Is my girlfriend coming on to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Is my girlfriend coming on to me?
5
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:44pm

I have a little dilemna for you to help me solve.

Last week my friend (we will call her friend A) and I were trying to get to a movie but we didn't get there on time. SO she suggested a beer and snacks at Boston Pizza. We went over there....We are at the table, talking and she kept elluding (I hope I have spelt that right) that we were on a date. At first I thought it was all jokes and laughed. But later she would try to reach out for my hand and I would pull away and she would start laughing. But then later she asked me if I would look at her boobs. I was like what?!! No! She says "but you are a nurse can't you look at them and tell me if they look okay." I said "I am not a nurse yet and even if I was I wouldn't under any circumstances look at your boobs." She was concerned that they were mishapen but I commented that it could be cause she lost a lot of weight. And when you loose weight you loose it from everywhere. But if you are that worried you should go see your doctor. But she wouldn't let it go and it was really starting to freak me out. All I could think is next she is going to ask me to squeeze them. I asked the waiter for the cheque WE each paid our share and I took her home. It's all I could think about all the way to her house and then all the way home. But I don't really know how to take that. I have never had any of my friends ask me to look at their boobs before. And the week before she kind of went off on me that I like friend B more than her. And that I always want to spend time with friend B and have fun with her but Friend A and I don't do anything fun. (I wanted to say to her because you cancel any ideas of fun we plan to do or want to leave when ever everyone else is having a good time.)

My sister suggested perhaps she is a lesbian and is in love with me. But she knows I am not gay, especially since I was telling her, how frustrated I was getting with the girl from work who kept coming on to me and ignoring my saying no. She was the one that said I should be charging the girl with sexual harassment. Now she wants me to look at her boobs. But then on the other hand she is always asking me to go to these singles parties with her and speed dating. (Which I am not ready to go to yet. I am not even sure about the whole online dating thing but one of my friends from work told me I should at least give it a try. I guess I just want to meet someone the "old fashion way" by which I mean without technology. but this is a whole other issue) And now as I write this she is asking me about going out this weekend. Honestly if I wasn't already working and studying this weekend and going out with my mom I would still be saying I can't. I just feel scarred by the whole experience. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:08pm
Hmmmm. By just reading what you wrote, I would say there is not enough evidence to charge this girl with coming onto you. Is it strange? Absolutely. But simply assuming she is gay and coming onto you is a little rash. It sounds like she NEEDS attention from you and is going about it very wrong, not realizing how it is making her look and you feel. Take some time and brush it off. Have you thought about telling her she made you feel weird. Just a thought.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:12pm

Not enough evidence? Grabbing her hand, asking her if she'd like to see her boobs and alluding to their beer and pizza fest as a date would be enough evidence for me!

Kheta, you simply have to tell her (again) that you are not gay, nor will a relationship between the two of you ever be possible. If she doesn't get the message, you may have to steer clear of her for awhile. Some people just can't take no for an answer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:48pm
If it were that obvious, do you think there would be any need for validation? I am sorry, I need more details than just the few points made. Did she ask to show her breast bare or just wanting some validation that they look okay in the top? She did say she had lost weight, maybe she has been feeling self-conscious how she looks?? Did she hold her hand or did she just grab it because she was laughing at a joke. And yes, my friends and I do joke about going on dates with each other as friend dates, because it gets so hard to see each other anymore, we have to schedule each other well in advance. So we joke and call them dates because there is so much planning involved.
I have a friend who always thinks girls are hitting on her and she has not confessed, but she is homophobic. Therefore anything somebody did, like a kiss on the cheek or what not, was somebody hitting on her. Sometimes people are more comfortable with affection than others, too. I would never change in front of my college pals when we lived together. But other girls had no problem running around with their tops off. Also people do things in order to get attention, regardless if it makes sense or not. It does not mean they're gay. Now if it were something as obvious as a kiss and the girl came out and told her how many feelings she had for her, then yes, I would say she was comming onto her. Anything can be conviluded if all the information is not there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:03pm
She definately wanted to take her top off for me to have a look. I don't consider myself homophobic. I am an affectionate person but also a very modest one. I never liked to change in front of my roommate in university but She had no problem whipping things off in front of me or anyone else for that matter. But I don't think asking someone to look at your boobs is a sign of affection between friends. Especially to keep pushing the issue. (And I will say it's totally one thing if everyone is in agreeance.) I guess with this friend I just feel like it seems like one little thing after another. When we were away in Cuba for a week last year or so I would be waking up to her taking pictures of me sleeping. It's just not something I would do or anything my other friends would ever do. Then when we parted ways at the airport she said to me: "When can I expect to hear from you? You are going to call me right." Just the tone she took and the way she said it sounded like we were a couple away on this trip. If we go to the bars or anytime we are in an opportunity to meet some guys she brushes all of them off.
She definately wasn't make a joke and grabing my hand. I know the difference. She definately was trying to hold my hand across the table and she wouldn't let the fact that we were on a date go. We see each other just about once a week. It's not like we made these huge plans and it took all this scheduling to get together. I certainly have joked with girlfriends before that we were on a date because it had been such a long time seeing each other or getting together. Or even when we all happen to be single at the same time. But it's certainly not something that is brought up repeatedly in the tone she did. Her extreme jealousy of when I spend time with other friends. And if I suggest that all of us go out together she never wants to. It's either me alone or we don't get together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:48pm
I hope you know, I was by no means eluding that you were a homophobic. I was just making a point about my friend and her tendancy to confuse affection with somebody who was comming onto her. With everything being stated in more deatil and more instances , she obviously has issues that need to be sorted out. Whether she is gay, which she could be, or not. It sounds now, that her behavior is someting that did not just occured that night, which is kind of frightning. I would evaluate how good a friend you consider her to be and then make a decison whether or not to continue that friendship. If you do, then you need to tell her how her behavior freaks you out and it's not appropriate. Some people have no social skills and just plain act weird. I guess it's my background in psychology and my counseling schooling that makes me not want to jump to a conclusion and judge somebody unfairly. Good luck!