My post meet-up analysis

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
My post meet-up analysis
24
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 1:50pm

Today I am in that place where so many of us are after we first meet someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:12pm

I definitely analyze more now that I'm older. I think that's a combination of past experience that makes you a bit wary and more defined wants and needs when you're looking for a partner. The butterflies don't often happen for me now until a few dates in -- when something clicks and I realize that I might actually like ths guy, as well as being attracted to him.

With this guy - don't write him off for the car. To me, that's actually a good sign that he manages money well -- he COULD afford it, but chooses to be frugal instead. The "going dutch" thing would have annoyed me, though. Did he ask you out? Then he should have assumed from the get-go that he was going to pay.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:53pm

I know it is hard not to over-analyze things, but try not to talk yourself out of anything. You could be reading into all your assumptions.

I like a man to can control his money. I drive a '99 and I love not having any payments and can choose some where else to put my money. I would be more concerned if he was frivolous with his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:18pm

I agree with the other posters...don't write him off because of the car. I drive a 96 and I love not having payments either and it's such a workhorse, I have friends with new cars and tons of problems. Sounds like he's just economical...

I say go out again and if you still don't feel any spark, don't continue. Even if his looks don't spark your heart, at the very least conversation should.

I overanalyze more now too...I know what I want and I know what I don't want. I look for the little signs I used to miss when I was younger. I think it's normal.

On the dutch thing...on one first date the guy told me not to except him to pay for me everytime...I was peeved. However he managed to redeem himself and we were together for the next year and a half. Chalk it up as an awkward moment or oversight on his part and let it fall by the wayside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:26pm

Yeah, I agree with the others on the car thing. I have a 97 and I have not had car payments for the last 5 years and I have been able to save over $10,000. It helps to pay for school. Being debt free is a lot better than driving a new car.

But I tend to analyze dates. Like I wonder did I make the conversation smooth enough, plus I tend to blame myself if it the date doesn't go well. I take full responsibilty. It almost seems like dating is more like a strategy, but I want it to be fun and relaxed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:31pm

Old car means two things to me. Old in years doesnt necessarily mean anything. My boyfriend drives a 1997 which he just bought from his grandma. She was a Florida snowbird so it never spent any time in a real winter with snow and stuff. The car is in dang near perfect condition. Yeah its old in years, but its a good car. When it starts going to crap, then yeah get rid of it.

OLD which is bad is when the thing is falling apart, rusted out and barely running. I had a boyfriend that drove a car like that. It DEFINITELY bothered me because I like things well taken care of and maintained. And it also indicated to me that he was super cheap...which carried into many other aspects of his life.

The dutch thing would have bugged me too, at least for the first date. Once you're in a relationship, going back and forth or going dutch isnt such a big deal as we all know.

I think its good to analyze because I tend to get caught up in the moment when it comes to dating. I'm much more analytical once I get into the relationship and by then...its a big disappointment if we dont match. I feel like its wasted time. So sometimes I wish I was more like you...analytical at the start...but not to the point of detriment.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 5:41pm

I'm not sure exactly how old the car is, but I'm thinking early nineties AND it didn't look like it had been washed or waxed or anything lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 7:16pm

Sounds like this one needs a "wait-and-see" approach. I don't think any of these things are major red flags - yet. The cancelling thing could definitely be a problem if it happens again.

I understand where you're coming from, though. All these little things add up to a feeling that something's a little off. When we first start dating someone, we look for outward physical signs that the person's a loser, will break our heart, will be more work than he/she's worth, etc.

Now, if there are signs that the person will treat you well, be fun and be good for you - that's when you know to stick around. Sometimes those good signs are a little harder to see - so it takes some time.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:13pm

Yep, this one's definitely a wait-and-see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 9:56am

This is a bit of a tangent here...but about the car....everything I have just been through has completely changed my view on cars.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 10:05am

Well, my ex had the most atrocious car ever. This is the guy that I am super close friends with now. He named this huge Oldsmobile (it was gold in color at some point in the 1970s) and refused to part with this car. It was a boat - you could fit 4 people in the back seat with no problems. I finally threw a fit when we were driving in the rain with all of the windows up and there was still somehow rain coming in the passenger side of the car. But he was just really attached to that car. It had been his grandparents and then his parents. He makes six figures and he is not cheap (he recently bought himself a $350,000 duplex), he just does not see the point in investing in a car.

All of that being said, we live in a city and we both take public transportation 90% of the time. So the car is not used often. Additionally, I was friends with him before we dated so I didn't have the shock of seeing that car on a first date. He now has another used family car that he bought from his sister and I hate it too but I just keep my mouth shut because it runs and the passenger seat is dry. And we're not dating so it doesn't really matter to me like it did when we were in a relationship.

I will analyze a date after it's done. I think it is good to do in some sense (as someone said - I think it was Ruby) because it keeps us levelheaded. But, at the same time, I get the impression that you might be doing it this time because you just weren't that impressed with him.

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