Need a Favor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need a Favor
7
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:16am

I know that I don't have much self-confidence. But after trading posts with Tallgirl earlier today and thinking about what she wrote, I feel like "Yeah, I got potential!" So my story goes like this: A few months ago I got rejected by a girl who was out of my league. I felt down for a while, but afterward I set a personal goal that I am going to be sexy, dashing. If I want someone good, I need to be a great catch myself as well. (Although you may think that I sound funny, I really don't care because I am trying to be my best.)

So since graduation in January, I have been working out and learning some dancing. There are definitely progress in these areas. At the same time, I am paying more attention to my body language, like smiling or turning my body toward the person I talk to. In this area, however, I am very much struggling. I am not sure if I am "socially awkward", but I certainly never learned any social skills.

Of course, I feel depressed when I see some guys, always cool and charming, score tons of dates. However, I think, if my goal is to be sexy and dashing, I am implicitly saying that I am worthwhile. My attitude is fine, but I need aptitude. So ladies, this is where I would appreciate your help. Teach me what to do in front of a girl. The more specific the intructions are, the better they are! Thanks. (Tallgirl, if you are reading this, I am asking you to guide me in the right direction.)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: akt226
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 7:47am

I don't know that anyone can tell you how to act in front of a girl because we don't know who you are as a person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: akt226
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:34am

>>If I want someone good, I need to be a great catch myself as well. (Although you may think that I sound funny, I really don't care because I am trying to be my best.)<<

I think this is a great goal, and a great attitude. The one thing I would say is to be the best YOU possible. Don't try to act like one of those other guys you mentioned, because it will come across as fake and people will pick up on that. Be you, but be the best you. So, that means opening up to people, sharing something real about yourself, pursuing things you like (like the dancing - that sounds great!), and working on your own self confidence.

If you honestly present your interests, personality, goals and values, you will be most likely to attract someone who is the best match for you. If you act like someone else, you will attract someone who might not be the best fit.

When dealing with women, just remember that many of them are also shy and unsure. Many, many of us would love for a man to come up and say hello and start a conversation. It makes it much easier if a guy who is interested *shows* us that by starting a conversation and eventually asking for a date. Don't try to use any suave lines or anything, just make general conversation. Each time, look at the woman as a potential friend or you can think of it as practice - to take the pressure off, you don't necessarily have to see each woman as a potential date. It will get easier as time goes on.

In terms of conversation, when you are going to a party or somewhere else where you might have an opportunity to talk to women, it can sometimes be helpful to have a few conversation topics in mind just in case you get stuck for something to say: recent events like major sporting events (World Series), Academy Awards, etc.; great restaurants in the area that you have tried or ask her what her favorites are; movies you've seen, books you've read, or plays you've seen; political or social current events (if those are of interest to you).
If all else fails, complimenting her on a nice piece of jewelry or something can't hurt. ;)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: akt226
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 7:42pm

I would echo what the previous responses say: don't act like anything other than you. And that can be tough sometimes because often we're still figuring out who we are. I wouldn't act in any way that makes you uncomfortable. One, it will show and two, you can't always rely on that.

I would only add that this kind of change or "self-improvement" takes time and practice. You not only have to decide what you want to change but you have to get used to it and gain confidence. As you become more confident, you'll find it easier to approach people, women in particular.

Personally, I think the fact that you're concerned and asking for opinions is a good sign of being well on your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:39am

Thanks for the responses! I hear that phrase all the time, "being yourself", but I am never sure of what it means. Certainly, I will not lie that I am rich, or change my views on ethics, or pretend that I am enjoying an activity because the girl likes it. In that sense, I am not going to be any different. On the other hand, something has to change if I am not excited about my old self, right? So, where is the boundary line? I'm a little lost--help me out.

Or let me put it this way: I know there were girls who liked me (because I met them), but I never liked any one of them. Some were of the weak, timid type. Some I didn't find attractive, and some were just weird. The type that I like--pretty, kind, charming, slightly tom-boyish--never wanted me. Likely you will tell me to stop worrying about being the type of guys those pretty, fun girls are attracted to. But does it sound strange that I am constantly resisting the weak, boring girls? Clearly, they are NOT the people I feel "comfortable" with.

My mom told me that when I was a kid, I was nothing like I am now, that I was outgoing, talkative and that everyone liked me. I know why I changed so much. The question is how do I change back?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:45am

I'll give you an example of someone not being himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 8:57am

That's why I said sometimes it's hard to "just be you" because we don't always know what that is. It's easier to figure out as you get older and mature but I'm not sure we ever know everything about ourselves and our lives.

In this case, I'd say you're analyzing too much (I'm the queen of that, so I know it when I see it). There's no way to predict what's going to happen. If you want to talk to a girl, talk to her. You've lost nothing by trying. And, like I said, getting better at anything takes practice. No one is a natural the first time out so don't worry about how you compare, just be concerned with trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
In reply to: akt226
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:10am

I agree with the being yourself thing. Obviously if you want to change that the "you" you will be portraying will be a new you. Just make sure that you are comfortable with the new you.

I think also it helps to start conversation by asking a girl questions. I know that sometimes if I am approached by a guy I get nervous and it catches me off guard so I either say something really stupid or quickly say hi and walk away. It really helps if I can start talking about something that really interests me or at least that I know something about so I can get more comfortable with the conversation.

I was going to say something else too but now I forgot.....

Hope that helps some,

Trina

-*~*- Trina -*~*-