Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Need advice
14
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 6:23pm


Hi everyone..

I am looking for a little advice. I am new to this single life thing... only been about 3 months now. My finacee broke things off with me the begining of Aug and I have been devested since. But I am getting better slowly.. and moving on with "me" for my son and I.

I guess I am not usre how to get back in the dating field. But I have a co-worker ask me out today to go a movie on Saturday. What scares me is.. am I ready?? How to I act?? what to say?? not to mention I am 26 and he is in his early 40's. I know age doesn't matter but I just feel different I guess. I dunno...

Any advice, do I go?? do I say I am not ready or am I ready?? I don't know :o(

Please help

C

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 6:26pm

Are you sure it's a date?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 6:34pm

Welcome to The Single Life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:45pm
I guess I know I am not ready to date seriously.. I think I am just looking for a friend to have fun with .. my self esteem tumbled when my fiancee left me. So it feels good knowing that someone out there still would like to be around me. Does that make sense?? I know I have to work on me, but I also feel like I need to have fun and laugh as well.. I am so tired of being down and crying.

If I make it know that I don't want anything serious and just want a friendship, is it still ok to go out knowing there are no commitments?? I guess I just want to know it is ok, and that I am not doing anytihng wrong??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 10:36pm
Absolutely! It is fine to go out w/ someone if you make it known that you just want friendship and you spend time together just as friends.

I think you are very wise to realize that you are not ready to date yet. Last year I dated a man a few months after his fiancee broke off their engagement, and in retrospect he was not over her at all.

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 10:56pm
I know exactly what you are feeling! My Husband of 4 years (relationship of 10 years - and I'm only 27) told me 2 months ago that he no longer wanted to be married. I was caught so offguard, especially since my Grandmother - the most important person in my life died only a month before! Anyway, we are proceeding with the divorce (my choice) and I have realized that I am sad at the loss of the hopes and dreams I had, not really at loosing Brian the person. But now I am faced as you are at the prospect of dating...UGH!!! I NEVER thought I would be in this boat again! And I have been doing a lot of thinking about it. And eventhough I'm not ready yet...and I doubt I will date until the divorce is final...I wouldn't mind getting out there and practining my skills with some friendly dates...noting serious. So I say go for it! But I would clearly define while you are out or when the need arises what you expect out of this relationship. And simply tell him that you think he is a great guy (if you do) but your just not ready...guys love to be a shoulder for you to cry on! But get out there...meet new friends, go new places, experience new things. I have started doing it and it feels GREAT! I have sat at home for over 2 months and I am done! It is time to jump start my life. Because living a fabulous life is the best revenge! And remember dating is meant to be fun...so if it stressing you out, take a break for a while and take some time for yourself. Rent some movies, make good food, take long bubble baths, ect... This is a time to find yourself again and figure out what you really want. But I think the 1st decision you are going to have to make is Sat at the concession stand at the movies...will it be popcorn or candy? Have a great time! Just enjoy it for what it is...a movie! :o)

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:09pm
I am far from over my fiancee (well ex now) .. but I think I am finally coming to the realization that it was just not meant to be. I have a child... he wanted no family at all.... but he though that feeling would "go away" .. this is why he asked me to marry him in the first place. Doesn't work that way.

It feels weird to have no one by my side... it has only been 3 months but this has been the longest I have not been in a serious relationship. I realize also that this is a fault. I am not even sure I know who I am.

I just need to have fun and laugh, ultimatly that is what I am looking for.

I am looking forward to having time to myself to discover who I am, yet I am so afraid of being alone. Is this a normal feeling? It is a big fear or mine....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:14pm


You are right.. it is just a movie and if I make it known that I am not looking for anything more then a friendship and a good time then I should be Ok ...

There is no reason for me to feel guilty, and he does know the pain and heartache I have been going through the lst 3 months.. he has let me cry on his shoulder. So I should be Ok.

wish me luck .. (now I need confidence)

C

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 12:38am
I was in a twenty plus year relationship/marriage. I have been very comfortable in who I am for I have examined myself quite closely in the declining years of my marriage. I have worked hard to develop close friendships and build a community of people with whom I can connect from the heart. I don't like being without a partner. I am alone but not really lonely.

I find transitions and change hard to adjust to. I also find the blessing in each change, in each challenge. So I am finding that for the time I am alone, I get to BE with myself and be comfortable with that. AND I also examine what exactly I really want in a partner and WHY. Also I get to examine what that means to me.

Good luck

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 12:56pm
So far no one has mentioned 2 potential "red flags" here: this is a co-worker, and he's considerably older than you.

A man in his 40s already knows "his way around the block," so he's aware of your present vulnerable position. You should be careful about letting him manipulate you to his advantage. I'm not saying that he is--I don't know him, after all--but I'm saying that there's room for that to happen.

Besides which, he's also a co-worker, and there's nothing worse than working w/a former BF. No matter who breaks up, that's always an uncomfortable situation, and it's almost always the woman who comes out "worse for wear."

Before accepting, you should think carefully about opening those particular doors...

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
In reply to: kahlan2002
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 3:53pm
Speaking from experiencing this a little over a year ago....if you're still feeling devastated about the break up, you're no where near ready to begin dating.

If you try using dating and other guys as a band-aid for your current emotional wound, you'll only end up creating a bigger, uglier wound.

If this guys is someone you feel you could have a platonic friendship with, then explain the situation (just the basics, no need for a mass quantity of detail) and let him know that a friendship is what you can handle.

My best advise is to focus 100% on you and your child...learn to be a single person and a single mother--learn to love the life you'll build for yourself in that capacity....then worry about dating, because that's when you'll date someone who's emotionally healthy, just like you will be when you get to that point.

Good luck,

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

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