Men must have an emotional on/off switch
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| Tue, 08-01-2006 - 7:54am |
Hi All,
I think I will probably be a member of this community forever! I have posted on a couple of other boards and I have to say some of the posts I've read from others has already helped me a great deal. At least I know I'm not alone.
I just don't understand how a man can love you more than anything one day and then leave your life in complete shambles and not even check to make sure you are making out alright. My boyfriend and I had plans to move in together to his place. I had put my notice in to my apartment and was in the process of getting things ready at his house for my move in (cleaning, getting my stuff together, etc.). Meanwhile, I had a preliminary offer of a new job at a city that is located about an hour and a half away. We had some serious discussions about how we could continue with our plan to move in and still take the new position. We worked out a plan that not only would keep us together, but also be in a position for me to save a lot of money.
A few days later we had another major discussion about having children. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and knew all along I wanted to have kids..at least one. All of a sudden...he was saying he wasn't sure about the kids thing. I told him that I wasn't giving up on the desire to have kids, but I certainly didn't want to break up over it. That he was the most important thing to me and we would work around anything else.
The next day I was at my parents house and he was at home when he called me. He basically continued to bring up the whole problem with the kids thing and was basically trying to get me to break up with him. After about the fifth time of telling him I didn't want to break I told him that I also didn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. So yeah...he told me that "I'm not the guy for you." I'm completely floored over this. He had broken up with me once before after a fight we had had and then four days later begged me to take him back. I do have the piece of mind of knowing that I tried everything I could to make this relationship work. But what really gets to me is he doesn't know if I have a place to live, the job situation, money situation. In addition...I had bought a dog when we made the decision to move in together. Since the break up three weeks ago...I finally decided that I had to give up the dog. He is now living with a guy I work with and will still be able to keep in touch. That is the biggest heartbreak of the whole thing. Granted..I shouldn't have bought the dog until the situation was steady..but I do blame him completely for my having to give up my precious baby.
I just don't understand how guys can just stop caring and act like they never did. In addition...he handled the break up horribly. Whenever I needed to contact him about tying up loose ends...picking up stuff and so forth...he would always hang up on me at the end of our conversation. This was only the day after he broke up with me. Then I had sent him a text saying I forgot to leave something of his and would bring it with his other stuff in the next day or two. No response...granted no response was necessary..but how could he be so uncaring and cruel to someone...just days before...had SAID he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
I guess I'm just ranting here...but it hurts. This always seems to happen to me for some reason and I don't know why. I'm 36 now and am pretty much giving up on finding someone to marry before I get past the child bearing age. I don't think I want to have kids in my 40's. And I'm so picky...it usually takes me a while before I'm attracted or feel a connection with someone else. That's the other thing...it bothers me even more because I AM so picky. How bad would I be treated if I wasn't picky????
Thanks for listening...
Allstar

First of all... {{{HUGSSSS}}} ... it seemed that your life is turned upside down... a complete 180 and that you are hurt and in shock.
It sounded like having a child, having a more-or-less permanent live-in situation with you, and having you alter/adjust your plans-life just so you are together hit him all at once and brought him into a very real reality of the relationship and hence the breakup. A classic commitment fear.
His "don't care" behavior is his way of distancing from the relationship and making sure that he will not get hooked back into it like he did before.
With your remark on how "This always seems to happen to me for some reason and I don't know why." I encourage you to examine on why you co-create such a pattern in your life. My experience was I use to attract angry women. I realized it was from my mother and I did a lot of personal and spiritual work on myself. I see as an indicator of my spiritual health is the people I attract in my life and I am doing well now. You may want to consider counseling for this particular issue.
Take care and yeah, it sucks.
Mark
Hi Mark,
Thank you for the response. I had definitely thought it was a scared off type move. But I don't know how I could have avoided it. He asked me to move in within the first 5 months of our relationship. He suggested and he pursued it. It's what I wanted to...so I'mnot sure how I should have handled things differently. Do I from now on not take men at their word when they say they want to do something? Do you see the dilema I am having? I didn't push this..he did. So I went along with it and got burned.
And as for the why it always happens to me. I have definitely already considered what I am doing to contribute to this situation. I have already gone through two years of therapy after my last break up and I thought I had resolved most of this bad boy stuff. The one thing I did notice that was different about my ex compared to the others I didn't usually keep around long is...he kind of put in my place. What I mean is...on one of our early dates...while having a conversation he said to me...you are dissecting everything I say. Basically without even realizing it....I was kind of challenging everything he told me. And when he called me on it...I stopped and I developed respect for him right then and there. That seems to be the big thing with me. I find it difficult to respect most of the guys I date because they do seem to be overeager and so willing to do whatever I want. I need to have someone who has their own ideas and opinions. Am I being delusional? Is this part of my problem and I don't even realize it?
Thanks for your input....
Allstar
I think your ex-bf's actions were inappropriate. First off, he didn't take the time to actually sit down with you and discuss the situation, especially since you were ready and packed to go to the new place to live TOGETHER. he was definitely scared to approach you knowing that you were getting ready to move in together, etc. he basically took smthg you wanted (kids) "away" from you - assuming YOU would dump him. since you were adamant that you would work things out with him, his plan backfired. in the end, he should have been more of an adult and approached you in-person then trying to twist things around.
I think it is good to have someone point out what you are doing "wrong" or how you react to certain situations. I tend to come off as someone that challenges another person or seem argumentative. However, I tend to do that with people I care about (i.e. friends, family, close co-worker) because I really don't take the time to fight or question smthg if I wasn't concerned for the person's well-being. Of course, when these people I care about ask me why I am "arguing" with them - I tell them exactly what I just stated. Then they finally understand that I tend to be the "nuturing" type and not doing it because I don't like them or smthg.
"I need to have someone who has their own ideas and opinions."
Like you, I want to be with someone who will speak up and voice his own opinions/ideas, but not controlling. It's nice to have everything go your way or the highway, but I feel like there's more to share between two people when different thoughts, opinions are thrown out into the open. There are guys at work ( i know that like me) that tend to apologize everytime I say or do smthg. That annoys me! I even tell them I am joking, but yet still profusely apologizes. Sometimes, I feel guys that apologize a lot or always do what I want tend to be those that seem to be more insecure with themselves - always worried about how I or others will react to a given situation. These guys tend to end up being my friends then a potential boyfriend.
keep your chin up high!
It seems you did everything on YOUR part in the relationship. My guess is the missing piece is the unconscious part of attracting such a person who wanted an intimate relationship on one level but another part of him was scared to death about it (which a LOT of people - men and women are).
It sounds you have identified a pattern in your life where you attract men who are overeager to please (and perhaps once you are in relationship, they bolt?). This may be the next layer to work on.
I see our lives as layers like in an onion where we address (peel) one layer but there is always the next deeper layer to work on.
Mark