My Newly Single Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
My Newly Single Friend
12
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 8:55pm

Okay, I decided to write here since this is a singles board to get some feedback about a good friend of mine who is recently going through a divorce after 26 years of marriage.

Here's the deal: My friend "Amy" has only been separated from her soon to be ex-husband for three months and is already having a very serious relationship with a new guy she met named "Dan." I am very happy for "Amy" that she is happy with "Dan" since her marriage has been dead for years but I'm also concerned for her and let her know this. She told me she is being very careful but I can't help wonder what kind of guy starts wanting to get real serious with a lady he knows is just starting divorce proceedings and has been married 26 years.

So, here's my real problem and where I need some honest feedback. I live near the beach and everyone likes to come visit me. Amy had planned on coming to see me ALONE for a week in June, so we could hang out and have fun. I am single and used to be married. Amy talked about bringing Dan to the beach with her and I was honest and told her I really think she needed some time to regroup and she should come see me alone. She agreed and said she would just come alone.

Well, tonight I got an e-mail from her saying Dan is coming to the beach with her and that she promises I won't be a third wheel! I already feel like a third wheel and am going to be extremely uncomfortable meeting Dan, since Amy and I live in different states. Now what was going to be a fun girl's week, has some guy involved.

I am upset right now but keep telling myself Amy is happy and if she wants to bring Dan to the beach, then that's her business. I just think it's weird that he kept on insisting to come to the beach with her.

Am I wrong to feel a little upset and uncomfortable about the fact Dan is coming to the beach with Amy? I already feel like a third wheel and honestly am dreading them coming now, which I hate because Amy and I have always been so close and never had any problems.

Sorry this is so long! Thanks!

Michelle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:07pm

Hi,
IMHO if you're clearly uncomfortable with it you should call her up an tell her so. It's your home and if you don't want a strange "new" man coming there, you have every right to make it secure and happy for yourself. Amy needs to understand your pov.

And any way a week apart from a rebound flame is not a bad thing for her to do. And it is a rebound affair, she has to deal with a lot of emotional upheaval in her mind and eventually it's going to come to the surface and affect her new romance, it takes at least a year to fully get over a breakup (esp. such a long term marriage).

Sounds like your original plan would do her the world of good. "Coming to the beach" sounds fun, refreshing, a get away from the every day. Stick to your guns and I'm sure it will work out for the best.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:42pm

I would be straight with her and put it in terms of, you want this to be a girls' week, just the two of you, and if that time frame doesn't work for her to come by herself, perhaps another time would.

In other words, don't make it about her relationship with Dan, make it about your friendship with HER.

And while I wouldn't say anything to her about this, what is UP with her inviting someone along to your HOME without asking you? That's just plain rude.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:01pm
Thanks for the advice! One thing I need to clarify that I didn't: Amy and Dan will be staying in a hotel now that he is in the picture. So, at least Amy did have the decency to get a hotel, since he is coming to the beach with her.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:13pm

Ah, ok, thanks for clarifying. Well, in that case, perhaps you could ask her if the two of you could carve out some alone time together while she's there. I don't think you can avoid at least meeting him without it seeming weird, but you can say something like, I don't want to intrude on your vacation with Dan so why don't we plan to have lunch or do a few things just the two of us while you're here so we can really catch up.

Sheri

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:45pm

It was incredibly insensitive of her to invite him after you hinted that you were not okay with it. Also, if this was planned as a girls weekend, she should have known better in the first place. Are they staying with you? If they are, I would put my foot down and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with a having a total stranger stay at your place. I'm sorry, that's just rude.

However, if they aren't staying with you then you can make up all kinds of excuses why you can't see them as much as you had originally hoped ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 10:58am

Actually I think it's quite rude to invite someone else to your house.

Editing my post because I see now she's staying at a hotel. But I still think it's really rude. It's still insensitive. Basically now she has a new boyfriend, and this weeklong vacation with you, has now become a vacation with her new boyfriend and she'll fit you in when she can.

YUCK!

*sigh*

I'm sorry this must hurt.




Edited 5/2/2007 11:08 am ET by lovinhockey17

Smile,

Deirdre

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:43pm

Your house, your rules. She is a guest. You have the right to have or not have anyone at your home and don't need to justify your decision. You already told her "no" to her bf. It does not matter what you think of her personal life decision when it comes to reasons why she cannot bring her bf. It's your home.

Mark

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:01pm

My friend once told me that she loved sharing time with my then-girlfriend and myself (she is friends and still is friends with her) but sometimes she just wanted one-on-one friend time with me.

I now am sensitized about "sharing" my friends (and children) and make it a point just to spend that time with them alone.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:08pm

Ah man that's crummy! So much for the girl's week! I don't blame you at all for being disappointed and I think you have every right to let her know you're hurt that she couldn't take a week just to come hang with you (like originally planned).

Let us know how things work out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 5:49pm
Sorry to hear that, maybe you should email her back and say you really wanted it to be just the two of you. You could also explain how happy you are that she found someone else but that you still need to have time with just her. I can tell that if it were me in your position I'd be generally pissed off as well.

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