mistakes we single gals make

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
mistakes we single gals make
11
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 7:50pm

It's occurred to me over the last few weeks that my single friends and I have certain common characteristics. After reflecting recently about why I'm still single at the age of 31, I realized that I and all of my single girlfriends have one big thing in common-- we are all TOO NICE and we give the wrong men TOO MANY chances, thus wasting our precious time and youth on the wrong people. We're all nice women, kind hearted, fairly quiet, accomodating even. I am guilty of this, and I've noticed that while my friends who are now married have always been very quick to cast off guys who do not treat them well, my single friends and I have always given these men the benefit of the doubt. For example, when a guy I initially liked who I went out on a handful of dates with ghosted on me and unexpectedly stopped calling me, one of my single friends suggested I send him an email and not give up on him just yet. She was so certain I should give him another chance. Certain married friends of mine would have said, no way, he's an a****** and not worth it. Next!!

Another married friend refused to talk to her ex-boyfriend after they broke up. She wouldn't allow herself to go down the road of becoming his friend with benefits or even just calling him to say hi. She cut him off, and then one day he came crawling back and now they're married. My single friends, on the other had, have mostly agreed to be friends with benefits with exes and other men who are not willing to fully commit to them. One single girl I know dated her ex for years before they broke up. He was awful to her, yet still, to this day, she takes his calls in hope that he will change for the better.

This all has made me wonder-- while I attribute the fact that I'm single partly to bad luck, I also believe that I am also responsible for it because of my own actions and reactions to bad dating situations. Anyone else wonder about this and whether or not we are really our own worst enemies when it comes to dating and dealing with men? Sometimes I really do wish that during college I was tougher and more demanding with men. It seemed to have worked for all of the girls I know who are married now.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:05pm

I don't think you can generalize about why most or even a lot of people are single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:28am

This is not a situation where you can define the problem and then fix it. There's much more going on.

There are sociological issues:

~ people feel they have too many options that they simply cannot pass on, thanks to the big business concept of "online dating"
~ we don't form communities like we used to anymore, communities in which people were interconnected and knew each other, therefore decreasing the chances of someone "ghosting" on you (in other words, people were on their best behavior because they knew your grandma could give a mean spanking no matter how old they were)
~ people are rude and don't know how to relate to each other
~ the psychological concept of "co-dependency" has rendered the desire to be with someone as "dysfunctional," or, to put it another way, if you are not shouting from the rooftops that you are happy to be single, you need therapy, or another book.

There's probably more. And, it may be that mysterious timing issue, or simply not being at the right place at the right time. Yet.

Allow me to punch a whole in your theory... I know many women who are nice and accommodating and should have told the guy they married to hit the road, but they did not, and they are happy (they seem to be anyway, I'm not the fly on the wall).

It's not you.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:04am

I think that the other posters had good points. I don't think you are a doormat. I would never pursue a guy (ok maybe when I was younger) who blew me off. Keep in mind...Let it go, it comes back to you theory.

But then again...why is everthing up to the man??? I mean I have aked guys out & you know it sucks...becauser them you could be perceived as being too aggressive or assertive...and man, you just want to date...

Here's a couple of books that I thought had some good points:

http://www.whymenlovebitches.com/

Why Men Love Bitches delivers a unique perspective as to why men are attracted to a strong woman who stands up for herself. With saucy examples on every page, this book delivers a compelling message as to why a woman with a backbone is much more desirable to a man than a "yes" woman who routinely sacrifices herself. This book is not only packed with powerful advice for women, it is seasoned by secret admissions coming directly from men. Once you've discovered why men think a feisty attitude is so attractive, you'll not only increase the romantic chemistry in the relationship, you'll also gain your man's love and respect with far less effort

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:06am

There are no mistakes. We attract what we need to at that moment. We learn and grow from all experiences. Sometimes I take the spiritual route. " if meant to be, he will appear" The most gorgeous UPS man was at my house yesterday, but too young. (:- )

People also get maried later in life. Sometimes I e-mail my X boyfriend, sometimes we take a break, sometimes we go some place together. Sometimes it sets me back a little emotionally but I can handle it and know he can't commit so i don't visualize a life with him, but I thibk we are connected from another life and I keep love in my heart for everyone.

I might be a senior, but I am a great looking woman with a lot of qualities and believe I will be in one more relationship. Leila

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:23am

While there is definitely some credit to standing up for yourself and not taking men's BS, I personally am usually the dumper in my dating situations, duping the guy when things don't appear to have any potential, they aren't treating me how I deserve and when they clearly haven't been into me.

I've still single. And coming up on my 3rd year single anniversary. And my friends who don't put up with it are all also very single.

But its still a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:44pm

I know for a fact I am guilty of this. I lasted five years in a relationship that was going nowhere doing this. I've done it multiple times in the three years since then.

Today, in fact, I made the decision *not* to give a recent guy the benefit of the doubt. We're only on date four, and he's making all sorts of random excuses why he's not available. If he does make a date with me, he says he only has two hours and then has to go home and work or go home and pack. GRR. Red flags all over the place (um-married??), and I don't feel like being Ms. Nice Guy anymore.

We women deserve better - and I vow not to put up with crap from men* anymore in the name of "the benefit of the doubt."

--
*apologies to the men on the board -- I know you're not all like this. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:13pm

Wonder about it??? Of course I have!

I have probably broken every rule in the book. I had several chances to get married. A couple I regret and wonder "what if".

I know I've made my share of "mistakes" but I am not sure I'd call them that because it's my life and my path and I still don't know what the future holds.

Some of the things I wish were different were that I wished my mom and dad gave me a good example and help with gaining a positive relationship...I got no guidance from them. In college, I was waaay too shy and undeveloped to do this, but if I wasn't, I would have socialized up a storm. If I were to do things differently, I would only stay with men I really love and not just for companionship. I would not settle. I also would have "got out there" more often..but what can I say? I am naturally introverted, with a history of depression (not depressed now). At the time, it was what I knew. I didn't know any different. I also didn't ever think I was "ready" or "good enough". Now I see that is nonsense...I am definitely good enough and definitely ready.

I have a cute friend in her 30's. She did things right...she dated up a storm, she didn't give too much to a man she totally loved, she was marriage and child focused..and she is still single! So is another woman I know of. She says "I was supposed to be married by now". So, there you go! Planning and doing the right things doesn't always lead to the outcome.

I'll tell you what, though. I'd MUCH rather be ME than my high school bf who married young and has told me the relationship is so boring he cannot stand it. He told me he remembers everything about US! To me it's ancient history. I've grown a lot since then. Now, lately I do sometimes wonder if I said "yes" to my bf at age 31, who loved me...but then he took off to Europe several times over...never had any financial stability, lived on impulse and it would have been hard and I might have ended up killing him! Also, onetime he asked to share my money! That just made me sick. He also actually degenerated in life (he may or may not have with me, I don't know) where he actually became a WORSE person in life...hostile, bitter, rude, angry. I certainly don't want to be with the new M! So, we don't know. What I do know is I am open to adventure again.

I am totally OK, really. LIve and learn. I feel the best is to come for me. I have lots of life left. Lots.

Edited 8/15/2007 7:51 pm ET by lv2breathe




Edited 8/15/2007 7:55 pm ET by lv2breathe
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:25pm

College...in hindsight I realize I didn't take advantage of the situation in the right way... that really was one of the first big chances to meet someone but unfortunately, in my case, I dumped a great guy who loved me for the wonderful opportunity to date/hookup with a slew of non-commital dudes who are all probably married by now to the women they really wanted.

I think if I met the right guy in college I would have married before 25 even. I don't remember thinking during college, "I just don't want to get married yet, it's not part of my master plan for my 20s, I have too much to do with myself." We all know people who dated and married while they were in school, during grad school, during their first big job. Two of the best examples of true career women I know married before they turned 30, and they were and still are real agressive go-getters still shining in their respective fields.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, did I spend the bulk of my 20s drinking the "focus-on-only-you-and-your-career-goals-you're-only-young-once" Kool-Aid?

Haven't we always been told to "find ourselves" first-- Don't get married yet, don't have kids until you're in your 30s, go live life, indulge yourself, you'll regret missing the boat if you don't. The unhappily married women and bitter feminists who told me this stuff failed to add a little side-note to their strong and single manifesto: that when you find the right man you won't have to give up anything because if he truly loves and respects who you are he will support your dreams.

Strange, I've never heard the "find yourself" speech from happily married women.

The last woman who fed me that line is now in the middle of a divorce. Hmmm...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:59pm

>> --
*apologies to the men on the board -- I know you're not all like this. :)

Accepted. And nice footnote. Good editorial skills, I must say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:57pm

I have the unfortunate combination of going for the wrong guys, but not being able to tolerate any crap, thus I am single most of the time. I don't stay in things too long, but maybe I'm too quick to pull the trigger. I don't know anymore...

On the otherhand, I know of several women who got married too young and are bored and unhappy in their marriages, so they cheat on their husbands. I refuse to EVER be that person.

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