My Newly Single Friend
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| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 8:55pm |
Okay, I decided to write here since this is a singles board to get some feedback about a good friend of mine who is recently going through a divorce after 26 years of marriage.
Here's the deal: My friend "Amy" has only been separated from her soon to be ex-husband for three months and is already having a very serious relationship with a new guy she met named "Dan." I am very happy for "Amy" that she is happy with "Dan" since her marriage has been dead for years but I'm also concerned for her and let her know this. She told me she is being very careful but I can't help wonder what kind of guy starts wanting to get real serious with a lady he knows is just starting divorce proceedings and has been married 26 years.
So, here's my real problem and where I need some honest feedback. I live near the beach and everyone likes to come visit me. Amy had planned on coming to see me ALONE for a week in June, so we could hang out and have fun. I am single and used to be married. Amy talked about bringing Dan to the beach with her and I was honest and told her I really think she needed some time to regroup and she should come see me alone. She agreed and said she would just come alone.
Well, tonight I got an e-mail from her saying Dan is coming to the beach with her and that she promises I won't be a third wheel! I already feel like a third wheel and am going to be extremely uncomfortable meeting Dan, since Amy and I live in different states. Now what was going to be a fun girl's week, has some guy involved.
I am upset right now but keep telling myself Amy is happy and if she wants to bring Dan to the beach, then that's her business. I just think it's weird that he kept on insisting to come to the beach with her.
Am I wrong to feel a little upset and uncomfortable about the fact Dan is coming to the beach with Amy? I already feel like a third wheel and honestly am dreading them coming now, which I hate because Amy and I have always been so close and never had any problems.
Sorry this is so long! Thanks!
Michelle

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Thank you so much everyone for all the great advice and kind words! You all have helped me a lot!
I wrote Amy back today. I decided a solution might be for me to go out of town when she comes to the beach. I told her I'll probably go see family for a few days in another town, while she's at the beach where I live. I explained to her that will give her time alone with her new man and I haven't seen my family in a while anyway. I told when I get back in town, I'll have dinner with her and her boyfriend one night and maybe hang out on the beach with them one day. I let her know other than that, I plan on letting them do their own thing. I will not be the odd man out. Also, me going out of town will cut down on the possible time I have to spend with them.
I am really close to Amy and don't want this to ruin our friendship, so I think me keeping my distance while she and her new man are at the beach will help, since I feel very hurt right now. She has NEVER done anything like this and it really surprised me. Time will tell what happens to our friendship.
I'll get back on here after they come to town and let everyone know how it goes!
Thanks again!
Michelle
I'm so sorry for the disappointment and hurt you must feel.
For what it's worth, she *was* married for 26 years even if the marriage was dead for a while already. Now that she's doing something about that, she's reverted a bit. She's new to what single life is like (spacing off friends in lieu of the bf), she's riding a high with a guy who means a lot to her, likes her for who she is, and she feels giddy for the first time in years. Frankly, there's no reasoning with someone like that just now. :)
The good news is, it shouldn't last long. Unfortunately, it might last past June, but she'll come around and you have a history with her; next year or late this summer might be a good time to reschedule your original "girl time".
You have a great plan to be mostly unavailable while she's in town, but it will also be an excellent opportunity to see for yourself (with clearer vision) if her new guy is worth her time. You might not be able to say much to her just now if he isn't, but you'll get a chance to take his measure -- and she'll need that perspective once she comes back to reality.
Good luck!
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