Need advice how to get in touch w/ girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Need advice how to get in touch w/ girl
20
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:45am

Hi ladies,

A question from a guy. But first a little back story.

I am now separated (since July of last year) but most of the events in my situation occurred while I was married. I was married about 4 and a half years ago. However, about 3 years ago I fell in love with another woman I worked with. My marriage was very unhappy at the time. However, since I was married, I couldn't act on my feelings for that girl. We never saw each other outside of work; however we were drawn to each other. We started hanging out often, talking a lot, taking breaks together, and having lunches together. I did not reveal my feelings for her although I believe she noticed by my behavior and the way I looked at her that I was attracted to her.

Last year in July she told me she had a job interview for another job. That freaked me out because I was afraid I might never see her again. That night I couldn’t sleep, I stayed up all night wondering what to do. All that plus being so tired of hiding my feelings for 2 years finally overcame all logic and reason and on the next day I blurted out to her that I loved her and was in love with her.

6 days later, during which time she acted completely normal like nothing happened I complimented her on her beautiful eyes. She got real quiet and didn't say anything. On the next day she emailed me and said she had no feelings for me and that basically she just wanted to be friends.

Well, as it turned out, she did not get the other job so she and I worked together for a little longer. However, things between us became very tense. None of us was able to relax around the other one. We still talked, but not nearly as much.

Well, she did eventually get another job at the beginning of October of last year. When she left she promised that she would come back and visit with us but she hasn't so far. I haven't tried to contact her except for one time when I sent her a text which she did not answer to. Also, she and I used to talk on AIM occasionally but since I told her I loved her last year in July she has always been Offline so I am pretty sure she blocked me.

I feel that when I told her how I felt about her it made her run away from me. She won't talk to me and she is acting like she is avoiding me. I did see her one time earlier this month in the hospital where she works now. She was walking by and I didn't say anything to her, I just waved at her and she said "Hey" to me and kept walking, didn't even stop to talk to me for one minute. We used to be so close, last year when she found out about her grandmother passing away she was crying inconsolably and I was the first one to go to her and ask her what was wrong and I rubbed her back to make her feel better, and now she didn't even stop to ask me how I was doing.

I don't understand how always being there for somebody, giving them gifts, and telling them you love them can make them run away from you. Maybe you ladies can clear it up for me.

So here is my question at last: I still have feelings for this girl and I want to get in touch with her. But I don't want to scare her off, at first I just want to approach her as a friend. What should I say? I was thinking of something like this: ", I feel that last year when we parted it was on bad terms and this is such a shame as we had a great friendship. There are no hard feelings on my part and I hope the same is true for you. So what do you say, can we still be friends? I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this so please let me know"

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:09pm

If a married man told me he loved me, I'd run too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:02am

I'm going to be perfectly honest.

Leave her alone. Her feelings aren't going to change. Her "just friends" line was just that, a line. Basically you still worked together and she didn't want there to much of a weird vibe while you two were still working together after you blurted out you loved her so she said she wanted to be just friends, but her actions spoke something very differently, if she really wanted to be friends, you would hear from her, she would email you, call you, talk to you. She's doing none of those things. She's basically cut off any type of contact to you.

As much as you'd like to remain friends or something more with her I really do not think she wants ANY part of it. Don't listen to the woman's words, you just have to go by her actions. She's not remotely interested in anything.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:38pm

Yes, it's true, she seems to have cut off all contact and wants nothing to do with me.

But how do I turn this negative situation around? And don't tell me it's impossible. There is a way. There is always a way. If people can do seemingly impossible things like climbing mount Everest without an oxygen mask and going in space, there has to be a way for a guy to get back in touch with a girl that wants nothing to do with him. Remember, her and I used to be close friends at work, we hung out all the time and at least half of the time she initiated taking breaks, going to lunch together, etc. Sometimes we would email each other over 20 times a day. We would laugh at silly things and make fun of each other in a playful way. I know she enjoyed my company because one time she said there was never a dull moment with me around. Sometimes she would look at me with that look on her face and I could have sworn she liked me. And I know this is silly, but often she would keep eye contact with me for a long time and I would notice her pupils were dilated and she would have her body positioned towards me with her foot pointing in my direction. Yeah, I've done my homework on female body language.

So what do I do? Do I wait a few more months? Do I apologize? Do I wait until after my divorce is finalized?

Hasn't it ever happened to any of you ladies a situation where, for whatever reason, you were in bad terms with a guy and then it somehow got turned around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:41pm

"If people can do seemingly impossible things like climbing mount Everest without an oxygen mask and going in space, there has to be a way for a guy to get back in touch with a girl that wants nothing to do with him."

There is. However, it is often referred to as "stalking."

If you seriously want to try and track her down, there are numerous people finder websites out there. If you must, look her up somehow. But please don't be surprised if she is not happy to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 8:39pm
What part of "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU" do you not understand?! I don't even know you, and you make me want to move to a remote location and change my name so you never find me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:49am
I don't cut off people unless I really don't want them in my life. So if I had gone to the lengths to cut a man out, block him on IM etc. An email, phone call, or anything from him would just annoy me.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:51am
Ditto.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:36pm

cl-countrygrlupnorth,

Thank you for your answer.

So we have an example when a guy tried to contact a girl that didn't want to hear from him and the girl got even more annoyed. I understand why this would happen and I definitely don't want to do that, i.e. annoy her. Keep in mind that in the 5 months since I last spoke to the girl in question I have only tried to contact her one time.

What about the opposite? Has any of you girls had a situation where, for whatever reason, you were on bad terms with a guy and didn't want to hear from him, but eventually the guy said and/or did something that made the girl change her mind about him and they went back on talking/friends/dating terms? And if so, what was it that the guy did and/or said to make you change your mind about him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:58am
I had a girl who I was friends with, who I liked very much. I asked her out on a date and she said no. She decided to maintain a friendship with me and contacted me first afterwards. A couple months later she asked me out (after I ignored her hints because I did not want to be a pathetic stalker). The ball is in her court now. If she wanted to be with you she could be, and she knows it. I guess she is just not that into you. Leave her alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 3:31pm

I can see why she cut you out of her life. You're completely obessessed with her. That will freak any woman out. What is so special about this one girl that you can't go out and find one just like her?

Trust me, it's easier to climb Mount Everest without an oxygen mask than to convince a girl who's not attracted to you to be your girlfriend. In fact it's pretty much impossible at this point.

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