Need some female reinforcement here......!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Need some female reinforcement here......!!
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 7:42pm

Hi All,

I hope this message finds you well and that you're enjoying your summer.  I read the posts quite frequently here but do not respond.......I have a new (good) job!! Woo hoo!! But my home PC is a bit buggy and so I can't post as often as I'd like.

So some of you might recall that I hooked up with a guy in my building......he is Eastern European and in a very bad situation (1 year separated from his ex, six year old child, plus the grandmother is here with no home care and often at his apartment).  Initially things were good but then he became quite possessive.....he mentioned a few things from his past (drugs) and other unsavoury things that were quite scary.  He also admitted that he wouldn't tell me the "whole truth" until much later.....likely until it was too late.  After 3 weeks of dating he was talking about moving in together (he mentioned buying a house in my name, due to his credit problems) and he wanted to insure a car under my name (umm.......NOOOO!!).  He made passing threats about "finding me wherever I go" and "dragging me out by my hair" if he saw me in a bar alone.

Needless to say, I ended it, and made it very clear that if anything happened to me, my dog (who he also passively threatened) or my car that there would be h*ll to pay.  After that, I did not hear from him (yes, if you remember, I did sleep with him on the first night, but he admitted that I was trying to leave and he basically tricked me into staying).  The main thing that made me end it was that one night he said he could have his ex-wife killed for $2k.

A week later, I texted him, wanting mostly to just smooth the situation over.  He invited me over for a coffee - I did go over - thinking we could talk in person properly.  He was acting like we were together again........I was confused.  We talked over the next couple of days but he was rude to me.  He asked me why I "not offer him his car" (to take him to a casino 2 hours away).  I tried to explain that I am not working and that I basically use my car for job interviews and grocery shopping, etc.  He then basically dumped me, saying that I did not understand his culture, he likes to go out (he is 26......I am 37), and that he might be travelling for work (all talk).  I should have just accepted it but I sent a couple of angry texts back that he was lying and deceiptful, etc........

Another week went by.......I felt awkward sometimes being in the building (he is on the next floor down and before all this I would frequently see him walking to the bus stop in the mornings when I walked my dog).  I texted him just to say - no hard feelings.  He responded and said yes, he is young and has a lot of problems - hopefully I will meet that perfect man.

Soo.......all was settled......I went to bed Sunday night and when I woke up on Monday morning he had texted me twice saying "I just need time to sort out my problems......" (the superintendent of our building is supposedly helping with this - licence issues, etc. but she is a different sort). 

I thought his family would hate me but on my first day of work his brother was outside (his parking spot is next to mine) and he knocked on the window to say hi.......I also saw him last night and he made a point of saying hello.

Also last night.........I was walking my dog and when I was walking back I glanced up (ex-Mr. Eastern European's window faces to the side of the building where I go)......I saw him watching me but when I looked up he looked away quickly....... new job is a good distance from where I am now and I originally planned to move out, but I have looked at apartments in the area of my new job and they are $200-$250 more than my current such, I can't afford to move right now.  All is good and quiet right now, but I can't help but romanticize about the beginning (and the sex)......I know the things I've mentioned are *major* red flags, but it is tempting to text him.......(I's crazy......somehow my mom thinks this is some mixed up love story).........

PLEASE!! Convince me not to!! I have always been a strong woman........this situation is too mixed up.......!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 7:53pm

First congrats on the new job.  But I would stay far, far away from this guy.  He's a user at best and dangerous at worst.  What kind of person asks someone they hardly know to borrow their car for a 2 hour trip and wanting to move in together?  Probably someone with no money who hopes to take advantage of you.  And he basically told you already that he's not honest.  Seriously I would not even talk to the guy unless you have to like if you happen to walk by him, you have to say hi & sound pleasant, but I would never be alone with him.  He sounds really scary to me!