Need some dating advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Need some dating advice!
16
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 6:21pm

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I need some advice so hoping you can help!  I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

Aiden and I have known each other for close to 10 years, by having common friends.  We didn't see each other that often though, just once in a while at the same party.  (He was married for part of that time, now divorced for 4 yrs.)  We reconnected at a party in April, and were doing a little flirting.  At the time, we were living an hour apart, but I was unemployed and actively seeking positions all over the Northeast.  In May, he was traveling a lot for work so we were emailing, and I got a job offer in a place that makes us 4 hours apart.  I took the job, and moved in early June.  Around that time, we started talking on the phone, and it was clearer there was romantic interest.

We finally met up for the weekend 2 weeks ago.  I traveled to him, mostly because the logistics were simpler.  We had quite a 30 hour date, which was a lot of fun.  We didn't have any serious conversation though about what dating looks like from over 200 miles away.  He did say that he doesn't want to rush the dating phase, and jump right into relationship phase.  Right after our weekend together, he left on a 10 day business trip overseas, and we had agreed to just use email during that time.  He got back this week, and I just can't tell where we are.......we had a nice hour long phone conversation, but it wasn't very flirty.  And he didn't mention getting together again. 

I really like him, and want to make plans to see each other again, but don't want to seem pushy.  And then there's the obvious question of what the heck are we doing starting a long distance relationship!?  In my head, I plan to move back to the general area where he lives eventually, and would consider that within 12-18 months.  But we haven't talked about that or anything.  

Thoughts?   I think I want some reassurance that he still "likes" me, even if we aren't exclusive.  I don't regret visiting him or anything, but it has turned me into a crazy obsessed woman, and I don't want to scare him off.

Pages

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 6:55pm

Where are you?  You are NOWHERE.  You met this man just 3 months ago, for ONE time.  You had some emails and phone calls from him, and then you went and hooked up with him, ONCE.   You are NOT dating.  Wake up.  Leave him alone.  If he IS interested, which I HIGHLY doubt, he will find a way to come and see you more often.  Untill or unless that happens, FORGET HIM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-25-2014 - 9:59pm

You really have to relax--it has only been 2 weeks, then he was gone and he just got back.  Plus you live 4 hrs. away from each other so it's not like he can just drop by for dinner.  I do not think you should be the one to suggest getting together again--if he really wants to see you, he will make that suggestion.  The point that he made about not rushing into a relationship, to me means that he wants to keep his options open--so you should too.  If you can't find anyone else to date right now, make sure you keep busy.  Since you just moved to a new place, you probably don't have as many (or maybe any) friends--so concentrate on doing things so that you will meet people and make new friends.  Join some meetup groups, do speed dating, join a gym, ask some coworkers (the female ones) about hanging out with you--anything so you are not sitting home obssessing about him.  The worst thing to do would be to mention that you would consider moving back to where he lives--that will scare him away, like you are already planning the wedding after one date.  I do think it's pretty common for women to start fantasizing about the future--I have to consciously keep myself from doing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 8:09am

Thanks, Music.  I know you're right, I do need to relax, and appreciate you putting that kindly.  Its obviously difficult being in a new place, I think I underestimated this move in many ways.  I have already done a few things with a Meetup group, and got invited to a party hosted by a woman at work next week, so I am getting started making friends.  I am trying a new exercise class later today too.  I do need to learn to be patient with everything, and I am grateful to have a job that I really enjoy.

Thanks for helping me get some perspective!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 11:30am
It is very tough not to start thinking about someone a lot- analyzing things, fantasizing, etc. But like music said, staying busy is the key. It sounds like you have a good start. I'm not sure why Sabr has to respond so harshly. Putting people down doesn't make your advice any more valid. It just makes you sound mean. Mean isn't ever necessary.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 12:48pm

It has been my experience that people who are building relationships in their heads out of a few weeks of phone and email contact, and one hook-up, are not influenced by polite conversation, nor soothing hand holding.  If they were seeing reality, they wouldn't be posting foolishness.  And IMHO, most times, a spoon full of sugar is a waste of time.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 1:42pm
So is a smack to the head with an insult. There's a happy medium. If your responses weren't always harsh, I'd just think it was the situation. But I've never read anything from you that wasn't anything short of insulting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 1:45pm

I don't believe it's ever a waste of time to be nice and consider another person's feelings unless they are being a jerk.  When people choose to ignore repeated consistent advice that is in their best interests, then I just give up on them and don't respond, but what is the point of starting out being mean and hurtful?  Consider the "golden rule."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 7:28pm

I have learned these tough lessons on my own, people telling me did no good. Can't understand why Sabrtooth, who is *supposedly* blissfully married, hangs out on this board to be nasty.  I suspect he/she/it has an agenda, and is not at all who they claim to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 7:31pm

Good for you!  Keep up the good work.  We all struggle with the same things at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2014
Sun, 07-27-2014 - 3:28am
So I suppose if man is interested he has to intent to connect with you, by email and phone at least. You should decide - do you really want to move closer to him? I don't believe in long distance relationship and I think if two peolple have an affair they should see each other IRL. My friend Rob once had long distance relationships - he met girl from another country on facebook or originclub.com or smthn like this, he told me thet he fell in love, he even visited her once but nothing more. He just met girl from his town and forget about girl from Ukraine.

Pages