Need Guy Input (m)

Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need Guy Input (m)
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 1:25pm
Last weekend I went home w/ my best friend to her hometown

for a bday party all of her friends were throwing for her,

and met one of her lifelong friends and was instantly

attracted to him. We spent the whole night talking and getting

to know each other and there was just some spark that was there.

Everything clicked, we got along ridiculously well. As the night

went on, we eventually started sharing kisses that were just

amazing. Everyone spent the night at this home that night and he

and I ended up falling asleep together on a futon after even more

talking and some more kisses. (We didn't have sex or anything like

that.. just talking, kissing and cuddling) When I woke up the next

morning he was just as sweet as the night before. I've been in the

friends w/ benefits sit. before and everything was just diff. w/

this guy from how he looked at me to how he touched me. He was

extremely respectful and so funny and sweet. I woke up and had such

a bad headache and he spent the morning just holding me and rubbing

my head, squeezing me tight, and giving me little kisses on the cheek

while I fell back to sleep. He'd do things like just look into my eyes

and not say a word... just smile n hold me (stuff I haven't experienced

since my last bf). (Just as a sidenote, he's younger than me by a yr or

so.. I'm in college, he's not bc he wks.. he's from an *extremely* small

town, I'm not)

My friend and I hadn't realized how late it was when we woke up and had

to rush back to our college so in all the haste I didn't even think to

ask him for his # or anything. Since talking to my best friend about him

I've found out from her that he's one of the nicest guys she's ever met,

he's so sweet, he's been wonderful to every gf he's had and they've always

been bad to him and broken his heart, he's smart, works a lot, a lot of

fun, very shy, etc - all around good guy. Last night she was talking to

his best friend and I came up in their conv. and she mentioned that I had

said I would like to see him again and get to know him better and he said

that he knew that his friend would not mind that at all. They gave me his

cell # and told me that I should give him a call. That he really liked

spending time w/ me and was blown away (I didn't think so, but according to

everyone that was there, they thought I seemed really "ballsy" w/ him, in that

I just went up and was introducting myself and talking to him). I plan on

giving him a call tonight after I get out of work... but I don't really know

what to say is my reason for calling w/o sounding dumb.

I am not looking to make him some "hook up" buddy that I have whenever I go

visit there. I can tell that he's a really sweet guy and would be an amazing

friend and a wonderful bf and I'm interested in getting to know him better,

slowly, to see how things go and what comes of it, if anything. He lives

about an hr away from me right now so I mean, he could come out here to hang

out (I actually might be going there next weekend), but my purpose in calling

is to not specifically ask him out either. Would a guy be flattered that a

girl took the initiative to call (rem. hes shy), or would they think it's bad?

Is it considered dorky these days to just call a guy you met and had an amazing connection w/ and a great time w/ and just let him know that you enjoyed his

company and wanted to get to know him better?

Thanks in advance! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:26pm
Given that you've been in FWB before....realize that why this is different is because you're not 'friends'. You two don't know one another.

What you know is that there was heat/connection/spark/lust...and that as a result of that you two worked very hard that first night and next day to impress and please the other. That's the dynamic of "infatuation"...and if you date him expect that dynamic to last for 3-9 months. Infatuation is "I feel so good about myself based on your desire for me, I want to please you so that you'll desire me more and I'll have positive feelings as a result." Infatuation doesn't mean you haven't got self-esteem or self-confidence -it's just a "natural high" that you want more of this person wanting you so much.

Realize that what he did with you...he'd do with anybody that he found attractive. He'd kiss, cuddle, flirt, and care for any woman that he found attractive and willing to accept his attention. And if you question it...the same is true for you. I mean, it's a romantic but unrealistic notion to believe that "only once in your life with one person are you going to feel such spark that you conduct yourself out of character." You found him attractive, you'd had a bit to drink, you approached and he reciprocated - a bit more to drink and there was kissing, cuddling, and hugging...and the next morning a "relationship action" of kissing you and tending to your headache is what has you believing he's "so special and there is such spark."

he might be special and there is spark...but let's not attribute to him desires or traits he doesn't possess on his own.

If you want to pursue so. Given that he's familiar with the "aggressive" you that is likely what he believes to be the norm. That if you want him - you'll pursue him. And if he's comfortable with that as a dynamic....realize you'll do alot of the aggressive pursuit and initiating in every aspect of hte relationship, quite likely.

You can specify that you're NOT wanting to be a bone buddy (FWB doesn't apply - you don't know one aother well enought o be truly friends) or a hook up...but you'd like to try dating one another, would that interest him? And see what he says and go from there.

Realize that as physically friendly and intimate as you got without a date....that on a date if you two go out, there's probably going to be more pursued. After all, there is some credence to the assumption that if you've already been "this close" without knowing if anything at all was possible, you'll want to 'get closer still" becuase now something might develop. I'd say don't give in to that unless youdo so with the awareness that as individuals you odn't know one another and sex would just be a physically gratifying act between two skilled consenting, and sexually attracted to one another adults.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:43pm
Please please slow down - you've spent way longer choosing a bathing suit then this guy - you are caught up in your fantasy of who you think he is - based on one night - have any of those people who said nice things about him dated him? Why didn't he ask for your number? If you call him - play it cool - because you are strangers - none of this "amazing connection" - you have no idea whether there is a connection anywhere but in your own mind. Let him ask you out and then spend an evening together on an old fashioned date - or a day date - and get to know him slowly and carefully. Chalk it up as a sweet romantic evening that told you next to nothing about his character and values.
Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 5:02pm
I agree with what the other people answering said. I've been in this situation before and things never work out quite like I hope. The most recent guy I felt like I had a connection with after meeting him at a party actually turned out to be someone I had no interest in when we went on a date.

I wouldn't suggest that you not call, but don't have high expectations. It sounds like you've already got an idealized impression of him, which is probably not very accurate. Just be careful not to get yourself too caught up in him before you've spent much time with him.