Mixed Feelings - Guy in my building asked me out........

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Mixed Feelings - Guy in my building asked me out........
10
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 7:26pm

Hi Everyone,

I hope this message finds everyone well........seems like we are having a punishing winter so far!!

Sooo........the building that I live in has a laundry room in the basement.  I am up two more flights (no elevator - old building, fairly low rise), so I typically bring down my laundry, then hang out in the laundry room until it washes and then put it in the dryer, after which I will go upstairs (no one really messes with your clothes, but it seems easier to invest the 1/2 hour in waiting down there, just to make sure everything gets sorted after you wash it and you take out any air dry stuff, etc.).

Anyhow.....I am making a short story long here!! lol but I was in the laundry room later on Saturday afternoon - a guy came in with his young son (approximately 5-6 years old).  Typically when you're in the laundry room people may make polite conversation, but he was drying some clothes and started chatting with me.  After a while I realized that this was going beyond a "typical" chat in length.........he was pretty nice.......some kind of Eastern European background (fairly common in my area).  He was telling me how he was a contractor, etc. and that basically once his ex got her "papers" she left him (marrying for citizenship also happens in Canada!).  He wasn't badmouthing her.......just kind of complaining a bit.  We kept chatting about general things (he asked me how I liked the building) and then.......hmm.......the subject really focused on me.  He started asking if I was married, etc. and had I ever been married.......and what kind of work I do.....I didn't really know him but I guess he knew me because he was talking about one day a few weeks ago when I was having trouble getting my car out of the lot because of snow.......(I didn't see him, but from his apartment he could see out to the back).

So we were talking about the neighbourhood and I mentioned a pub that I go to occasionally (a bit of rough crowd.....not that into going alone at night).  He said he knew the place too and had been there.  Basically he ended the conversation by saying that maybe one night we could go there together - I said yeah, that would be nice, as I usually go alone (oops.......didn't mean to blurt that out but that's the reality).  He said "Anytime you feel lonely (and want to go out) just come by - you know where my apartment is".

I talked to my mom and she was like - this guy is a NO GO.......I don't know what to think.  I was flattered that he had obviously noticed me - today I was taking out my dog and I saw his roommate in the lobby, who was checking me out.......on the one hand, it's a small building and gossip kind of travels a bit.......on the other, it's a perfectly nice guy who asked me out.......I don't mind at all dating someone who has kids.........

I guess I meet all these shallow guys in bars who are just after an easy lay........I really don't look for guys in other venues (burnt out from OLD, etc.)........so in a way, what's the harm? I hate to admit it also.......I really want to have sex.....it has been sooo long (I'm not comfortable with the fwb or just one night stands...........)

I have some newer DVDs here and I was thinking of just dropping by to say "Just wanted to see if you wanted to borrow these"............but once it's in motion.......

So there are positives, but also negatives (the gossip, plus if it goes bad, we're in the same building.......)

Thoughts??

M

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't understand why your mom said no.  Did he seem nice?  I think you should get to know him better--just because you hang out in a pub one night doesn't mean that you are in a committed relationship, right?  I would think twice about having sex with someone in the building if you don't want to get in a relationship w him because then it would be awkward and the potential for gossip too.  

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
I don't get why your mom said no either. I also could see it as him just asking you to become friends by hanging out together. I wouldn't stress over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Very true.......could just be friendly but I think the emphasis on the personal questions (specifically my marital status) lead me to think there was interest.......

I think my mom said no go just because this guy is (possibly) very recently separated/divorced from his wife and he may not have a drivers licence.  You know how moms are.......(mine at least) expects that I will meet some very established career person.......I think also with this being a sketchy area she doesn't want to see me in a situation with someone's ex/immigration/possible bad/dangerous situation.  Plus, I'm very sure she doesn't want me to have to move again......

Just not sure if I should step there or not.......definitely just a casual conversation in the laundry room but something is telling me that it was planned........this week I came home and I was getting out of my car and I noticed someone from his apartment watching me (couldn't see a face but the curtains moved very quickly when I turned around)........

Ughh!! Single......just never sure when you should think "leave it" or "go there" when your instincts are 50/50.  Guess I've had a few where my instincts told me "leave it" and I went there anyways, but then again, if you never take a chance.......!! lol

Mel

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

If it were me, I'd ask him out to the pub.  Then take things from there.  Why did your mom have such an unsavory take on him?  The kid or the negative ex talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Hmm........I guess this shouldn't be rocket science here but in the past if there was a guy situation, eventually once you stopped calling or he stopped calling it would fade into the background.  In this case, the guy is IN the building......hard to get away from.

I think my mom's concerns were:

1) He JUST left his wife (or so it seemed)

2) It could potentially be an unsafe situation (as I mentioned - bit of a rough area) - I don't really know what goes on with the ex but I could end up with four slashed tires, etc. - just a possibility.

3) My brother is with a woman from Asia who is basically a landed immigrant.  She is pregnant and doesn't have access to healthcare......so he has to pay for it. He has the money for it, but it's not an ideal situation and I don't think she wants me to face the same. I don't mean to sound racist in this comment - I think she just doesn't want to see me dealing with something similar.

4) If something happened with this guy and it did go wrong, she probably thinks I'd want to move and doesn't want to have to deal with it.

Yeah......it's not a traditional 'mom' relationship........I think she does tend to think of how my choices would affect her......but there is some rational thinking about going out with someone in your building, particularly if you don't know the full circumstances.

Anyhow!! All this brain surgery over going to a pub with a guy!! lol.......just wondering what you guys thought/any previous experiences in terms of "inter building dating/hanging out".  I have never lived in a building before so......it's all new.......still also getting used to the neighbourhood........

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you will figure out these situations as you get to know him.  If he said his wife married him for immigration reasons, then scenario no. 3 is not going to happen, right?  If you start off saying that you want to get to know him as a friend first--and don't have sex with him until you know him better--then I don't see these problems arising.  But if he gives off some kind of creepy vibe and always seems to be watching you, then I'd stay away from him.  I think it would be normal to ask if you were married since he just met you doing the laundry--it would be bad to ask out a woman and then find out she's married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Thank you everyone for your advice.......I really appreciate being on this board and having people to 'sound off' to that are in similar (single) situations.

I don't know......as much as I'd like to pursue this one, I'm leaning against it.  I know it's negative thinking, but it if somehow turns out badly, it could be very uncomfortable to live with.  I know this sounds totally crass, but I remember meeting a guy in university who worked at an airport and when I asked him why he didn't date any flight attendants, etc. (tons of good looking women working there, I'm sure) - his response was "I do not s*** where I eat!". 

I have been through a lot of weird landlords......this one seems good but she also came into the laundry room later when I was there and her (and this guy) seemed like pretty good friends.

Maybe a wise thing to keep the two things separate!! Although.....if I change my mind I will let you know. :) Maybe if I see him again in passing I can make a better judgment but he just really caught me off guard.......

Mel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

I agree with others that you don't want to rush into bed with him, have things not work out, and then be in the elevator with him. However, there's an intermediate option of getting to know him as a friend first, leaving open the prospect of more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Hi,

I agree that in theory this could be done......but frankly I just don't want to risk it.  There seem to be a few people who are in *tight* with the landlord (he being one of them) and as soon as anyone saw us together, they would assume we were dating. There is also a significant language barrier as well - I think he would also assume that we were dating (possibly......?).

Frankly, I've only been in the building for six months and although I'd like to date someone, I need a comfortable (stress free) place to live much more.  As I say, if I see him in passing I will certainly chat with him but I don't think the possible benefits here outweigh the possibility of any problems with my living environment down the road.  I know this is a sexist comment, but if things don't go a man's way, I find they tend to like to tell stories to others to tarnish your character......(as he was already doing, telling me negative things about his ex).

Anyhow......fully analyzed!!! lol.  I am just going to hang back on this one for now......

Mel :)

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  I agree with your assesment.  I too live in a building where there are people i would bed.  But the problems are quite high.  I do not want someone at my door constantly.  i like living alone and going out to see friends.  i do not want to sacrifice my privacy.  people sometimes think they own you.  In American English we think or our friend ,our lover,our sex partner, all definations of ownership.   No one needs enemies close to home.  A former lover can be such an enemy.

dragowoman