash of the eye that cant be described, or faked in my book . . it takes a happy soul. Find that . . you will find your LTR . . and at 23, I’m sure finding a “cute one” will be no problem for you. If the L in LTR is to have meaning . . . you will have to get past the outer package in time, we all change with the years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 3:36pm

"What I really meant to say was that male and female brains are wired differently.

While most women are interested in looks to some degree, they are more interested in how a man makes them feel. Above all, I believe women want a man who will be loyal and committed, as well as provide for them mentally/emotionally and physically ( in the whole sense of the word, looks as well as material possessions included).

Men, on the other hand want different things, at least initially. Men are attracted initially to women who look good. This applies to all men to some degree. Looks are not the be all and end all for men, but they are very very important to most. Men are not pigs, they generally see women as more than "butts and busts', but physical attractiveness is very very important to sustain attraction in a man over the initial period of a relationship."

Do you really believe this? I mean read the thread "What makes a man sexy" and read all the posts about flirting with or eyeing cute guys and I'd be surprised if you think that a mans good looks don't initially attract women. I mean doesn't looking at a hot or cute guy make women feel good? Why do you think many women complain that good looking men are jerks or haven't developed their personalities? Because they've never had to. They've never had to sell themselves. They usually get women anyway (although women usually realize this the older they grow, but that doesn't stop them from checking out hot guys).

But hasn't this topic been discussed so many times? There are sooo many threads about this.

Edited 6/21/2007 3:55 pm ET by s_goddess




Edited 6/21/2007 3:58 pm ET by s_goddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 4:17pm

>>Why do you think many women complain that good looking men are jerks or haven't developed their personalities? Because they've never had to. They've never had to sell themselves.

I don't think it's fair to say that the only reason people develop their personalities is to sell themselves. Good looking people can be nice/have good personalities, too, haha. Just because they do! or aren't that shallow or all-consumed with acquiring a mate. There's been a lot of talk of bettering oneself to get women or men on here as of late, but why not, as a poster on another thread (something profound, I think?) said, develop our personalities and become better people for our OWN sake, to enrich OUR lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 6:40pm

I don't think it's fair to say that the only reason people develop their personalities is to sell themselves. Good looking people can be nice/have good personalities, too
*********************************

Of coarse this is true. You can never box things up in a neat little package. However for the sake of this conversation the only people that can play the “only hot models” for me game, male or female, and actually pull it off are people that fit the description themselves. And they will always have people standing in line. (-: That can and does lead in some cases to underdeveloped . . .depth of personality. (-: But short comings in personality are hardly restricted to the “hot” people of the world even if some might enjoy believing it was true . . lol

And of coarse self improvement is always a good thing. But it won’t achieve the above description unless genetics gave it to you at birth. Heck at 25 I ran the Orange bowl marathon just for kicks. At 35 I was still doing a hundred pull ups a day. I still never fit those ���hot” descriptions . . .I have a very small thin frame on a tall body. No mater how good a shape I was ever in . . .a guy who never worked out at all, but had good genetics would still be the head turner in the room. It is what it is.

Improvement is relevant to perception sometimes. (-: I just happen to agree with the notion that a healthy happy soul will follow with a healthy happy body . . .and that does not need to be a super model. “Hot” comes in many packages to me. (-:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 10:27pm

if you're truly looking for a pleasing relationship with a woman, i believe you'd be best to use your good sense and seek a female who is both pleasing to the eye and one >>"who will be loyal and committed, as well as provide for them mentally/emotionally and physically">>.

combine what you assume women AND men seek in a partner and you'll fare better IMO.... because if you only go initially on good looks (hottie), you'll end up spinning your wheels over and over.

my first thought when i met my man was "wow hes cute!", this is often the case for both sexes...of course to maintain that attraction i needed much more then his good looks to hold my attention...his first words to me were "wow you're pretty!" (we were a blind date, so that explains our initial comments to one another LOL)...in the 5 years we've slowly developed our romance into a healthy, well-balanced committed love, he and i have both maturely factored in lots and lots of paying attention to the good qualities we find most pleasing in a mate...he speaks of loving the "good woman" i am, and i love that hes a consistantly good guy and a man of his word...not to mention hes smart, interesting, interested, sweethearted, strong, gentle, sexy, sensuous, courteous, thoughtful, funny/witty, peaceful/even-tempered, etc etc all that jazz LOL (oh and did i mention hes oh soo cute!? LOL)....he and i are both thrilled that we made such a sensible, wise, compatible match and used our heads as well as our hearts....trust me, it makes for the most pleasing romance!

so sure, good looks will be that initial attraction, but i'd quickly "next" anyone who didn't show the potential to be a good, healthy mate to me as well.

although you do sound a bit immature and maybe not ready for a real romance yet, and thats ok, you're only 23, you have plenty of time to figure this all out :)

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:40am

Hello everyone,


This is a reminder about our Terms of Service (TOS http://www.ivillage.com/help/tos.html) and Rules of Play (http://www.ivillage.com/boards/0,,b46m,00.html). Because this is a public forum, some argument is to be expected, as well as that not everyone will agree with your opinions. However, please remember to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 9:59am
Am I missing something? I didn't think anyone was attacking anyone else, on the contrary I thought it was a rather productive thread...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:47am

Well, this is a somewhat emotional issue for some people, including me. I am very defensive of people I like sometimes. Kind of a silly fault, like they need me to defend them to begin with. (-: I am sure I suffer some responsibility for the posting / warming.
I tend to take a much harder and more direct tone with men in general, and it looks worse than it is in writing sometimes. I tend to be smiling a lot more than what shows through when I write, and can be a bit sarcastic at times. I look very "gruff" in writing, when in fact it could very well be laughter over beers. Sometimes that "old Sergeant" just shows through in me.

Anyway, I hope I did not step on any toes to hard. I certainly did not mean to . . .I consider it a privilege to be excepted into the room, one that needs to be earned . . and I understand that some things simply have no place here. sorry guys. I am figuring this out . .be patient with me. (-:

Elwood

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