Need some female reinforcement here......!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Need some female reinforcement here......!!
11
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 7:42pm

Hi All,

I hope this message finds you well and that you're enjoying your summer.  I read the posts quite frequently here but do not respond.......I have a new (good) job!! Woo hoo!! But my home PC is a bit buggy and so I can't post as often as I'd like.

So some of you might recall that I hooked up with a guy in my building......he is Eastern European and in a very bad situation (1 year separated from his ex, six year old child, plus the grandmother is here with no home care and often at his apartment).  Initially things were good but then he became quite possessive.....he mentioned a few things from his past (drugs) and other unsavoury things that were quite scary.  He also admitted that he wouldn't tell me the "whole truth" until much later.....likely until it was too late.  After 3 weeks of dating he was talking about moving in together (he mentioned buying a house in my name, due to his credit problems) and he wanted to insure a car under my name (umm.......NOOOO!!).  He made passing threats about "finding me wherever I go" and "dragging me out by my hair" if he saw me in a bar alone.

Needless to say, I ended it, and made it very clear that if anything happened to me, my dog (who he also passively threatened) or my car that there would be h*ll to pay.  After that, I did not hear from him (yes, if you remember, I did sleep with him on the first night, but he admitted that I was trying to leave and he basically tricked me into staying).  The main thing that made me end it was that one night he said he could have his ex-wife killed for $2k.

A week later, I texted him, wanting mostly to just smooth the situation over.  He invited me over for a coffee - I did go over - thinking we could talk in person properly.  He was acting like we were together again........I was confused.  We talked over the next couple of days but he was rude to me.  He asked me why I "not offer him his car" (to take him to a casino 2 hours away).  I tried to explain that I am not working and that I basically use my car for job interviews and grocery shopping, etc.  He then basically dumped me, saying that I did not understand his culture, he likes to go out (he is 26......I am 37), and that he might be travelling for work (all talk).  I should have just accepted it but I sent a couple of angry texts back that he was lying and deceiptful, etc........

Another week went by.......I felt awkward sometimes being in the building (he is on the next floor down and before all this I would frequently see him walking to the bus stop in the mornings when I walked my dog).  I texted him just to say - no hard feelings.  He responded and said yes, he is young and has a lot of problems - hopefully I will meet that perfect man.

Soo.......all was settled......I went to bed Sunday night and when I woke up on Monday morning he had texted me twice saying "I just need time to sort out my problems......" (the superintendent of our building is supposedly helping with this - licence issues, etc. but she is a different sort). 

I thought his family would hate me but on my first day of work his brother was outside (his parking spot is next to mine) and he knocked on the window to say hi.......I also saw him last night and he made a point of saying hello.

Also last night.........I was walking my dog and when I was walking back I glanced up (ex-Mr. Eastern European's window faces to the side of the building where I go)......I saw him watching me but when I looked up he looked away quickly.......

Anyhow.......my new job is a good distance from where I am now and I originally planned to move out, but I have looked at apartments in the area of my new job and they are $200-$250 more than my current apartment.......as such, I can't afford to move right now.  All is good and quiet right now, but I can't help but romanticize about the beginning (and the sex)......I know the things I've mentioned are *major* red flags, but it is tempting to text him.......(I know.....it's crazy......somehow my mom thinks this is some mixed up love story).........

PLEASE!! Convince me not to!! I have always been a strong woman........this situation is too mixed up.......!!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-19-2013 - 1:19pm

Yes you'd think that if someone was going to commit a crime that could land them in jail for the rest of their life, the fee would be at least in the tens of thousands.  So that makes me think the guy hadn't actually looked into this but was just spouting hot air--but who would even say something like that?  Is that the way to make a good impression on a woman you are trying to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2011
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 7:08pm

he said he could have his ex-wife killed for $2k.

That's it ?? That's the going rate ?  I guess with the state of the economy even professional wife killers are hurting. Or maybe that's a group deal.. I don't know.

No seriously, are you really that desperate or do you completely lack judgment to be even considering this ?




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 1:15pm

Mel,

I couldn't agree more w/the others.  Please stay far away from this guy.  His culture may be very different from ours, but I would steer clear of him.  As you said, you need your car for running errands around town & job interviews - not to tote him two hours away.  He needs a ride bad enough, he can reach out to someone else or he can save all his nickels, pennies, and dimes and buy a car.

And congrats on the new job!  If it were me, I'd start looking now for a place closer to where you work.  You're talking to someone who recently went through a move - three months to be exact.  Yes, it is stressful & expensive.  And honestly, I used my tax refund to cover my move & secure the place I'm living in now.  If you start looking now, you can get an idea of pricing and what you are looking for.  I had to move out of my old place because A.) it was getting too expensive to live there and B.) the commute to and from work was too stressful.  No one likes to move, that's just the bottom line.  But when a life change happens (such as your new job) and finding a place closer to your new job, just may be worth it in the end.  AND, you'll be far away from creepy guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 6:14pm
  1. Hi Glennfia,

 

Thanks for the heartfelt post.  You're absolutely right about being vulnerable.....unfortunately I wasn't working when I met him and he was very charming.  I guess it went beyond the usual concept of "dating" in North American culture......he was already calling me his future wife (and mother to his child) very early on.  I know that is odd, but I read somewhere that it is a cultural thing that these types of men are very family oriented and move quickly.  Somehow he promised me love and security......until I saw the underside and realized it was a huge mistake.  So......I guess being alone you think back to those early days (before I clued in!).  But, it's not an excuse and I know I have to cut this off at the legs now.......I guess that's why I was seeking reinforcement here on the board.

It's funny how men sense vulnerability.......I have been feeling down this week-end and I went out to get a new phone.......I stopped by my local pub and some man (after chatting casually chatting for 1 hour) asked me out to dinner tonight.  First he wanted to go to a steakhouse, but then he offered to take me to McDonald's across the street and "buy me a burger" lol.  After he left everyone was telling me that he was totally weird........we had a laugh about the McDonald's thing.  But, I had mentioned to him the situation in the building and I think he thought......wow......vulnerable woman.......time to POUNCE!! lol.  Anyhow, he did say I was lovely.......but that was coming from a total weirdo!! lol.

I did see Mr. Ex today for the first time.  There is another girl in the building who had a lot of issues with these guys and she wanted to move.  I happened to see her outside so I was chatting with her and asking her how she is finding things......she was just saying that these guys are joke and think they rule the building.  As it happens, Mr. Ex came out of the building with his son and grandmother.......he was friendly to her and said a small hello to me........it was very awkward.

Yes, thank you also for acknowledging that the home/work situation has been stressful.  I have been resisting moving but I think now I am really considering it.  It's difficult to get over these situations as it is but.......with the person (and many members of their family) living in the building, psychologically, it acts as a constant reminder.......

Thanks for the straight up advice everyone!! I needed it!!! I am glad I can always depend on my online community for honest, straightforward advice. :)

Sincerely,

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 12:39pm

Mel,

 I really do not intend to be snarky.  But it really concerns me that you actually do appear to be romanticizing this situation.  I don't know you, but my impression from reading your posts over the past few years is that you have had a great deal of stress in both the work arena and in your housing situation.  One can feel isolated, and grateful for *any* attention paid to us.  Please fight this tendency.  This man is relentless because he senses vulnerability in you. These kinds of guys used to stalk me, as well, when I was younger and more naive.  Now, they don't come near me as I am not ony older but they sense that I would not put up with their behavior for a microsecond. This man is a sleaze, and I would contact the police or get a restraining order if he continues this criminal action. Actually, since he has  threatened you, you should already have gone to the police.  I don't want to read about you in the news. This man is dangerous.

You are way too smart and too good for this.  Focus on your new job and ignore these people as much as you can. You are far better off with no male attention at all than this kind!  Hang in there, and hang tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:47pm

Hi,

I honestly was (and am) pissed off about the whole situation.  It's a long story but the super basically asked me to go to the party where this all started. 

Unfortunately I can't move and I just want to make sure I don't romanticize any aspect of this and fall back into the trap.  I hate seeing his apartment window when I take out my dog.......seeing inevitably if he is home or not......

Mel

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:38pm

Honestly, I had the same thought as Gleann. You're smarter than that. why aren't you just royally ticked off at the whole situation?  I would be. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 4:11pm

Hi Gleannfia,

Yes, unfortunately I'm deadly serious.  I know you've considered moving to my city but you and I would need to have a long chat about where you decide to settle!! There are some very interesting aspects to living here in certain areas......that's all I will say.

There is actually more to the story......the superintendent is married to his cousin (who is in Eastern Europe)......she would look out the window and text him when I came home (saw my car in the parking lot), etc.......I felt *very* uncomfortable and watched, especially with his cousin and brother in the building.  I guess the idea with his ex is that if you sponsor someone to come to Canada and they claim government benefits, you (as a Canadian) would have to pay them back.  He works with some very unscrupulous characters who have very little to lose so I think that's where the idea of "getting rid of the ex" arose.......I know it's all talk........

Nevertheless.......after I broke up with him and then (stupidly) went over for coffee a week later.......he asked me why I would text him saying not to hurt me or my dog......that we had only been dating for a month, but if it we were dating for two or three years then that would be different.......!! I think he was just covering his tracks and trying to backtrack on some of the threats he had made.....

I know this situation is bad......it has bad written all over it.......I just wish he lived down the street/block or something and I wouldn't have this constant reminder.  :(

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 9:02am

I have just one question, with all due respect:  Are you freaking serious?!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 8:07pm

Holy cow, my dear.  Stay far, far away from this guy.  Even if I were to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, and this is a BIG if, I still say "run, run, as fast as you can."  Not worth the risk. 

Have you ever watched "who in the bleep did I marry." These people were usually blind sided, but you have the red flags right in front of you.  Honestly, I would watch your back.  You can be cordial in the hallway, parking lot, etc. but that is it! 

No more texting!  No more coffee!  Cordial or friendly when you have to be and that is it.  I would not be alone with this man. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity

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