Need advice how to get in touch w/ girl
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| Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:45am |
Hi ladies,
A question from a guy. But first a little back story.
I am now separated (since July of last year) but most of the events in my situation occurred while I was married. I was married about 4 and a half years ago. However, about 3 years ago I fell in love with another woman I worked with. My marriage was very unhappy at the time. However, since I was married, I couldn't act on my feelings for that girl. We never saw each other outside of work; however we were drawn to each other. We started hanging out often, talking a lot, taking breaks together, and having lunches together. I did not reveal my feelings for her although I believe she noticed by my behavior and the way I looked at her that I was attracted to her.
Last year in July she told me she had a job interview for another job. That freaked me out because I was afraid I might never see her again. That night I couldn’t sleep, I stayed up all night wondering what to do. All that plus being so tired of hiding my feelings for 2 years finally overcame all logic and reason and on the next day I blurted out to her that I loved her and was in love with her.
6 days later, during which time she acted completely normal like nothing happened I complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She got real quiet and didn't say anything. On the next day she emailed me and said she had no feelings for me and that basically she just wanted to be friends.
Well, as it turned out, she did not get the other job so she and I worked together for a little longer. However, things between us became very tense. None of us was able to relax around the other one. We still talked, but not nearly as much.
Well, she did eventually get another job at the beginning of October of last year. When she left she promised that she would come back and visit with us but she hasn't so far. I haven't tried to contact her except for one time when I sent her a text which she did not answer to. Also, she and I used to talk on AIM occasionally but since I told her I loved her last year in July she has always been Offline so I am pretty sure she blocked me.
I feel that when I told her how I felt about her it made her run away from me. She won't talk to me and she is acting like she is avoiding me. I did see her one time earlier this month in the hospital where she works now. She was walking by and I didn't say anything to her, I just waved at her and she said "Hey" to me and kept walking, didn't even stop to talk to me for one minute. We used to be so close, last year when she found out about her grandmother passing away she was crying inconsolably and I was the first one to go to her and ask her what was wrong and I rubbed her back to make her feel better, and now she didn't even stop to ask me how I was doing.
I don't understand how always being there for somebody, giving them gifts, and telling them you love them can make them run away from you. Maybe you ladies can clear it up for me.
So here is my question at last: I still have feelings for this girl and I want to get in touch with her. But I don't want to scare her off, at first I just want to approach her as a friend. What should I say? I was thinking of something like this: ", I feel that last year when we parted it was on bad terms and this is such a shame as we had a great friendship. There are no hard feelings on my part and I hope the same is true for you. So what do you say, can we still be friends? I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this so please let me know"

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Well, first of all, when you say you're "seperated," do you mean you no longer live in the same house with your wife, and you will be filing for divorce/divorce papers are in the process and it's just not final yet?
I'd save face and just let it go. You took a risk and told her how you felt. For whatever reason, she did not feel the same. No reflection against you. It is what it is.
Maybe she's at a point where she just doesn't even want to be friends. Fine. Her loss, not yours.
At this point, I feel that if you contact her, you'd probably come across as needy or desperate.
My two cents? I'd let it go.
I would say that you need to let this girl alone. She's made it pretty clear that she's not interested, and your behavior could very well be taken as stalking.
>I don't understand how always being there for somebody, giving them gifts, and telling them you love them can make them run away from you. Maybe you ladies can clear it up for me.<
Yeah - gifts, telling them you love them and all that doesn't mean a whole lot if the OTHER person doesn't feel it as well. It wasn't the gifts that made her run away - what made her run away was that you were married but told her you loved her, and she's not interested. She doesn't feel that way about you. You can't MAKE someone love you.
What she felt for your was platonic friendship, so when you wanted to take that to a different level, that made her realize that for you, it was more than friendship so you weren't on the same page.
And if you still have romantic feelings for her, then sending that email saying you want to be friends would be dishonest.
Sheri
Edited 2/26/2007 3:15 pm ET by cfk_3
Edited 2/26/2007 6:38 pm ET by askmenuser
What I mean by separated is that my estranged wife and I live separately and have been for about 7 months. We don't talk and don't see each other. We will probably get divorced later this year.
I don't understand why it would be dishonest if I sent her an email and said I wanted to be friends with her again. I just basically want to get in touch with her, I don't want her to disappear from my life altogether. And yes, I have a hope that one day something might work out between us, but that can't happen unless we stay in touch. Many couples start of as friends so I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be friends with her.
Also, to answer the other couple of people. Yes, she did say that she didn't have any feelings for me and just wanted to be friends, but that was a long time ago. Things change and people change and their feelings change too. It has been almost 5 months since I'd spoken to her, so I figured I'd give it another shot. As a beginning I want to establish contact with her and be friends and then we will see what happens next.
I have realized now that telling her 'i love you' at the wrong time was a mistake, but is it so unforgivable that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me? My idea basically is this, yes, I made a mistake, but it has been a long time, let's forgive and forget and see if we can be friends again.
So, you'd honestly be perfectly, 100% ok with it if she wrote back and said she has a serious BF now, but she'd love to have lunch with you and catch up as platonic friends?
If not, then yes, I still think it would be dishonest of you to say you want to be friends when you have a different agenda. I'd be upset if I were in her shoes and I later found out that you hid your true motives.
Sheri
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