My shocking confession
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| Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:46pm |
I've been dating this guy for about a month or so, although I'm not sure you can really say we are dating. He hasn't kissed me yet, but we do go out and he pays and all of that. He is alwyas the one to make the initiative to call and make plans. I think he's just taking it slow. Anyway, the thorn in my side with dating has always been that I'm broke. And when I say broke I mean living in a bad apartment on the wrong side of town, eating top ramen and mac and cheese and pawning my stuff to pay for rent. I'm going to school and doing things to improve my situation, still, it's embarressing. It isn't that I don't want to pay for dates, I just can't. It's so distressing to have the check come and I can't offer to pay because my checking account is negative. But I also refuse to let my financial situation keep me from living my life. It already interfers enough.
Having said all that, I still feel that it's wrong to let the guy pay all the time without an explanation. But I didn't know how to bring it up, so finally it came up in conversation today and I flat out told him that I'm struggling big time. It worries me because he didn't have a reaction. He just continued with what we were talking about before my confession. Then the conversation lulled and he got off the phone.
Now I'm worried. I'm a single mother, too, so I already have to deal with worrying about all of that and if he'll think I'm looking for a daddy. What if he thinks I'm a golddigger, too? I am so embarressed, but at least now I'll know how he feels about me. If he's "just not that into me" this will make it easy for him to bolt. Besides, the only thing worse than being broke is pretending that I'm not. Now I don't have to pretend that my jeans are ratty because they are "in-style." But "poor single mother with bad credit" is not exactly a prize catch, KWIM??
Ugh I'm so mad at myself. I should have just kept my mouth shut :( He did come right out and ask, but I could have side stepped the answer. Instead I let him see all my dirty laundry. And here I've been proud of myself for staying mysterious...ugh. Looks like another one bites the dust.

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Usually you can take a loan on your 401k though and especially for a car. Have you looked into at least doing that? If you want to buy a car.
PS. I just applied to Home Depot for a 2nd job on the weekends pretty much I will be working on saturday and sundays if they hire me. It will suck but I gotta do what I have to do. I probably make as much as you do, so the extra money will go to pay off the last of the cc debt. And Home Depot tends to pay pretty well. My fingers are crossed for them to call me back for the 2nd interview.
Edited 3/12/2007 11:44 am ET by lovinhockey17
Smile,
Deirdre
Problem with that is, I maxed out my loan allowances in the past trying to catch up on the payments on the other car.
Oh that just sucks then. Sorry!
I know how difficult it is. I went into some credit counseling program before I did the whole money out of my 401k thing and that helped it was a not for profit place, although it did cost me a fee every month it was only like 25 bucks. They got the credit card companies to lower my interest rates but even that isn't that great.
Getting out of debt is a slow and painful process and I don't wish it on anyone.
Hugs! You'll find a way!!! your a very determined person. I've been lucky, when I went through my divorce I had to borrow 350 dollars from a friend of mine, I paid her back so much a month. SO now she does not hesistate to help me when I need it, she just opened up a 0% card to transfer the last of my debt so at least I won't be getting charged interest. She knows I would never stiff her and we were doing it before I cashed out the 401k. Not many people will do that for another but she trusts me because I've proved I'm trustworthy. I would never hesistate to help her in the same sense.
Smile,
Deirdre
The whole having to eat top romen, not having money to put gas in your car, having a negative bank account, well I can so relate! I was so poor when I was in school! I've been there and it was really, really hard. I know that sometimes it feels hopeless but don't beat yourself up so much. You are working, going to school, and bringing up a child, thats pretty amazing! You are a smart, determined woman and you should give yourself a little credit every now and then. Its going to be a rough couple of years or so but I have a feeling that you are going to make it!
One of my chemistry friends from college was broke like me and she had a kid which made things even harder for her. People always told her that she wasn't going to finish up her bachelors and that she wasn't going to make it. Well she finished her bachelors degree! When she was done with that she started grad school. She is just about to finish up her Ph.D and has already had some pretty impressive job offers! Oh, and thats not all. My friend went through alot of hardships when it came to dating because she was a single mom yet now she found someone that can really appreciate her. He's this super sexy MD and he treats her really well! So things really turned around for her.
Things can change! Just have a little faith in yourself! Good luck!
purple daisy
Edited 3/13/2007 1:27 am ET by purpledaisy_gal
Thanks purpledaisy and everyone else for your comments. I know I'll get through this and I'm going to do it on my own. I was talking with a friend today about all of this and I told him "I'm not going to wait for my prince charming. Been there, done that. Expecting someone to be your savior is a recipe for dissapointment. If I'm going to get out of this mess, I'm going to do it on my own, and with God's help." It felt so good to say it and to know that it is true!
I made some bad choices, but a lot of my financial problems are not of my own doing. My ex-husband has very wealthy parents and his strategy was to fight me in the divorce until I ran out of money (I had some left over from the sale of our house). It worked. He stalled and hemmed and hawed until I'd racked up thousands in lawyer bill just through correspondence with his lawyer. He'd agree to my requests, we'd have a meeting and I would be charged for it, then he would back out the next day and we would be back in negotiations. I felt that I had no choice but to give him 50% custody, which I don't like, to this day (he's a good dad, but a big kid and not responsible.) It also drastically cut my child support down (yet not having my kid half the time doesn't really cut down on expenses - can't figure that one out??!!). And he doesn't pay the child support that he does owe (at lease not consistently - I certainly can't count on it). He also stuck me with the car that's about to break down and has a $450/mo payment, while he got a truck and a motorcycle free and clear. I also took on a large portion of the debt.
If I could do it all over again I'd fight him in court without a lawyer. He was trying to take my kid away from me, claiming all kinds of ridiculous things about me. But I was still under the influence of his emotional abuse, so I let him scare me. I know now that I could have stood and fought. And I should have. Live and learn.
Anyway, all seems well with this guy and things have moved on as if I never made the confession. Also, he asked about my financial situation because I was talking about a specific problem that I was having so he just said "but you can pay your bills, right?" I said "No, not really" and that's when I spilled it.
I think this guy has a lot of respect for me - a little too much respect - he still hasn't kissed me :( But I think he knows that I'm doing what needs to be done to better my financial situation. Or maybe he just wants to be friends. Either way, I'm glad to have him in my life. He's definitely growing on me, but not in a desperate gotta-have-him way. For the first time in my life I am truly content with the way things are and I'm happy to see where this is going to lead. It's a weird feeling.
Hang in there! It appears it didn't matter to him which is great!
Did you two meet on a dating website?? Have you attempted to just kiss him. You guys have been dating for quite a bit now.
Smile,
Deirdre
Thanks lovinhockey! We met in real life, through church. He actually pursued me, which was really really nice, and the reason I'm so perplexed that he hasn't made a move yet. Most guys expect me to sleep with them on the first date, so this is completely out of my realm. He's the first true Christian I've ever "dated."
I haven't tried to kiss him, because I am so unsure about his feelings. I've given him opportunity - looking into his eyes and leaning close, holding a hug for a little longer, those kids of things. But he's actually very standoffish and will shift away from me. he will say something every now and then that leads me to think he's putting out feelers to gage MY feelings, but I think I've made it obvious. However, I was hurt very badly in the past and I know there are walls there that I've never had before. So maybe I'm sending out vibes.
I'm happy, but I'm starting to get bored. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm done. Especially since I met someone else who seems interested and I can see myself dating him. I don't date more than one guy at a time (too much effort!), so I'm thinking if I don't get some definite affirmation by this weekend (i.e. a kiss, a hand hold, an intimate word..anything!), it's time to move on to more...er...active pastures ;) I may just get frustrated enough to come right out and ask him.
Smile,
Deirdre
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