My baggage rears its ugly head!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
My baggage rears its ugly head!!!!
5
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:35am

Hi everybody!

I haven't posted here before, but i have read the advice given on this board and found it really helpful! So, I would really appreciate your take on this.

OK, so I thought that I can manage my former relationhips baggage; I thought that it was tightly packed in carry-on with wheels, so I could safely drag it along and not let it weigh on me in crucial moments of potential relationship decision making. Boy, was I wrong! Now it feels more like I am dragging along two huge, trunk-size suitcases and I can never make it to this flight… Here is what I am talking about.

(If you need the background: I Am 33; after braking up with a boyfriend of almost 8 years (my only LTR) have been doing OLD for 14 mo now, out of them was in 6 mo relationship with a man whom I met on Yahoo – one day he told me that “we both agreed we didn’t want a relationship” and he thought we had agreed on this during what I thought was our exclusivity talk; needless to say we broke up right then and there. On the other hand, I spent enough time getting over them, I think ; did my counseling…I am not bitter, I don’t think they are some monsters,, etc.; my friends think I am in a good place now to date..)

Met a guy on e-harmony a month ago; find him sexy (so much so in fact that I thought he was out of my league and was surprised when he initiated contact), his profile really spoke to me on so many levels; he seems to be reliable (calls when he says he will, now he calls me almost every day), fun to be around, has the wicked and witty sense of humor I absolutely adore, took me out on two dates (tomorrow is the third) follows up, complements me on my appearance, wants to take me out even more (I have been the one with the busy social life, hence the 3 dates in three wekks thing); no red flags whatsoever (very rare in my experience; I always have at least 3-4 of thesse to monitor when I go out with somebody).

I have good time when we go out, but I am just afraid to open up to him. We have had two very good, deep conversations (one on date 2, one last night over the phone): not simply the “interview thing” about past relationships, although we did that too (he initiated it both times), but the type of sharing that I know is important (talking about childhood dreams, relationships with siblings and parents, etc.) I felt really comfortable, the glimpse I got of him (character and personality wise) I really like, and yet, I am not feeling “the special connection” that I usually do when I start to like somebody as a person (obviously physically I find him attractive already).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not expecting fireworks, but I am confused about my own emotional response in this case: if this happened just 6 mo ago, I would have been smitten by him, but now, it seems to me, I feel nothing… He and I seem to have so much in common, plus, he seems to be serious about wanting a relationship. We define chemistry similarly, he told me that : “besides the physical attraction, once I get a feeling of how good of a person she is, I feel even more attracted”. Earlier in my life, that line alone would have completely won me, not so now. I can see how my problem is that I had misdjudged both my exes and was left with the feeling that I had invested so much time, love and energy in strangers (very painful feeling). I also realized that the fact that , if we were both shy as kids, or had difficult relationships with our mothers and yet managed to mend them later in life is no guarantee that we can work together as a couple (I erroneously believed that) .

My concern is that while I am not consciously equating him with my exes, sitting there going: “oh, my ex would also say these things, and then it turned out that he is… fill in the blank with some horrible character flaw here ;)) , deep down there I am afraid to trust him, trust him even with my feelings of liking, if you wish. On the other hand, I like the fact that I am not infatuated with him: that will help me figure out if we really are a good match. But again, I don’t want to be cold emotionally, it makes me feel dead, and it also scares me a little: what if I squander a good opportunity for a potentially harmonious relationship because I act distant (I really would hate to scare him away). Oh, also, please understand that I am not desperate to just be in any relationship, I really like him – he is the first man I met, in the last 8 mo, that I can relate to, and I see no red flags (I’ve met guys I liked but they would be either workaholic, insecure, jealous, or have a number of emotional health issues; or we’ll have nothing in common value and communication wise)

Please help: how do I separate the wheat of lessons learnt from the chaff of baggage?
And I apologize for this beghemot of a post, really!!!!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:34am

I don't think how you're feeling is bad at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:18pm

as for letting yourself fall for him, that will come with time when you feel you can trust him 100% and when your own heart is ready to let love in. maybe you just need some time to re-pack your baggage and fix the squeaky wheel, or maybe there is something about him you just can't figure out, but unconsciously knows that it spells trouble.

in either case, don't stop seeing him. if you feel that there is a strong potential, make a point of meeting your guy in different social settings. One good example would be to introduce him to your best (and most honest) friend. Then you get to see how he interacts with others, and get your friend's valuable opinion on him. Also try to meet his female friends/ coworkers and get them to talk about him to you. If he truly is a great single guy just looking for a great single girl, then they are sure to talk about him in a very positive light.

considering it has only been three weeks, you still have time to get to know the guy better before making your choice.

good luck, hun. all the best.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:00pm
I agree...give it time. I don't see this as baggage at all! I think what you're going through is perfectly normal. Online dating can be a little stressful, especially once you've been out with a bunch of losers. And also remember online dating doesn't allow you to develop a crush on somone like you would if it was a co-worker or the guy at the coffee shop. That develops as you talk more and then WISH to talk more. Don't feel like you have to be an open book and let all your feelings out with him. It's dating, not "My life in 4 nights". This takes time...I'd say if in the next couple weeks you aren't looking forward to going out again or waiting for his call maybe let him go. You may just not be ready to date again...an 8 year relationship is a long time and dating a lot can drain you!
Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 3:52pm
Oh! I saw my relationship baggage a few weeks ago at Walmart. He was stuck with his mother, shopping in the produce section (he hates healthy food), looking like the canary that the cat ate...and threw up! I didn't act spiteful at all. I was friendly and cheerful. He was defensive and quiet. Oh well. It's better than his usually "loud and pushy" or "whiny and dull". I'm so glad that I'm single. That being said, I think I'm still carrying around some of that baggage. At least it's helping me in a positive way (along with the host of negatives, that is). I'm going to be extra-picky in choosing a mate...well, extra conpared to the way I had been. It'll be easy too, since I really don't even want to start dating anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 2:28pm

Thanks, so much, spanish_lace!

Your advice, I think, I'll use in the future as well.

I still don't know what to do about this guy (by now, it's been a month and 5 dates total; we've been talking on the phone every day for the last two weeks). But may be you are right, may be there is soemthing about him that I can't put my finger on, but I know it's not gonna work for me... You know what is sad: not that he is some kind of evil monster, but that just the way we communicate, or fail to do so, does not bode well for this potential relationship. Yes, he seems like a good guy, who is out there to find a good gal, but he just annoys the hell out of me lately, when he asks all these deep, personal questions and then: 1/ i answer and he is completely silent (not even a sound comes out of him, not even a sympathetic, "Oh, gosh, this must have been difficult for you!" (he asked me, and I was telling him about my mother having died of cancer), no response; after which he moves on to another deep personal question -- this makes me feel I am just giving a series of monolgues!!! You don't need to have a boyfriend to do that, for god's sake!!!! or 2/ I am talking, at his request, about something, and he dozes off, as we are cuddling on the couch -- this last thing just annoys the heck out of me (I wouldn't have felt offended if it was me chatting, but no, he would be the one asking all these questions and dozing off while lsitening to my answers?!!!

I do understand that these are differences in comunication patterns/styles, but the thing is I know I'll feel lonely in a relationship with somebody like him (even if he means well)

Well, I guess I am just venting... ut thanks for your advice, anyhow. As for this guy, I think I'll have to break it off! (still not sure though)