My new approach

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
My new approach
9
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:07pm

After losing the interest of two guys in six months, I decided to try something different. I have been reading Why Men Love _itches. I didn't think I'd agree with it at first, but it does make sense. So no more being nice to guys. No more telling them or showing them that I'm into them. My goal is to always make them wonder if they have me hooked or not. This is going to be tough for me because I'm a nice person in general. I respond to texts right away. I tell a guy when I like him. I tend to be available, and don't pretend that I'm not. It's going to be hard to keep my distance for awhile and keep him guessing. Hopefully it'll work. It feels a little deceptive, but what I've been doing isn't working. The new guy seems super sweet, too. I just met him last week. He's adorable, funny, employed. He's also only 28 and lives 45 minutes away. We'll see how it goes.

****edited to add****

Are you sitting down, ladies??  He just asked me out. Like, an actual date. Not to "hang out". An actual date. I didn't think they did that anymore!  

I'm not sure I know what to do with that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 9:44pm

   I've never read the book so I don't know anything about the logic it presents, but I have to say that none of that would work well on me. Granted - most people don't want someone who'sover-clingy or wants to plan a wedding after two weeks of dating, but I think you have to be careful with how distant you seem. If I get the sense that a woman's not interested in me, I'm done. The last thing I want is to come off as obsessive, continually trying to contact her or set something up. I'm not going to feel like I'm becoming a stalker, so I'll just stop. I need to see that she wants me around. I'd be happy if she texted right back - it would show me that she likes talking to me. And I certainly don't like _itches. With the women I'm involved with, I make it clear that I like having them around, and I expect the same. I've seen the end result when women take me and my decency for granted, and I won't accept that anymore. But hey, I'm single, so maybe that's the cost of not playing the games. I've never seen the point of mind games and appearances. If you like being around someone, I'm not sure why we should have to disguise that fact. I don't know - maybe most guys are looking for someone aloof and detached. Maybe they all like the thrill of the chase, but I don't. I like getting past that part and spending time with someone who makes my life better than it was when they weren't there. 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 10:23pm
That's what most guys will say. They don't like games. Don't want to chase. I'm telling you, it's not what most of them mean. They want a challenge. In fact, right after I met this guy, I was talking to another woman about a guy who keeps chasing her. She didn't get why he wouldn't give up when she behaved disinterested. I told her that if she started showing interest, he'd back off because men like the chase. My new guy agreed with me, as did another one who was sitting there. I also have to add- right after I posted, he asked me out. He's the first guy to ask me on an actual date in about four years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 9:38am

   If so many people have that mentaility of the chase over the catch, I guess it makes sense as to why it's hard for relationships to get going. Once the excitment of the chase is over, it's time to move on to the next one. But if a person undertsands that their partner likes the challenge of the pursuit, then how could they ever feel like they're in a relationship with a possible future? And if a person can't feel that, then what's the point of trying to develop a relationship at all?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 10:16am

I get what you're saying. The thing is, being completely transparent doesnt work. I don't like it when a guy behaves as if he's totally into me right away, either, so why would a guy like it?  It really is more about keeping him on his toes, speaking up when I would normally keep quiet, and holding back a little bit of enthusiasm to keep the excitement. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 11:10am

Congrats on your date. I let it slip in class the other day that I hadn't been in a relationship in ten years. You should have seen the look on my classmates face. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I wished I hadn't shared. Anyway, I know you've had several quasi-dates but you derserve a bonafide one. I hope he knocks it out of the ball park, pulls out all the stops, etc. Have fun :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 11:32am

I don't think the point of that book was that you shouldn't be nice.  The author didn't literally mean that you should be a b-tch.  I think (from my skimming of the book quickly in a store) is that the woman shouldn't act like she is going to give up her whole life for a guy and bend over backward to do whatever he wants, which I think a lot of women do.  In my younger days, for example, if I liked someone and thought he might ask me out, I would hold off on making any plans for the weekend and just hope he would call--then the weekend would come and if he didn't call, then I'd be staying home cause I wouldn't have called any girlfriends.  What the book says is that you have to actually have a life--you aren't pretending you aren't available if the guy calls on a Friday night to go out the next day (or even worse wants you to go out that night)--it's because you have a life and actually have plans.  Now I would just make plans and I'm going out and having fun.  If a guy doesn't work out, I'm never sitting home.  If the guy knows that you are busy and doing fun things--it's not about being a B, it's that he knows that if he wants to spend time with you, he will actually have to plan a date in advance and not being someone who takes you for granted--and you (not that you would do this) won't end up being one of those dumb girls who succumbs to the guy who calls late at night after he's been out at the bar with friends and just wants a booty call--and then the girl goes and wonders why he never takes her out on a real date.

As far as telling your feelings, well I do think that you have to show them somewhat that you are into them, otherwise as the other poster said, after a while the guy is just going to get tired and give up.  I think you do that not so much by telling the person your feelings right away, but you do have to act like you are having fun while on the date and you enjoy the guy's company--if you acted bored and disinterested, then really why would the guy ask you out again?  I do also feel that after a few dates, if things are meant to be, they just naturally evolve.  I mean, I've been married twice and with both of those men, I can't remember doing any kind of scheming like this--it was just obvious right from the start that we were both interested and we just kept spending more time together.

Good luck with the dating.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 1:07pm

I agree that she doesn't literally mean to be a witch. I do think that the things you mentioned are what some women would consider being "nice". Being accommodating is something I think we are conditioned to do, and we really shouldn't. This guy does know I'm interested, but he doesn't know that I can't wait to see him Thursday. When I think back to my longest adult relationship, it was one where I wasn't too sure of him. I was constantly debating breaking up. It wasn't a healthy relationship at all, but I do think that he knew he didn't quite have me "caught" and that's what kept him interested. Of course, there comes a point when you have to be open about your feelings, but she talks about creating distance, even if you're married. Men get lazy. It's all about keeping them on their toes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 4:32pm

   It all sounds like a delicate balancing act between showing interest but not showing too much interest. I have no doubt that I've messed up the balance countless times. Regardless, as long as both people are playing by the same dynamics when the relationship is starting out, I suppose it works out. It's strange how much of our lives involve hiding or disguising our actual thoughts and feelings. It's ironic that there's so much game-playing and plotting as we each try to build what would theoretically be the most important relationship of our life. I guess divorces/ break ups often come when one person simply doesn't have the energy or desire to pretend any longer and the real personality comes out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 8:24pm

I also think a lot of breakups occur when people take each other for granted and stop putting in an effort.  Like before we got married my exH used to buy me flowers & cards all the time for no occasion--he always said that it wouldn't stop after we got married but it did.  Now I surely didn't expect him to keep sending the expensive flower arrangements that he did before but I even mentioned that he could stop by the grocery store on his way home & get some inexpensive bunch of flowers--it just would have been a nice gesture.  But even after mentioning it, he never did it.  That certainly isn't the reason we got divorced, there were much bigger problems, but it's an example.  Or like women who will make a big effort to dress up for a date and then after they have a guy they are always wearing sweatpants and no makeup.  Maybe if that is the way you really feel comfortable you should just be like that from the start and look for a guy who is happy with a woman who wears sweatpants--it's not like people are going to get really dressed up every day, that would be too much.  But then when they are together and neither one makes any effort, things go downhill.