My weekend in Bizzaro-Boyland

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
My weekend in Bizzaro-Boyland
33
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:53pm

I had a very interesting week in an alternate universe that I will call Bizzaro-Boyland.

It started on Thrusday I went out on what was beknownst to me, a blind date. I say this because I am not dating right now, I just ended an engagement and am really not interested in dating at all. But I just moved to a new city and a former co-worker hooked me up with her nephew so I would know some people in the area. He called me and we went out. He referred to never being out on a blind date and asked if I had ever been on one. I said "no" and thought "and I'm still not". But that is neither here nor there. He was talking about how his roommate was supposed to take a girl out that night as well and he said the roommate talks about this girl all the time, a little too much acutally. He said that the roommate didn't want the girl to get the wrong impresssion. I think he doesn't want the girl to think the guy wants a relationship and all but the blind date goes on to say "he doesn't want to be just friends". Hmm, ok well yes occasionally some guys I guess like girls and want the whole 9 yards with them. Not yet quite in Bizzaro Boyland but coming to the enterance.

On Saturday I go to my apartment buildings pool. I was the only person there for about an hour.
Two guys come to the pool after that. The one was extremely good looking the other was probably very goodlooking to some girls. He was the meathead muscle guy who's T-shirt, if he were wearing one, would have been 2 sizes too small. I would have guessed he would have been very impressed with himself in a conversation.
I was overhearing their conversation and was shocked by what I overheard:
Meathead: I don't why but he just won't buy her a ring yet.
Hotguy: They've been together a while.
Meathead: Yeah
Hotguy: Well you know once he goes there is going be a domino effect there are going to about 8 of them that go
Meathead: I remember when we sophomores and we were in class the one day and he said to me 'I hope I meet the love of my life this year'.
Hotguy:
Meathead: I hope it happens to me
Hotguy: Me too.

Now let me clairify that these two were in no way sarcastic or poking fun or sounding like their friend is entering into a ball and chain scenario. I was texting my friend that I was overhearing the funniest conversation, I've never heard guys talk like this! I figured they were an anomaly.
Enter 3 more guys all of the hot. They were not associated with the first 2.

Dark hair boy: Alicia came back to my room last night. NOTHING happened. (his tone was serious, not disappointed. More convincing.
Other two boys:
Dark hair boy: I didn't know she was seeing that Kevin. If I knew that I wouldn't have let her stay.
Shaved head boy: I think I knew that. I would have said something.
Then they went on and on about Alicia and Sarah and Katie. Not about sports or drinking or anything. and the conversation was never locker room talk. Always just telling a story. No one was busting anyone. Nothing. Weird

2 more guys come not as good looking they were friends with the first two.
The one says: Now I have to expose my fat
The other: Oh your not that bad. After the week you had its understandable all you've been eating was pizza and stromboli. You've been stressed out.
The one to the Hotguy: Yeah what about you. You look anorexic, eat something
Hotguy: I do eat. I just think eatings a waste of time. I'd rather be doing other things. I try to eat healthy all week and then on weekends I'm just whatever.

Where was I? What happend to guys who were committmentphobic and didn't want kids. Now they are all about marriage and family and all with one girl. And more and more girls are about not getting married don't know if they want kids and think that guys who want only them are smoothering them. Its weird this post-Sex and the City world.

Just a fun little story for everyone. When I was telling my friends they were like "what is wrong with them? We don't even talk like that and we're girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:23pm

*** have a dear friend who is a Marine. He got one of those "dear johns" during his last tour in Iraq, and he was truly devastated. He loved her and their kids more than anything, and she found someone else while he was away.****

I don't want to hijack this ether . . .caution. (-: But in a way it does directly relate to OP's experience. Picture this guy, humping all that body armor in 120 degree temputures, and lets just say they are doing a LOT more than I did to earn there paychecks today, very scary place full of loss. But "she" had it so hard that "she" could not take it. Then think of the break ups you suffered . . how hard was that dear john for him read over there, helpless to do a thing about it? Perspective always helps you see the man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:23pm

>>Honestly, how do you react to men who do? Men are not in a hurry to be perceived as "wimpy". Not taking any shots . . however, how uncommon is that reaction? .. the feeling "something" is a little off with "that guy". <<

You bring up a good point. I think this is entirely dependent upon timing - how far we are into a relationship. Just as a guy would likely freak out at a woman mentioning a walk down the aisle too early in a relationship, a guy who is telling me he "misses me" or "can't live without me" (for example) after a second date would raise my red flag detector (or BS detector, as the case may be). This has happened in the past, and it freaked me out - the guy cried and called me several times after I said I wasn't interested in seeing him again after a second date. I didn't see it as wimpy, I saw it as a bit scary. Yes, something seemed a little off because he didn't have enough time to know me and form that kind of attachment.

On the flip side, someone I have been with for awhile -- I would LOVE for him to tell me he misses me, etc. Unfortunately, I think some guys think it's implied at this stage - and that's when I would love most to hear it.

It's a matter of trust and level of attachment, I guess.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:28pm

>>Then think of the break ups you suffered . . how hard was that dear john for him read over there, helpless to do a thing about it? Perspective always helps you see the man. <<

In this case, it made me so angry that she did that - because of the reason you mentioned, but also because he is an amazing man. Any woman would be so lucky to have him, and she threw him away and treated him like dirt.

Now, I wasn't in their marriage. I am sure there are things I don't know, and maybe they weren't the best match. Ultimately, it's not my business - but it is one case when I can see it from the guy's perspective and it is good for me to remember that men can love deeply and be deeply hurt as well.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:36pm

That's exactly what I was going to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:58pm

I would have a harder time believing that men DIDN'T feel this way. It's as though we're discussing them as a different species incapable of missing anything other than sex. They're human emotions, not female emotions, and everytime I feel a little jaded, I just remember how many women I know (or know of, more accurately) that are just as shallow and bitchy as the men we're talking about. believe it or not, that makes me feel better, because despite all the women that men complain about, I know so many genuinely wonderful women that would never act in such a way. So, in turn, this is probably the case with men, no?

I'm rambling, I know. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:03pm

They did I am sure, most . .as did the ones whose marriage crumbled the moment the ship left the dock and wife went to play. You are right about one thing, words are cheep. I will say the"surviving" marriages, the ones that made it with the lifers . . some of the closed relationships I have ever witnessed. They knew what it was to sacrifice, and to trust each other beyond imagination over long separations. The truth is very strong bonds are sometimes formed with shared hardship. Anybody play collage level sports, think team mates . . .

Shy, I see the . .jaded . .feelings you have. Every positive I toss you way, you toss it back. (-: We all have our moments in the place you are at, I surly have. Not sure I am so far way now, but trying real hard. I don't know you well enough to be the advice guy . . or pretend to have answers. But for what it is worth I see a strength there, and a self assurance . .. and a little distrust . . whatever regarding men. The only advice I would give is caution on the returns. (-: If you meet someone you really care for . .and he "tosses" you the right feelings, trust them. Sending them back unwanted or un trusted tells "him" something too. Sometimes things just become self fulfilling in there momentum for a while. Again, bet every one on the board has been there at one time or another, including me. Trust is the hardest thing in the world to find sometimes.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 4:53pm

That's the odd thing- I do trust people until they do something to take it away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 5:40pm

Shy - I don't think I ever heard that story before. I had a very similar experience with my ex not ever knowing his own feelings. He would say one thing and do another ("let's move in", "when we're married," then he leaves).

It does make it hard to trust words again when that happens. Actions speak louder, but I do think the words are a nice reinforcement.

I don't think you were dumb for not "seeing the signs." Having been in a similar situation, I can imagine that you trusted what he told you and didn't have a reason to believe otherwise. It shakes your whole world to the core to love someone, trust him and then have it all shattered.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:54pm

Clearly this is the first I have heard of this. And yes, I see how this hurt badly.
The "only" red flag you described was the wanting to move in so fast. I am a rocket compared to a lot of men . . but moving in is pretty much right there with slipping on a ring. If someone does not show some fear of it, they have no respect for it, or . . no experience with it. 24/7 is way beyond getting along well on a date, it is work, and it is difficult with the perfect person. It really does need love to support the effort.

Sounds to me like he wanted to be "married" just a little too much. (-: Probably what I call a close miss. Just enough to offer a "lot" of what you want, and prove it exists, and how good it feels . . just not quite the "right" person "that" time. (-: I would call him a “gift”. ((-: He kind of showed you the basics you’re looking for, fill in a blank or two with the “right” guy and you can send him a thank you card. ((-:

I use cute little phrases like bloody knees . . I have to talk myself into getting back up too, keeping my mind and heart open to try again . . but shy, these things hurt like hell. The getting up is the whole trick. And you kind of said it today . . chances are we are going to get knocked down again before we get it right. Crazy stuff. (-:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:34pm

Me and my guy friends will talk about this stuff, usually in private, sometimes in public, when nobody we know is around. My best friend has been in a few long-term relationships for the past 10 years with a 6 month break somewhere in that time period. I, on the other hand, have only been in two short relationships in that same time period. I will bring up the fact I can't meet a decent woman who is single (I have a way of meeting every engaged woman on the planet, I think Stacey called it the ring of death), that I'm a little chubby, and my hair is thinning. He on the other hand is a very very poor theater tech. He has a lot of money problems. And he's dealing with a lot of illness and death in his family. I have a new car, new hockey equipment, a Master's degree, etc. He's been lucky to be in a field that is littered with women. Many women don't work in a pharmaceutical company.

Anyway, I think society expects men to suck it up. It's taboo for men to talk about their emotions but it's perfectly ok for us to talk about sex constantly. You'd be surprised what kind of conversations many men have in private.