Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Need Some Advice
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 4:23pm
I am new here and I just wanted to get some advice.

I have been friends with this guy, we will call him XOX, for about 2 years now. XOX and I had been aquaintances before that for about 7 years(i.e. we worked together). Anyways, over the 2 year span, we have become very good friends. He is essentially my best friend. Well, about a year and a half into the friendship, we slept together. It wasnt anything routine, it just happened a couple of times after which I put a stop to. I dont think that sleeping with him was a mistake, just not a very smart thing to do. He was between girlfriends and I was not seeing anyone, so I guess I will blame it on lonliness.

Anyways, I feel lately our friendship has taken on a very different tone. I am at the point where I am uncomfortable with it. He calls me all day long and we talk on average about 2 to 3 hours a day. It is not out of the ordinary for us to talk all day long. We are very close.

He was dating and recently broke up with his girlfriend. All my friends gave me a really hard time about it because he would call me more than he would call her and see me more than her. I went apartment hunting with him and I was the first person he called when he got the apartment he wanted. I knew all this before his girlfriend. I know for a fact that she didnt know about me or our friendship. I know that if I was in her position, I would not have been happy, especially with the tone half of our conversations took. I wouldnt say that he was cheating, but his heart was definetly not in it. He recently said that he would like us to start our "friends with benefits" relationship again. He is not a cheater (and I have never known him to be) but he said that with me it would be "different". (He cant explain why it would be different, it just would be) I told him I would not as long as he had a girlfriend...two day later, they broke up.

I feel guilty about their break up and feel it was partly my fault. I feel like he is expecting me to start this screwed up relationship again. I dont want to be "friends with benefits". I have told him that. I feel like that is one of those "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free" kinda things. I dont want a relationship with him and he swears up and down that he doesnt want one either. Although I suspect otherwise. I do have feelings for him and he has stated that he does for me too. I just dont think that pursing the relationship aspect of our friendship is a very smart thing to do right now(for other reasons). I know this but I just cant get myself to understand it.

I feel my jealousy is getting in the way of our friendship. We go out together and when he looks at or talks to other girls, I just want to melt but I cant because we are "friends". I have to constantly be strong and put a smile on my face. I cant talk to him about this...I feel it would complicate things more than they already are. I also feel it would screw up our friendship. He is the one person in my life that I can totally count on no matter what. I can talk to him about anything and he doesnt make me feel stupid. I have never had anyone in my life like this, not even in the guys I have previously dated.

I guess what I am asking is what should I do? Should I stop being friends with him until this passes or should I risk our friendship and tell him everything. I just dont know that I could bear losing him or his friendship. I am so confused right now and I feel it is affecting me and the relationships in my life.

Thanks for reading this far...I know that everything is kinda all over the place but it is a little hard to put all my thoughts down in words. Thanks for bearing with me.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 5:22pm
Two things stuck out at me. First you said that you can tell him anything, and then almost in the same breath you said you couldn't talk to him about this. Now, does that make sense?

You need to decide if you want him or not. If you don't want a relationship, then the conversations that turn R rated have to stop. No flirting. Nothing. He obviously wants more- probably just sex- but regardless, by talking to him about it, you're just leading him on. I'm sure it's not on purpose, but it happens. I can't tell you what to do, only you can decide that. I can tell you that being wishy washy with him will only complicate things further. Tell him what you're thinking and why you have reservations. It may be that you just lust after him, but you don't want a relationship. If that's true, he needs to know that so he doesn't confuse the signals. And again, if you don't want the FWB, you can't be talking about it either!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 5:43pm
If you're saying that you want an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative, romantic relationship with him...and he's asking for friends with benefits...and you don't know if you should continue "being friends''s your answer.

First, he doesn't want a relationship with you. Rarely does a guy who has had no obligation or responsibility to your needs and goals or to consider your feelings...desire to have the obligation, commitment, and responsiblity to compromise their needs and goals appropriately for yours. That is what a relationship demands if it is equality based and mutually beneficial.

He's basically a cheat. HE doesn't emotionally bond with the girlfriend - but he certainly gives her the impression of his emotional bond and commitment. But it's you he discusses his thoughts and goals with, it's you that he takes to apartment hunt, it's you he flirts with, it's you - that he has no obligation to, and who adores him completely - that he chooses to spend time with. Why? he doesn't obligation and responsibility in a committed relationship -he wants the fun, companionship, sex?, adoration and enjoyment of "lust".

He's now out of obligation completely to her...and he wanting resumption of benefits. In short, what we had where I had no obligation or commitment to you was great, (and part of why he thinks you're great is that you're willing to engage in this sort of liason), and I want that back now that we're not cheating on anybody, hurting anybody, etc. etc. etc.

But..he doesn't want to date. And so assess why it is that you would want to date him, when given the reality is that the minute he had obligations and responsibilities regarding you and your feelings, goals and needs...he'd find some other girl to hang out with, that he thought was cute, and who thought he was a hunk, an that he had no obligation to except to talk and to flirt, where she knew there was no possibility of anything except "what we have at this moment." FYI - most FWB and mistresses become those things flirting and empathizing with a "taken but misunderstood man".

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Their values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

Basically, what makes you two such a great team is that you're not a team - you're both desirous of the other, and willing to settle for wahtever of the other you can get. It's when he'd find himself obligated to give you more than he wants to in terms of compromise of his options, opportunities, and potential that he'd come to resent you.

Back off,stop being friends for 3 months, cease contact. That'll give you time to put your life back on track without "him at the core" or "him in the picture". It'll take your investment of time, energy, thoughts, and efforts off him...and onto you - where it all should be at this time anyway. And then, if there was truly a friendship that had no "attraction" as a base element - you can go back to being just friends.

And while you're in the period of no contact, you might define "friendship", so that you know what you're out to re-establish and that you have a gauge to determine whether you're in it with him or not. Generally, friends admire and respect one another based the values the other person holds, the successes they've achieved, the standards that they live by all the time. A friend wants the best for you as YOU determine that to be and their role is to applaud or criticize you appropriately as to the method that you're using to get it. Short definition - more to it than that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 6:15pm
What is going on here is that he needs you and feels clingy - healthy couples do not talk 2-3 hours a day and that doesn't necesarily reveal closeness but neediness and clinginess - also he is willing to cheat on a girlfriend - why wouldn't you be next since you were willing to sleep with him without a commitment and he is not offering you anything more than friends with benefits - sounds like he can only commit to a "nice girl" he is not attracted to and that sex for him is supposed to be naughty. Ewl. Also, "ewl" that you think you are worth so little that you would take his phone calls and continue your relationship with him.