My dating pool is empty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My dating pool is empty
13
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:21pm

I've been divorced for 2 years, and I just turned 29 on Sunday. I'm feeling that I'm doomed, to be quite honest with you. I have tried damn near every which way to date, and am coming up with duds in every bucket.

I've tried online dating, from match.com, yahoo personals, craigslist, plenty of fish, and myspace. I've tried meeting guys through work, both as co-workers and as customers. I've let every one of my friends know that I am, indeed, available, and wouldn't say no to a fix up (no takers).

I'm not religious, so church is out of the question, and I'm not into any sorts of clubs/sports things at all, so joining one would be for the sole purpose of hooking up, and I don't think that's an honest way to start a relationship. And I despise going to bars, because I really don't want a guy who, well, hangs out in bars.

I live in a large city, so it's not like it was when I lived in my smaller hometown and was in college, and could find no shortage of guys to date.

I just feel like I'm at the end of the dating road. I have no idea where else to look. I'm not looking forward to another single summer.

Any suggestions?

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:28pm

How long did it you try online dating?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:25am

I am always amazed by the smiles I get at grocery stores, Blockbuster, etc. I often wonder what would happen if I was more aggressive. I haven't been, but I do wonder. I have left my card on a cute guys table who was checking me out, but I think that's different. I think they "may" be looking for other things. I wouldn't know, because even though I usually got a phone call out of it, it never lead to an actual date.

Try being a little more assertive, just don't appear desperate. I know, it's a thin line, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:13am

I hate to say this, because I know how frustrating it can be, but there is really no other magical way to meet people other than just living life and being out and about, and doing all those things you said you've already tried or don't want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:55pm

:::big sigh::: I know, I know...

The problem is, I'm so frustrated because all of my friends are in relationships, and none of them really like to go to bars or clubs, etc., either, so now not only am I stuck with trying to meet new guys, but trying to meet new friends, too, in order to try to go find new guys! I never realized how hard it would be to meet ANYBODY that you really clicked with the older you get...

I just wish I was into something where I could join a club or some such thing...but I'm a homebody...I prefer to stay home and read, or hang out on my patio...I've never been much of one for socializing, especially by myself...

:-(

I'm definately feeling like the old maid...even my 25 year old friends are married with kids!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:05pm

Well, in that case, I'd say at least keep up with the online dating.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:15pm

See the post I started about "Social Circles Closed?" I totally relate. And I'm 52. I was married at 29, then divorced at 34 and have not had a relationship since then. I have dated some, but nothing ever developed into what I'd call a relationship.

I think it does become much harder to meet men or friends the older you get, especially when your friends start having children. Your lives become so radically different, that you really won't see them anymore. I would have thought that for me, by now with my friends' children in college, that things would have changed...but it hasn't.

Like you, I'm not a big joiner, and I feel uncomfortable joining things that I really have no big interest in. Many of the things that I like to do just don't have clubs. I work very hard at finding activities to go to alone (since I have really no available friends right now), such as gallery openings and professional events. As to bars, have you tried wine tasting night at a nice wine bar? It can be a much nicer scene, generally attracts a more sophisticated crowd, and I even go by myself. I find that when I get out of the house more I feel better about it all.

But none of this really addresses that worn-out, discouraged feeling one gets from "trying this" and "trying that." It's so tiring and disappointing. Not to mention when well-meaning people give you advice about how to meet men. "Oh, she doesn't have a man in her life...she must just be out of ideas..." 29 sounds young to me. If there's something big you want to do in your life like go back to school, change careers or move across the country, now is the time.

I have no real advice about what to do to meet men. If I knew, I'd let you in on the secret. Like the other posters have said, you just have to keep on keeping on and live life. I think that sometimes you can try so hard you wear yourself out. BTW, I really, really hated online dating. Just awkward, disappointing meetings where nothing clicked. This is not to say you can't meet someone that way: I've never personally known anyone who did, but I certainly hear about it. I can't imagine doing it for four years though. I just couldn't.

All the best. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:13pm
It sounds like you've been doing all the right things and I hear the frustration in your posts. You have been getting yourself out there and for that you should feel proud even though you haven't YET reaped the rewards of your efforts.
One thing I would suggest as well is to go do things you like to do, join clubs, take a dance class, guitare class, pottery class, whatever floats your boat. I agree if you don't like sports then it's pointless to go out and pretend just for the sake of meeting someone. But you have to go do things you enjoy without the expectation of meeting someone which is tough a lot of the times, but even if you don't, then you are doing something that makes you happy.
The only advice that I have for you, which I'm not sure helps, is to just perservere and keep getting out there and trying because if this is an important thing to you and when you keep on going and trying, eventually you will find that person. I think more power in numbers and variation of places you go to and people you know. You are doing great and doing the right thing, just keep going and it is bound to happen. Maybe not in the timeline you would like it to but if you keep the faith then it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 8:18pm
Also to add even if you feel old at 29 you are not, you are still young. Sometimes it seems to feel that way when others around you are so young and having families. Heck my sister is younger than me and is probably going to get pregnant with her 2nd child soon. It is good to meet some single women friends too so that you have a comradrie. I have plenty of single friends who are in their early 30s and single so 29 is not old at all.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:13pm
You aren't alone, I tend to prefer to stay in as well. I'm too content sometimes I suppose. I'll go out and do fun things with my nieces, LOL, but when my adult friends want to meet up downtown, I can usually find an excuse to just stay home!? I don't know why I'm like that . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 5:41pm

Hi,

I haven't been on a date for nearly 5 months. I've tried everything too: dating service back in the day, online, work, athletic clubs.

At this time I'm not very motivated to get out and meet men for many of the reasons you cited. It's just been so damn frustrating. However, if it's a desire of yours why not try athletic club even when you're not there to hike or play volleyball. They do get together for picnics and social events. You said you're not religious but are you even spiritual? If you are, there are all kinds of organizations you can join to address that need w/o being religious. I never thought I would look for men at churches. Like you, I'm not goody-2-shoe-bibble-thumber kind of gal but have always been interested in enriching my spiritual life. THen I became very attracted to a very cool man at work- the kind you wouldn't expect to meet a church - BUT he goes to a "church" that is catered to more of the spiritual type. NOw I go there often. My relationship with him hasn't developed beyond professional, but I cited it here just to show that you shouldn't close off your options based on preconceived notions. There are cool men at church even though I didn't think so.

Anyway, at this time, I try to make myself look good when I am out and about. Not very often, I usually don't wear any makeup. But you just never know. Another thing is you have to think about stepping out of your shell. I happened upon a poem about risks and I'm trying to apply it to my own life. Certainly you can make an effort to smile or talk to an attractive man at starbucks or at the bookstore, or wherever. I do little things, like making eye contact, smile. YOu don't have to come up with a clever line or anything but be prepared for those chance encounters. Like I said, I've pretty much giving up on purposely looking for love but I try to take little steps to prepare myself for it should it pop up.

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