The Morning After...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
The Morning After...
12
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 4:12pm

This all took place early saturday morning, I was out with this guy for the 3rd time and some friends. He kept offering to buy me beer and shots and i kept accepting with the mindset that "why does he keep wanting me to drink so badly?". Next thing i know, i'm waking up the next morning in his bed with no panties on, my car not there and i'm missing my credit card. When i woke up, i was wondering what i was doing there and i had some glimpses of what happened through the night. But i wanted to leave as soon as i woke up and while he was still asleep, but then i realized i didn't have my car and my phone was about near dead because it hadn't been charged overnight. He woke up and i asked him where my panties were and where his clothes were (as he was completely naked) and he asked me if i hadn't remembered what happened last night. I said "barely". But the next thing he said was "we have to go to CVS and get you PlanB..." i couldn't believe it. I felt horrible! I was thinking how and why, because i don't remember having sex. And i was mad that he didn't wear protection because he could have had a disease and i didn't know. When i had mentioned to him that i was going to leave while he was still asleep but i don't have my car, he said "ah huh, you can't leave" in a joking way. The last time i spent the night at his place, i left as soon as i woke up and while he was still asleep. So maybe that's why he made sure i didn't have my car this time, who knows. When i spent the night at his place before,  i was not this drunk and we didn't have sex but we did fool around. I do remember telling him last night when he kept asking repeatedly that i wasn't sure i wanted to go back to his place afterwards and then when we were getting ready to head home i said i wanted him to take me back to my car to go home but he insisted that i go back to his place. And the fact that i had hung out with him twice before and that we chat all the time made me not feel bad enough to tell my friends to take me home. They would have gladly taken me home had i alerted them to any problems but i did not think things were going to go down the way that they did. So as i was sitting up trying to make sense of what happened, it dawned on me that my back door was pretty sore which means that something happened back there. I remember him asking me last time we hung out if i had ever tried anal before and i told him yes but i'm not interested in doing it going forward as it was too uncomfortable. So it occured to me that he may have been trying to do so while i was asleep. We had sex again before we headed out and as i'm laying there, i'm thinking to myself how did we get to this point where we are having sex so nonchalantly. For all i know, this is the first time. But the way he was handling it, it felt like we had done this a thousand times already. We went to CVS, i took the plan b, we hung out for a little bit after he took me to my car and i walked around with sunglasses on because my head was still spinning and the sunlight was killing me. I was still kinda out of it. It wasn't until i woke up this morning that i felt bad, i started thinking about the fact that i could have been pregnant had i not taken this plan b and that i had sex with a guy while i was barely consious. I feel so horrible and taken advantage of. I keep wondering if it was my fault for not taking better precautions and being too nice. i feel bad that i let it go that far, especially when i saw the warning signs when i was sober. Am i making a bigger deal about this than it really is (especially since i still hung out with him for a little bit after the fact and had sex again yesterday), or am i right to feel this way? Should i say anything to him or just let it go and do better next time?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 11:16am

Good job, Donna.  I'm glad you told him how you feel.  I also feel that you shouldn't date him again.  A nice guy doesn't pressure women to drink or to do things that she doesn't want to do--he was not concerned for your welfare.  It's also possible that when he's not drunk he is a very nice guy and just does things that are inappropriate when he has too much to drink.  so another good thing to do would be to try to stay away from men who drink too much and can't control their behavior.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 6:46pm

Update: i decided to go to the dr yesterday to get tested. It's too early for any signs of an STD to show up according to the dr, but i will follow up in a few days and get tested. I got tested for HIV and thank god it came back negative. As far as having him around my son, was never a thought in my mind. I don't expose guys i date to my son. it has happened once and that was not planned. I spoke with the police and decided that i did not want to prosecute. Sending someone to prision is a serious thing and i just could not bring myself to do it. It came down to whether i felt a crime was committed on me and i said "no, i just feel taken advantage of". I decided to talk to him instead and see if he had any remorse or anything and then if not, i would go ahead with the prosecution. He was very apologetic and remorseful. He sounded very upset that he let this happen and i told him that i was glad that he felt bad because he should and i laid it on thick. I expressed how i felt and he asked if i felt like he took advantage of me to which i replied "yes". I feel like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders and i do feel a sense of closure. He repeatedly asked if there was anything he could do and that he felt so horrible that i now feel this way about him and that he had no idea i had a problem with anything to which i then brought up all the things that i said i didn't want to do before i was intoxicated. I agree that i wasn't in a position to drive, however i would have rather he either called me a cab or if he took me to his place just let me sleep and not taken advantage of me. He claims he didn't know i was out of it but i asked if he knew that i was totally alert and into it. Which he replied no, so that makes it not ok. I am taking control over my drinking habits and will only allow myself either 2 beers max or one non beer alcoholic beverage if i am out. In home, of course i can drink all i want lol. But no more irresponsibility like this again. He did ask if i wanted to continue talking to him and i told him i would contact him if i did, but otherwise i didn't want him contacting me. In the back of my mind, i do feel a little sad because one of my friends kept mentioning how he truely seems like a nice guy who really likes me and that just messed up and was an idiot. But at the same time, part of me really dislikes him for doing what he did and messing things up. Maybe that's my compassionate side but right now i need my space from him period. I am going to look for local rape counseling programs to help give me more insight into protecting myself more in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 11:11am

I understand that you have a lot of confusion right now.  I would look in the phone book & see if there is a rape counseling center near where you live.  I am not suggesting that you prosecute him because I think it would be difficult.  Now that you hae gone through this unpleasant experience, yes, you should change your behavior in the future.  It's not that I don't think you were a victim, because you were, but like everything else, you want to act in a way that you don't make yourself a crime victim.  For ex, if you take money out of the bank, you wouldn't go around flashing a big wad of cash in a bad neighborhood because you don't want to get robbed, you don't walk around alone late at night, you try to park in a safe place.  so you also have to protect yourself when you are out with someone you don't really know that well.  If you know that your tolerance for drinking is 2 drinks, then that's all you have.  You need to be stronger about saying no and not care about whether the guy likes that or not.  You can certainly tell what someone's character is like if he gets mad if you stand up for yourself.  If you don't like tequila, then you say, no, I don't like it or I don't drink shots.  That should be the end of the story.  He was pushing the drinks on you, you didn't want to do it, but then you just gave in.  The same with going back to his place--if you don't want to do it, then dont' say "maybe" just to shut him up, you say "no, I'm not going back to your place and I'm going to drive my own car, so I'm not going to drink too much because then I won't be able to drive."  This guy was definitely bad news and knew exactly what he was doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 9:55am

"I keep wondering if it was my fault for not taking better precautions and being too nice. i feel bad that i let it go that far, especially " when i saw the warning signs when i was sober. Am i making a bigger deal about this than it really is (especially since i still hung out with him for a little bit after the fact and had sex again yesterday), or am i right to feel this way? Should i say anything to him or just let it go and do better next time?"

This.  Is INSANITY.  No, you did not over-react.  As other PP suggested, you under-reacted.  Why on earth would you want to hang out with and HAVE SEX A SECOND TIME with your rapist?!!  I recall from other posts that you are a mother.  If you want to live a completely messed up life, fine, I just hope that you keep this man away from your kids.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 8:16am
If you were so drunk that you don't remember, you could not consent. Without consent, that's rape. There are some guys who are really good at convincing us they are good guys or it's our fault when it's not. I'd be far more upset than you seem to be right now.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 11:01pm

 Hi I have a slightly different tact on this.  One thing i strongly suggest not drinking,ever.  If you are having blackout episodes that is a strong warning sign.  Some people cannot drink and sometimes it will come on a person with out warning, but it never gets better.  It is fortunate that you did not drive on that night. 

   2nd when people "black out" they become someone else.   They have conversations,say and do what they would not do otherwise ,but in the morning they do not remember what they did or said.  IMO you  have mixed feelings about this man.   But your confusion is understandable. 

P.S.  If you drink again never ever mix drinks.  That is a sure case of trouble.

   Something else I am picking up is that there seems to be a drift of self like you are not centered. 

  You are an adult and  are responsible for yourself.  If you do not want a drink then open your mouth and say so.  Or just place you hand over the glass.  Drinking or not you are still responsible for your self.  

Goldfish

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 10:48pm

 Hi I have a slightly different tact on this.  One thing i strongly suggest not drinking,ever.  If you are having blackout episodes that is a strong warning sign.  Some people cannot drink and sometimes it will come on a person with out warning, but it never gets better.  It is fortunate that you did not drive on that night. 

   2nd when people "black out" they become someone else.   They have conversations,say and do what they would not do otherwise ,but in the morning they do not remember what they did or said.  IMO you  have mixed feelings about this man.   But your confusion is understandable. 

   Something else I am picking up is that there seems to be a drift of self like you are not centered. 

  You are an adult and  are responsible for yourself.  If you do not want a drink then open your mouth and say so.  Or just place you hand over the glass.  Drinking or not you are still responsible for your self.  

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 8:48pm
Donna, walk away from this guy... that was legally rape. Do not feel to down on yourself to not recognize how wrong what he did was. Getting you drunk was on purpose. trying anal on you despite your previous objections was on purpose. As a man, even when I was happily married to a very sensual woman, I would never do anything if she was passed out...that is a violation...and you stick around, you may go through something like it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 7:42pm

I agree music, but i do feel deflated, dissapointed, and disgusted that i allowed this to happen to myself. I usually have control over what i do and i have avoided his advances before. So, to allow this to happen is very dibilitating. This was my 3rd time with him so i wasn't expecting it. But at the same time, i did suspect he was up to something and even commented on it. He said he wasn't purposely trying to get me drunk but i thought otherwise. We were on a date earlier that night and he invited me back to his place yet again. I told him "maybe" just so he would stop asking but didn't have an intention on going. I should not have done that and instead said "no" like i did before. I said that i wanted to go to another spot where i was familar with the people and knew my friends would go to be instead but i messed up by riding there with him. I was planning on going there, having a few drinks and then getting a ride back to my car afterwards. I even ate twice while we were out in order to avoid getting wasted while i was with him. I really tried my hardest to not get too drunk. But when he started buying me shots and insisting that i try some new stuff, that's when things went downhill. He has been trying to get me to try Tequila shots since our second date and i kept telling him that i didn't want to because i don't like it. I even asked him why he wanted me to try tequila so badly. I finally just tried it not expecting to get too drunk. But i think a combination of all the drinks that i had never tried before messed me up. He knew what they were, i didn't. The next morning having sex with him was wierd. I just laid there and he did his thing real quick while i lay there trying to piece everything together and think straight. I was still a little out of it and my head was spinning because i didn't have enough water. And i hung out with him without even thinking about what happened the night before. I feel really violated, and i told him i wasn't into anal. So to wake up feeling like i did in my back door means he did not respect what i said. I have got my life together so much in the past few yrs, i am a single mom, and have a good job. To let this happen to myself is horrible. I was just talking to my girlfriend that same night about how i wasn't interested in anything serious with him because he's a big kid who is all about partying and hanging out with his friends with no goals or aspirations. I don't want that! But i figured i would just hang out with him as a friend. All he was focused on was sex apparently. And now i can'y do anything about it because all of this didn't dawn on me until this morning.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 10-27-2013 - 7:35pm

I would go get tested and have a serious face to face with this guy.  I would probably also consult your friends who were there.  Never drink on an empty stomach.  For every drink, drink at least one glass of water.  Try to limit yourself to one alcoholic beverage per hour and nosh on something throughout the evening.  I realize that this is no walk in the park as far as what lines this guy may have crossed (or not) but if you can imagine, it could have been a lot worse if you'd driven home.  You could have been arrested, hurt yourself, or hurt someone else.   

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