Must Love Dogs

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Must Love Dogs
21
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:31pm

I just rented "Must Love Dogs" and what struck me was how John Cusack told Diane Lane on their second date that he wanted to cut out the small talk and to get to the heart of things. I realized that on my dates that is what I have done (I'm 52) and seemed to have scared most of my dates away doing that. I sense that even though women profess wanting an intimate relationship that they need to do that in steps, gradually. I come open, honest, direct and that seems to scare women.

I am curious what have been your experiencs and/or how would you respond to the John Cusack approach? BTW on these dates have been after we review each other's match.com profiles and have talked on the phone.

Mark

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:38am

My theory that what she/me shares will come out whether on the first date or six months to a year into the relationship. My take is that it is better that whatever it is we share better comes out earlier than later before either of us gets too invested in each other. Or is it that once I "hook" the woman by NOT revealing who I am then I stand a better chance she will stay with me?

Mark

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:50pm

I really don't like this implication that those of us who take some TIME to reveal ourselves completely to someone new are somehow dishonest and "BS"-ers.

I am not "pretending" to be anyone other than who I am. I *am* open, honest and direct with people I know well...but I am not immediately and completely open to strangers.

It's great that you have the ability to open up right away, and prize it in others...but please don't judge those of us who take some time to do so.

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:59pm

Sheri,
If you were responding to my post then it was not my implication at all. I theorizing on the timing of revelation, i.e. if s/he revealed earlier then later then would it have saved both parties some heartache?

Mark

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Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 1:05pm

***I really don't like this implication that those of us who take some TIME to reveal ourselves completely to someone new are somehow dishonest and "BS"-ers.***

I'll second that emotion.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 1:13pm

Hi Mark, no, I was responding directly to Pam's post.

As for your point, if someone is *hiding* something, that's one thing...but if they are merely taking time to get comfortable with me, I can wait. That's one reason I don't agree to date anyone exclusively and don't get physical until we've been dating for at least 6-8 weeks...so that I have time to get to know him (and vice versa) before I let myself get emotionally involved.

Besides, even if someone tells you a bunch of stuff on, say, the 2nd date, you don't know them well enough at that pont to know whether they are telling the truth or not. They could be like my ex...disclosing a bunch of stuff early on to *seem* sensitive, caring and deep...but it's really an act to hook women in.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 1:20pm

I definitely agree on that last point, Sheri.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:36pm
Sheri and Jules apparently you need to reread my post. I said I do not BS people. I have run into MEN who told me a lot of BS and by that I mean lies and half truths. I am not saying I reveal my deepest darkest secrets. Where do you find that in my post. Before you decide to go off om me I suggest that you read more carefully. I was posting to Mark and agreeing with him as to his way of handling things. I never said that a different way was wrong. Everyone else seems to be ganging up on me and Mark for thinking differently. To each his own and stop judging me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 5:33pm
Yes, here is the important difference - between not baring one's soul and not hiding important things or lying. Unlike Sheri, I have been stupid enough to get physical too early on and have been deceived many times. If I was as smart as her (and I don't even have youth to defend my lack of judgement and impulsiveness) and waited those crucial weeks then these lying assholes would show their true colours and have long since disappeared as they were only after one thing. I prefer not to get too intense too quickly but I think it's as well to know if the man is a player or sincere. But players usually show their hands early on.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 6:28pm

I did re-read your posts, actually, a number of times. I felt you were judging those of us who don't open up on a 2nd date by using loaded words such as BS to describe those who are not like you. I "heard" an implication that apparently wasn't there; sorry!

It was not my intent to "go off" on you. My point was that different approaches can still be honest and open, which your post didn't seem to leave room for.

In any event, Mark and I know each other; he knows I'm not judging him, just giving him my honest opinion and feedback.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 10:06pm

I usually enjoy your posts and was hurt by the last one as I felt you were attacking me. Let me explain what I was trying to say originally. I did not mean to imply that what someone else does is wrong. I don't think you need to change your approach. I disagree with those who were saying Mark was wrong. I was simply trying to agree with Mark. I have a similar attitude and feel that works for me. I would like to find someone who shares my attitude b/c I think we might be compatible. I think the same is true for you. Someone who shares your basic values, beliefs, attitudes will be more compatible than someone who does not. I want to know if there are dealbreakers up front. That's what I was referring to. I don't need to know everything in the first couple of dates just the important stuff.

Before I met my exhusband I would guys I met that I was a single mom. I got it out of the way on the first date or if I met them in a bar before I gave my phone number. For many men in their twenties this was a dealbreaker and I did not want them wasting my time. That's the kind of stuff I was referring to. Does that make more sense? Unfortunately some of the men I met did not show me the same courtesy. That's who I was talking about when I mentioned BSers, not you. Sorry if my post was not clear enough.