My Old Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My Old Man
4
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 9:46pm

My sister is 19 and she is in the second year of college. So last night the family was talking about how she can be doing so many things -- studying, working, dancing, watching TV and hanging out .... My father, as if out of pride, said, "That is because she is not dating." Perhaps I am over-sensitive, but his comment annoyed the hell out of me for it reminded me of old Chinese sayings like "Young people should study hard and not date," "Young people do not know what falling in love means," or "There will be plenty of time for dating after you establish yourself."

I can tell, by my strong reactions, that I have not grown out of my problems. Nonetheless, I have to say it is people like my old man who stunned my growth and made me miserable. I do not worry about my sister because she is too smart to listen to such rubbish!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
In reply to: akt226
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:37pm

Hi Akt226,

I can completely identify with father's passing comments without thinking about the ramifications. Mine is exactly like that.

I believe quite the opposite about being young and in love. I say that's the best time in your life to be in love. When you are young you are not jaded, or cynical... you are new and clear minded and open to falling in love. And when it happens it is the greatest thing you have ever experienced and think you ever will.

Yes, studying and intellectual growth are very important. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. But, there is a certain amount of personal and emotional growth that books can't teach you, that falling in love does.

I know that one day I will sit on my porch as the sun is setting on my 80th year, and I will remember how it felt to be so in love I thought my heart would burst. The feeling that I would never be able to breathe again without him. I was 18 years old at the time, and it was the best relationship I have ever had, 14 years later. I loved him well. I loved him completely. He was my Noah.

It made me who I am. It was the defining catalyst in my life that made me, me and placed me exactly where I am today.

Sorry, I have gone off on a tangent it seems. I realised a long time ago that what my father says he never even remembers. How he harmed me emotionally and bound me to "his truth" for far too long. Now, when he utters words that infuriate me, I simply make a choice not to take them on board. When we are children - parents are God's. Over time we learn that they are only human. It took me a while to learn that, but now I have. He is not perfect, nor will he ever be. You can love your father, but hate his behaviour. Whether you listen and believe what he says is up to you.

Remember, you are worthy and of value. You matter and you are unique. Never let anyone tell you different. Follow your heart in all things.

I don't know if this helps any... but good luck.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 9:48am

My father said some pretty hurtful things to me as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:20pm

Unfortunately I have to agree just a tad bit with your old man. To quote a very smart columnist that I frequently read, "Finding a mate for life in college is like buying a wardrobe during a growth spurt. It might still fit, but don't count on it."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:52pm

My sister does not directly challenge my parents but, like I said, she is not going to take crap from any one. Actually she is keeping long-distance with her HS boyfriend. So even though she is not dating per se, she has more on her mind than studying. (How clueless is my father.)

I am 25 and I am still learning how to live a life. When I was in grade school, I was a model student, the smartest kid in my class whom every child, parent and teacher knew. I became so conscious of how I appeared because every one was looking at me. I had to "look good" all the time. I remember that once a teacher pulled me out for talking too much. I cried partly because I was scared and partly because I was trying to look contrite. I was such a sham ....

Then, of course, the model student studies hard, does not date or look at girls lusty, and listen to the "advices" of the elders, the same advices which I now despise bitterly. So you can see, I never grew. I was taught to only listen and put up faces, never to live my own life.