My shocking confession

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
My shocking confession
19
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:46pm

I've been dating this guy for about a month or so, although I'm not sure you can really say we are dating. He hasn't kissed me yet, but we do go out and he pays and all of that. He is alwyas the one to make the initiative to call and make plans. I think he's just taking it slow. Anyway, the thorn in my side with dating has always been that I'm broke. And when I say broke I mean living in a bad apartment on the wrong side of town, eating top ramen and mac and cheese and pawning my stuff to pay for rent. I'm going to school and doing things to improve my situation, still, it's embarressing. It isn't that I don't want to pay for dates, I just can't. It's so distressing to have the check come and I can't offer to pay because my checking account is negative. But I also refuse to let my financial situation keep me from living my life. It already interfers enough.

Having said all that, I still feel that it's wrong to let the guy pay all the time without an explanation. But I didn't know how to bring it up, so finally it came up in conversation today and I flat out told him that I'm struggling big time. It worries me because he didn't have a reaction. He just continued with what we were talking about before my confession. Then the conversation lulled and he got off the phone.

Now I'm worried. I'm a single mother, too, so I already have to deal with worrying about all of that and if he'll think I'm looking for a daddy. What if he thinks I'm a golddigger, too? I am so embarressed, but at least now I'll know how he feels about me. If he's "just not that into me" this will make it easy for him to bolt. Besides, the only thing worse than being broke is pretending that I'm not. Now I don't have to pretend that my jeans are ratty because they are "in-style." But "poor single mother with bad credit" is not exactly a prize catch, KWIM??

Ugh I'm so mad at myself. I should have just kept my mouth shut :( He did come right out and ask, but I could have side stepped the answer. Instead I let him see all my dirty laundry. And here I've been proud of myself for staying mysterious...ugh. Looks like another one bites the dust.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:13pm

I'm NOT a single mother, and I have bad credit. Sometimes I struggle more than other times, but boy do I know how it feels to have to eat Ramen noodles. I had a car reposessed last year, I had a checking account closed out because I let it get so negative, I couldn't afford to pay it all back at once, and had to take out a "repayment loan." I won't let myself have a checking account anymore because I'm afraid if times got tough again I'd write out checks to get myself through (just FYI...they weren't "bad" checks - the bank always paid them; it would just leave me in the hole all the time from all the fees). I'm doing much better just paying for everything with cash. I want to go back to school to make more money, but I don't have the money to go back to school for what I want to do, so I'm working on figuring that out.

If a guy thinks that makes you a gold-digger, then he's not the right guy. I've always thought the minute a guy found out I have bad credit (and it's REALLY bad - I made a LOT of really careless, foolish mistakes when I was in my late teens/early 20's and on top of that, I was forced to live on my own with no help from anyone and I was charging things like groceries and gas because all my money went to rent and utilities, then when I hit my mid-to-late 20's, I found myself in a hole I couldn't dig myself out of, even with working all the time to try to make more money).

Anyway...surprisingly, most guys I've dated have been very kind about it, and upon mentioning my problems, some have even related that they've gone through similar hardships themselves, or have close friends who have.

My current boyfriend knows my situation, but he also knows I want to make my life better so I don't find myself in that situation again. He's confessed some "sins" of the past with money as well, so that made me feel better.

I think it's better that you told him the truth. And if he's the right guy, he will respect you for that.












iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 5:25pm

Thanks, Stacey, it does make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one going through hardships. What makes it so hard is that this guy is a self-made man. He is quite wealthy and never went to school. He started young, got into a business on the ground level, and used wise decision making to help shoot him to the top. I guess that makes it really hard because my bad decisions are a direct contrast to the right decisions that he made. I'm afraid that he will see me as weak and stupid.

I told him my credit was bad and he asked "how bad?" I said only "really bad, about as bad as it can get." I didn't tell him that I haven't been able to make the minimum payments on my credit cards for over a year and there are at least 6 companies threatening judgments and my car is a payment behind and my checking account is severly negative and I have a quarter tank of gas to last me until I get paid on Thursday. I gave my kids ramen for lunch and we'll probably have it again for dinner.

But you are right - if he thinks I'm a gold digger, then he'll do me a favor by ditching me. Lord knows it would make my life easier anyway - no more worrying over not having money to die my roots or get my eyebrows waxed. And there will be no mroe stressing because I can't even offer to pay for anything.

Besides, the guy hasn't even kissed me yet, so as far as I'm concerned he's just a friend at this point. And if a friend is going to look down on me for my situation, then I wouldn't want him as a friend, anyway.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 9:37pm

Writerchick, you didn't air any dirty laundry. You were honest and I commend you for it. You are the last person who should be ashamed of your financial situation. You are doing something in order to change the future for yourself and your child. Think of all the opportunities you are giving him or her by continuing your education. You are going without in order to do achieve an important goal.

I think what may have been going through this person's head is, he may have sensed how difficult it was for you to admit and he didn't want to highten your nervousness by fueling the conversation so he chose to skip over it.

However, if he IS going to judge you because you are a single mother, are broke, and swallowed your pride in order to let him know that you WEREN'T looking to take advantage of anyone, who needs him?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 1:52pm

I don't think it's a bad thing that you told him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 2:31pm

I gotta tell ya, I've been on both sides of this fence so I can see both points of view.

A few years ago, my credit was REAL bad - as bad as you can get. I barely made enough money to survive, had a student loan that was outstanding, was several months behind on a car payment, yadda, yadda, yadda. I was the poster child for bad credit.

Of course, most guys weren't interested when they found out my financial and living status and I suppose I didn't understand it until now.

Fast forward to today - I have A-1 credit. Got it cleaned up, paid off all of my debt, I have NO credit cards and pay only with cash, sorted out my student loan to the point that I'm back in school, and so forth.

Those were some tough years but it's done now and it was worth it, although in those years I wasn't able to get my hair done, my nails done or buy any new clothes.

So, as Shy also wrote, if I met someone NOW who was in my THEN circumstance, I may think twice about seeing them. Maybe. It would depend if I saw them actively working to improve their situation. Although I *would* have a problem if the guy didn't have the money to pay his bills but had money to go to the bar or buy the latest video game. Priorities have to be in order - that shows maturity and responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 8:41am

It's not fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 9:02am

I can understand what you're saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:13am

Well I have to wonder why he asked. That seems like a weird thing to ask someone. But I guess after a month of dating he is probably wondering why you haven't had him over for dinner or something since he's taken you out so often.

I probably wouldn't have gone into too much details other than I'm a single mom in school so money is really tight, I don't have any expendable funds right now to pay for dates due to paying for my child and school to better my career. I wouldn't say I'm broke, I live in a bad neighborhood and I have bad credit. I would just say I don't have expendable cash for anything other than paying my bills.

I don't think someone is a bad person if they don't want to get in a relationship with bad credit if you went into details, then it might be a turnoff for someone who has great credit. Since you take that on when you are with someone.

Before I met my husband my credit cards were paid off every month. Money burned a hole in his pocket. I was a saver, he was a spender. I had to take half the debt when we divorced. It was awful. I had to cash out most of my 401k last year to pay most of the debt off and I still have about 5k to go. It's taken a long time to get out from under. Most people go through tough times, but I can see why someone wouldn't want to take that on. I know I wouldn't.

If I met someone that I liked and they said they had really bad credit I probably would think twice just because it's taken me so long to get out from under my ex and this debacle.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:27am

I have a question for you....how did you cash out your 401k?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:14am

It could be different companies have different policies. This was fidelity.
I had 22k but could only take 18k so it could be because 18k was a rollover from another company so that may be why I was able to take it.

But I only got 13k in my hand, and I owe 1,200 in taxes this year. So trust me it's not the BEST thing to do but in order to get out from under the debt it was either take that hit now or pay tons in interest for the next 10 or 15 years and I was NOT willing to file for bankruptcy.

Plus again I am young as well. I took the hit on my 401k and I put the remaining 4k in high risk and growth and in a year have built up 9k so it's fine I'm still young enough to build it back up, but having to pay that credit card debt would have taken forever.

Smile,

Deirdre

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