Missing ex during holiday season.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Missing ex during holiday season.
3
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 1:54am

Hi,

I just need to vent a little bit. I have been dealing with my breakup of a month. I have been keeping myself busy, and reading self-improvement articles whenever I start to feel down. I have decided that I am not going to dwell on things and to try and move on. However, the thing is that no matter how many articles I read or how much I tell myself that I am better off without him, in my heart I feel as though he is the one for me. I know that he still cares for me. Normally if this was any other guy or breakup I would be upset but would know that I am 1000 times better off without him. But with this guy it is different. We brokeup about 4 years ago then got back together. I have the same feeling as I did when we brokeup before, I knew that at some point we would get back together. I still feel the same way. I do not feel that it will happen anytime soon. I am not saying that I am sitting here expecting it to happen. I am trying to move on with my life and to think of it as things being over good. I am just saying that in my heart I do not feel like this is the end for us. But I am not holding my breath on this one.

I have been in a pretty good mood lately, minus little upsets late at night before I go to sleep. I had a really nice xmas eve with my family. But now I am beging to miss him. I think the reason I am missing him more is because I spoke to him last night on msn for about 45 mins. I am wondering if I should call him tomorrow and wish him a merry christmas even though he said to me last night if I do not talk to you again soon have a merry christmas. So I guess I should not call him and just wait for him to contact me.

All my friends have said how impressed they are with how well I am dealing with this. It also makes me feel good that all my friends and his friends feel that he is being stupid and making a mistake by breaking up with me. As all his friends think that I am a great girl/g/f. However, I know that this is between my ex and I. It just makes me feel good hearing ppl say that. I am not saying that I did not contribute anything to the breakup. I know that it takes two ppl to have a relationship and two ppl not working things out to cause a relationship. I do however feel that he was the one not wanting to work things out. Anyways that is besides the point. I am not blaming him for anything, as I feel despite how much it hurts, this breakup has been a good learning leason for me. A few weeks before my ex b/f and I brokeup I was diagnosed with moderate depression. So I was sorta of in a really stressed out state of mind for having to drop my university courses right near the end of the semester and also finding out I was depressed even though I knew I was thats why I went to the doctor. So at this point I was sort of an emotional mess, and I think that may have been a contributing factor the breakup. However, I do not feel that is the reason he brokeup with me. When the breakup happened it forced me to start thinking about what I contributed to the demise of the relation and how my emotional/stressed state of mind may have been a factor in all of this. I begin to realize that one of the main things that my ex had been attracted to me for was pretty much dwindling. That was my self-confidence and how confident I was in my work and schooling. The main reason for my depression is due to my lack of satisfaction around where I am at in my life. So basically my confidence had pretty much shrinked.

I told myself that I am going to use this situation as motivation for me to start feeling better about my where I am at in life. So I have basically took this negative event and turned it into a positive one. I feel like in someways I needed something like this to happen to wake me up from the state I was in. I wish that it did not have to be this, but sometimes you need one door to close before you can see another door opening for you.

Thanks for listening.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:37pm

Ya know, my best friend just went through a break up that she thought was going to be difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:43pm

Hi,

I think you have an excellent attitude during a hard time. Now that the holidays are nearing the end you can focus on getting your confidence back. Take some time to recharge and you can get back on track. Personally I think that its too bad that your bf couldn't be there for you instead of bailing out. I think guys have issues sometimes.
Good for you for looking on the positive side of things. A good attitude will get you far in life and in love.

Best of luck to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 5:08am

Hi,

Thanks for the responses. I think that one of my main difficulties is that I have a hard time finding a balance between, University, work and my personal relationships. When I am single I am more confident in my schooling and work because I have more time to focus on it, and do not have to worry about finding time for another person in my life besides my friends and family. But when I get a b/f I find it stressfull to get everything done and still find time to see them. Sure my ex b/f was very supportive and would never say to me not to do my hwk. In fact he would cancel plans for me if I ever needed him to help me out for an assignment. For example one day I started working on a transcription analyze that I had to do for one of my psych courses. But when I went to listen to the recorded tape of my ex b/f's conversation with our friend that I taped for my progject the taped had broken in half so I could not due the rest of the project. The assignment was due in a day and half so I called my ex b/f (bf at the time) crying and freaking out. So that night my ex cancelled his plans as I had told him I would be busy with hwk that sat night so he was going to have dinner with his parents then go out. So instead he cancelled his plans and my friend even though she was really sick and worked all day come to re-tape the conversation for me so that I could get my assingment done on time. It was never him saying to me not to focus on those things. I just find it really stressfull to have so many things in my life going on at once. Meaning that when I get a b/f something in my life tends to suffer a bit, thus my schooling tends to not get as much of a focus. So along with that goes my self-confidence as I always feel so pressured for time. It is my internal self that is giving me all the pressure. So then at the end of our relationship I felt depressed and had all these things on my plate, plus just finishing physiotherpay as I got hurt at work. I do therapy with autistic children, so I was off work for 2 and half months which really stressed me out. Plus my ex had dislocated his elbow playing base ball right around the time I was getting better so he was off work and stressed cuz he is the type that I can't stand to be away from his responsibilities and does not like sitting around wasting his dats. So I was worried about him so we both just had so many things that I think we just got so stressed out. My ex tends to act like a real guy and not really discuss things when he is stressed, he will say things like I wish I was at work or I need to try and get this done. But he will not sit and talk for awhile about it as he would rather deal with it on his own. So I think all this had alot to do with the demise of the relationship. I really think that it was a bunch of things that just all added up to the falling out.

The thing that still gets me though is that he promised me that 2 days after we brokeup that he would talk to me about things. But that never ended up happening because his dad ended up being in town. Well anyways we have talked a few times online and he has e-mailed me once to say sorry for not calling me like he said. But other than that we have not discussed things. I feel hurt by this as it is rude to not follow through and very unlike him. I have kept my distance from him and have not called him. However, I still feel that I need to have that talk with him the feel a real sense of closure. But I really do not want to be the one to intiate it. I already sent him a short e-mail about a week an half 2 weeks ago basically saying that I have no hard feelings towards him, asked how his elbow was doing and that when he is ready I would appreciate it if he kept his promise of talking to me. Then I said I understood if he needs time and space to deal with things and that I hope when he is ready he would call me and talk to me. He did not reply to this, then last sat I talked to him online but never brought the e-mail up as I am not going to talk about the relationship online.

So if you have any other advice that would be great. So I am basically leaving the ball in his court. So if and when he wants to talk to me I may be willing too. However, the fact that he has not replied yet his making me less likely to ever want him in my life again. He told me that he still wanted me in his life etc... as we have known each other for 6 years. But like I told him the night we brokeup I am not sure that I can do that. I actually told him that I did not want to talk to him or see him anymore and that I would avoid him like the plague. But I was just really upset at the time and then did say that I still wanted to talk to him that sunday. So I am thinking that maybe he took me really literally when I said that. However, he is not dumb he knows me so the way I see it if he really wanted to talk to me or cared about me at all he would have called me. Although I know that when he is upset he likes space and time to think. So he may be just doing this as it would be to hard for him to talk to me, not to mention guys like to distract themselves with things like sports as it is easier for them to pretend that the thing that upsets them does not exist so that could be what he is doing.

Anyways thanks for listening.