need your opinions please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
need your opinions please
13
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:21pm

So... I'm in a bit of a situation. I went to this post looking for an answer
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsinglelovi&msg=6128.1
but didn't find it there! So, here it is:

two precursors:

1) as you can see in that post above - I'm a bit impatient so normally I just make a move if I'm interested and then I have my answer knowing if he is interested or not.

2) remember I'm only a month out of my long-term relationship (and yet, it had been dead for quite awhile)

About 2 years ago (during one of my attempts to end long-term relationship) I approached my brother about one of his friends. I'd met "Jeff" and had been around him alittle because of my brother (Jeff is my brother's good friend) and I just had this "feeling". So I asked my brother one night "what would you think of me trying to hook up with Jeff?" He pretty much poo-pooed it and kinda made me feel like (or I made me feel like) I was his little sister with a crush on one of his friends... just made me feel small and silly. He told me he really didn't think Jeff and I had the same ideas as far as relationships go and another thing he pointed out is that Jeff is just as, if not more, into being fit than my brother is (which is really fit) and so in a side-ways way pretty much meant he didn't think Jeff would want to be with someone who wasn't "fit". maybe I took it all too personal but overall it was not positive and even though I was thinking about Jeff alot then and had ways to get in touch with him if I really wanted... I realized it wasn't the best idea and eventually got over it. I really didn't see Jeff much over the last two years.

On my brother's birthday, January 25th, I was set to meet my mother and brother at this little eatery for my brother's birthday dinner. I show up and who is already there... my mom and Jeff! Apparently, my brother had run into him at that the gym and asked if he wanted to eat with us. This was only 1 week after things with the ex had gone south and I looked like CRAP that night... not thinking I'd see anyone but family. And while it did get my heart racing a bit to see Jeff was joining us... I really didn't put much thought into it (or I didn't think I was) because I had the ex on the brain, had the fact that things could never go anywhere with Jeff anyway in the back of my head and well... just an overall feeling that I'd imagined the "feeling" way back when. Dinner was good and when Jeff and I were sitting at the table just the two of us he asked about my relationship. I informed him we weren't talking anymore (didn't indulge with the fact that it'd only been a week LOL). But overall the conversations were just cordial. After dinner we'd all decided to go by Jeff's house that he'd just bought. So... we went over there to check it out - cute LITTLE house. I really enjoyed seeing Jeff's space! But tried not to be too giddy and silly. Of course never wanting to give off the impression to my brother that I STILL thought his friend was adorable and wished I could investigate it... oh well. Left that night and thoughts of Jeff have resurfaced perpetually over the last couple weeks.

Ready for this?

So... Wed. I get an email from my mom. She'd gone by that little eatery after a doctor's appointment (it's a very unique place and kind of a hidden jewel place to eat). Her email says "someone asked about you today" and when she mentioned where she was - I knew! Of course when I talked to her that evening I played it off like one of the workers there were asking - didn't want to lead on to how enticed I was!

She went on to tell me he was asking all kinds of questions like how I was doing and if the ex had reentered the picture - she said to him "why don't you call her and ask her yourself?" which I'm totally glad she said that because normally she gives away the ranch when it comes to talking about my life. So... he said "I might just - first I have to talk to" my brother. And apparently she'd already been through this with him the night of my brother's birthday. When I arrived mom and Jeff were the only two there - my brother had run home to shower. And apparently he'd quizzed her that night too... and she'd told him she really thought the ex and I were just like "running buddies", someone to do something with - and he said he understood because he kind of has someone like that in his life (and when my brother was asking him about the flowers on his kitchen table - and I said "you buy yourself flowers" he said "no... no they're from someone"... and got away from that convo real quick).

So... that was this past Wed. - I guess I'm kinda surprised I haven't heard anything but I'm trying to just wait... it's kinda nice to think of someone coming to me and seeking me out. Sure it'd be real easy for me to find a way to take the initiative but I'm waiting... I guess.

But yesterday I called my brother... I'm like "so did you successfully talk Jeff out of any interest in me?" he's like "what? no" I said "so do you think it's weird that he's asking you now - after I did two years ago?" he's like "no I don't care" basically being as NONCHALANT as possible. I said "you don't think this ironic?" he said "No - I don't think much about it at all!" He told me Jeff hasn't talked to him yet and when I said "mom said you were shocked when she told you" he's like "i guess whatever" and I said "it just blows your mind anyone could possibly find me attractive..." he's like "no I just think that your idea of a relationship and my idea of a relationship are very different and I think my friends kinda think the same way I do so I just don't see it working out" and I said something like "why does it have to be a relationship" (trying to obviously down play things! :( ). He's like "whatever" so I changed the subject.

I think it's so sad. it hurts that my brother wouldn't be HAPPY one of his friends is interested in his sister. course I can see why it would bother him and yet... still!

nonetheless, I wonder if he'll talk Jeff out of any interest in me - or say just the right thing that will make Jeff opt to not contact me. I guess if that's the case - that's the case but... it just sucks! Plus, I hate the fact that I know... cause I'm anticipating his call... kinda eager! Just writing all this gets me worked up and excited at the fact that after all this time... maybe!!!!!

What do you think - any thoughts on all this? My brother, Jeff, what I should do?

Sorry this was so long! I'm eager to see what you all think?

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:36pm

My take is between adults it does no good to put your brother in the middle. If Jeff is interested then he knows how to get a hold of you. Your brother's opinion is irrelevant if Jeff wants to date you or not. It sounds like right now Jeff is not interested enough (or has the courage) to ask you out. Jeff should be adult enough to make his own decisions to ask you out or not. Gosh darn, it's only a date.. not a life long commitment.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:44pm

Mark - thanks so much for your reply! I agree with you for the most part. It has kinda started to annoy me that he had to get my brother's approval first... and yet, I can understand him not wanting to piss off my brother. They are pretty good friends and have discussed business ventures with each other. So, if Jeff and I dated and things ended - everyone obviously doesn't want things to be odd. Then again we are all adults and could surely move forward as such.

I'd also like to *think* the reason Jeff is taking such care with this whole situation is because he DOES like me more than just a fling or "a date" - obviously he and I have kept each other in the back of our heads these few years... and I'm hoping (as I often do - and should probably learn from the past that I shouldn't) he sees more in me than just something short-term. Obviously we can't know for sure until we do date.

So basically your feeling is - if he hasn't bucked up and called me himself - to not waste any time on it - or take the initiative?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 8:40pm

It sounds to me that your brother knows Jeff's true intentions and that maybe he is trying to save some drama. Jeff may just want one date for one night only. Your brother knows about your long term crush on this guy. That could cause alot of hurt feelings all the way around. Plus, I don't know any brother who is comfortable talking about sex with his sis. It does bother me though about the "definition of relationship' being diffeerent between Jeff and yourself. I would want to know what that little comment meant. I mean, having a two year crush on a guy makes it awful hard to play it cool. Say his intentions are pure...this has been happening for 2 years and now Mom is in the mix! This puts alot of pressure on that date. Could be that Jeff is just weighing a friendship with your brother or a relationship with you?

Better just sit tight and see what develops-Jeff may be cute and exciting but blood is blood....

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 9:05pm

I think you need to calm down a bit about it.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 11:53pm

Yes my take is - if he hasn't bucked up and called me himself - to not waste any time on it. Would you want to be wanted enough for the man to make the effort to take the initiative? to have that courage? to take a little "risk" (and I am using that word facetiously)?

You can speculate all you want on why he does not want to ask you out but the bottom line he has not asked you. I find it more peaceful and productive to live my life on focusing on my life and creating relationships rather than hoping someone calls me.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:51am

"It sounds to me that your brother knows Jeff's true intentions and that maybe he is trying to save some drama. Jeff may just want one date for one night only. Your brother knows about your long term crush on this guy. That could cause alot of hurt feelings all the way around. Plus, I don't know any brother who is comfortable talking about sex with his sis. It does bother me though about the "definition of relationship' being diffeerent between Jeff and yourself. I would want to know what that little comment meant. I mean, having a two year crush on a guy makes it awful hard to play it cool. Say his intentions are pure...this has been happening for 2 years and now Mom is in the mix! This puts alot of pressure on that date. Could be that Jeff is just weighing a friendship with your brother or a relationship with you?

Better just sit tight and see what develops-Jeff may be cute and exciting but blood is blood...."

You truly give my brother too much credit for being concerned with my well being!

It's hard to get opinions about this kind of stuff because so much is unknown... i.e., my brother has been POed with Jeff before because when Jeff gets a girlfriend he actually spends time with her and my brother thinks "guy friends come before girls". So... that's where my brother thinks his and my ideas of relationships are different. My brother is of the mindset that relationships are there for Sat. nights... relationships to me are a lifestyle change. Do you give up your guy friends - hell no! But... if Jeff enjoys spending time with his girlfriend... that's sorta unacceptable to my brother. Anyway... I don't think my guy radar is so bad that I couldn't spot a player if I saw one. So, while Jeff might be just as interested in a sexual relationship with me as I am with him - I don't think that is the only thing he'd be after.

and I've not had a 2 year crush on the guy. I've not really been around him much the last two years. but yes it was two years ago, that I had an interest (not a crush) on him.

And you're right... it DOES put alot of pressure on anything between Jeff and me - I've actually thought about that - and I'm glad you brought it up! :)

blood is blood - but why is this such a BIG deal!? (because it involves my brother - that's why! sheesh).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:56am

"I think you need to calm down a bit about it. As I see it, he asked about how you were doing. That's about it. Don't let what your mom brought into it or what you want cloud what the facts are. If he calls, fine, if he doesn't, then you haven't wasted any time. Plus, it may not be that he wants to get approval from your brother. He might be asking if you are over the ex or if you're a nutcase or something.

Just try not to have any expectations, because that's what makes the downfall so hard."

You think I need to calm down a bit? what did I say that you took as me being worked up? by asking for opinions?

He didn't just ask about how I was - he asked if I was with the ex - he told my mother he'd been thinking about me alot... etc.

Your post struck me wrong (or if you're a nutcase) - then again I'm just tired. But I agree that I need to keep expectations in check... it's more about whether of not I let an opportunity pass me by, by "waiting" or do I take the initiative that I'm confident in doing and do it!

Thanks for your post though!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:58am

Mark - I agree with what you say! I'm definitely not going to sit around worrying whether or not he calls - that's why I'm the type that doesn't wait... I'm totally capable and confident enough to approach him... but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea! But I agree I'd rather a man put himself out there alittle for me - so... if this one doesn't... I'll "wait" for one that will! :)

Thanks!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 11:53am

This is what made me see you as worked up:


Just writing all this gets me worked up and excited at the fact that after all this time... maybe!!!!!

I don't know if it could get any clearer than that.


In addition, you've obviously analyzed small details of the situation, and I know that when I do that, I'm way more invested in the outcome than I should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:19am

I haven't read what everyone else has written so I may or may not be repeating what someone has already said, or I may way out in left field. I do not know specifically what kind of relationship you have with your brother, so I am probably going to be making a few assumptions. I have two brothers myself, and I know without a doubt that it is HIGHLY unlikely that my brother's would want me to date one of their friends. I am very close with both of my brother's, so I know that them not wanting me to date one of their friends has nothing to do with me. It has to do with the fact that my brothers know their friends too well, and they do not want to see their sister with a guy they know that well. In my case the less my brothers know about a guy the better off they are because in their eyes there is no guy good enough for their sister. Now I know my brothers will eventually get used to the idea that their sister is having sex, and will be getting married, etc.,but I know that if I came home one day and said hey I want to date one of their friends they would try to talk me out of it. Now me being me I would just go for it and my brothers know this, so they would probably be as politically correct as possible.

I could go on for pages and pages, but basically what I am trying to tell you is I don't think your brother is trying to imply that you are not good enough for your friend, maybe he is just trying to protect you from the type of guy his friend is. I imagine your brother does not want to see you hurt, and because he knows his friend the way that I imagine he does he is afraid that he will hurt you. I am lucky because I have such an excellent rapport with my brothers that I would just ask them why they didn't want me to date one of their friends and they would tell me the truth, and I know their answer would likely be that their friend doesn't treat women well or something along those lines, so give yourself a break, and your brother a break and just go for it and see what happens.

Good luck!

Leigh

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