need your opinions please
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| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:21pm |
So... I'm in a bit of a situation. I went to this post looking for an answer
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsinglelovi&msg=6128.1
but didn't find it there! So, here it is:
two precursors:
1) as you can see in that post above - I'm a bit impatient so normally I just make a move if I'm interested and then I have my answer knowing if he is interested or not.
2) remember I'm only a month out of my long-term relationship (and yet, it had been dead for quite awhile)
About 2 years ago (during one of my attempts to end long-term relationship) I approached my brother about one of his friends. I'd met "Jeff" and had been around him alittle because of my brother (Jeff is my brother's good friend) and I just had this "feeling". So I asked my brother one night "what would you think of me trying to hook up with Jeff?" He pretty much poo-pooed it and kinda made me feel like (or I made me feel like) I was his little sister with a crush on one of his friends... just made me feel small and silly. He told me he really didn't think Jeff and I had the same ideas as far as relationships go and another thing he pointed out is that Jeff is just as, if not more, into being fit than my brother is (which is really fit) and so in a side-ways way pretty much meant he didn't think Jeff would want to be with someone who wasn't "fit". maybe I took it all too personal but overall it was not positive and even though I was thinking about Jeff alot then and had ways to get in touch with him if I really wanted... I realized it wasn't the best idea and eventually got over it. I really didn't see Jeff much over the last two years.
On my brother's birthday, January 25th, I was set to meet my mother and brother at this little eatery for my brother's birthday dinner. I show up and who is already there... my mom and Jeff! Apparently, my brother had run into him at that the gym and asked if he wanted to eat with us. This was only 1 week after things with the ex had gone south and I looked like CRAP that night... not thinking I'd see anyone but family. And while it did get my heart racing a bit to see Jeff was joining us... I really didn't put much thought into it (or I didn't think I was) because I had the ex on the brain, had the fact that things could never go anywhere with Jeff anyway in the back of my head and well... just an overall feeling that I'd imagined the "feeling" way back when. Dinner was good and when Jeff and I were sitting at the table just the two of us he asked about my relationship. I informed him we weren't talking anymore (didn't indulge with the fact that it'd only been a week LOL). But overall the conversations were just cordial. After dinner we'd all decided to go by Jeff's house that he'd just bought. So... we went over there to check it out - cute LITTLE house. I really enjoyed seeing Jeff's space! But tried not to be too giddy and silly. Of course never wanting to give off the impression to my brother that I STILL thought his friend was adorable and wished I could investigate it... oh well. Left that night and thoughts of Jeff have resurfaced perpetually over the last couple weeks.
Ready for this?
So... Wed. I get an email from my mom. She'd gone by that little eatery after a doctor's appointment (it's a very unique place and kind of a hidden jewel place to eat). Her email says "someone asked about you today" and when she mentioned where she was - I knew! Of course when I talked to her that evening I played it off like one of the workers there were asking - didn't want to lead on to how enticed I was!
She went on to tell me he was asking all kinds of questions like how I was doing and if the ex had reentered the picture - she said to him "why don't you call her and ask her yourself?" which I'm totally glad she said that because normally she gives away the ranch when it comes to talking about my life. So... he said "I might just - first I have to talk to" my brother. And apparently she'd already been through this with him the night of my brother's birthday. When I arrived mom and Jeff were the only two there - my brother had run home to shower. And apparently he'd quizzed her that night too... and she'd told him she really thought the ex and I were just like "running buddies", someone to do something with - and he said he understood because he kind of has someone like that in his life (and when my brother was asking him about the flowers on his kitchen table - and I said "you buy yourself flowers" he said "no... no they're from someone"... and got away from that convo real quick).
So... that was this past Wed. - I guess I'm kinda surprised I haven't heard anything but I'm trying to just wait... it's kinda nice to think of someone coming to me and seeking me out. Sure it'd be real easy for me to find a way to take the initiative but I'm waiting... I guess.
But yesterday I called my brother... I'm like "so did you successfully talk Jeff out of any interest in me?" he's like "what? no" I said "so do you think it's weird that he's asking you now - after I did two years ago?" he's like "no I don't care" basically being as NONCHALANT as possible. I said "you don't think this ironic?" he said "No - I don't think much about it at all!" He told me Jeff hasn't talked to him yet and when I said "mom said you were shocked when she told you" he's like "i guess whatever" and I said "it just blows your mind anyone could possibly find me attractive..." he's like "no I just think that your idea of a relationship and my idea of a relationship are very different and I think my friends kinda think the same way I do so I just don't see it working out" and I said something like "why does it have to be a relationship" (trying to obviously down play things! :( ). He's like "whatever" so I changed the subject.
I think it's so sad. it hurts that my brother wouldn't be HAPPY one of his friends is interested in his sister. course I can see why it would bother him and yet... still!
nonetheless, I wonder if he'll talk Jeff out of any interest in me - or say just the right thing that will make Jeff opt to not contact me. I guess if that's the case - that's the case but... it just sucks! Plus, I hate the fact that I know... cause I'm anticipating his call... kinda eager! Just writing all this gets me worked up and excited at the fact that after all this time... maybe!!!!!
What do you think - any thoughts on all this? My brother, Jeff, what I should do?
Sorry this was so long! I'm eager to see what you all think?

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Wow that was wild - you totally threw me for a loop there at the end of your message. I felt like you were making a point as to why to just stay away from "brother's friends" and then you're like "just go for it and see what happens".
I really wish my brother and I had the kind of relationship where I could talk to him about this but I know if I even tried to broach the subject with him he'd be irritated and pissy. He just doesn't want me to be interested in his friends PERIOD and for the most part I'm usually not... although back in high school I can't say they weren't interested in me! :p
Anyway... thanks for your perspective. I intend to wait till Wed. evening and then all bets are off! :p
TallCOgirl... where are you? I was hoping to see a reply from you! :)
The fact that you say your brother would be irritated and pissy speaks volumes right there.
My brother is younger than me so I would have never been interested in his friends in the first place. But I can most assuredly say that had my little brother been interested in one of my girlfriends, I would have told him not to pursue them. Could I have stopped him? No. But I would surely hope my brother would respect my wishes and not went after one of my friends. And I would certainly hope that my friends would have turned him down if he would have come after them.
And maybe your brother is looking out for your better interests. Of all people, our friends are usually pretty good about making judgements about us. Maybe this guy has something about him that your brother doesn't want you getting mixed up in. Remember, just cuz we have our friends doesnt mean there isnt stuff about them that bugs us or character flaws that we wouldnt want exposed to other people we know. As an example, maybe the guy is a total player, hits on all the girls, goes home with any girl anytime and your brother knows this and doesn't want you mixed up with him.
Blood is blood. Friendships are friendships. I don't mix the two because it can cause problems between it all and I'm stuck in the middle. Don't put your brother in the middle of it. Its not fair to him.
Rubyshoes
Sorry for chiming in a bit late...
I don't have any brothers, so I'm not sure how brother/sister dynamics work. I DO have a brother-in-law who has been with my sister since I was 11, so I was trying to picture this situation with him in mind. He tries very hard to stay out of my personal life for fear of making me cry (yes - he's known me since puberty, so there's good reason).
Based on that, I would suspect your brother doesn't want to have anything to do with your romantic life. He might be afraid of being held responsible if he got involved now and things didn't work out. It makes it even worse when it's a friend of his -- he doesn't want to lose a friend, or see his sister hurt.
As for Jeff, this sounds like a fairly awkward situation for him now. He might be backing off a little to "play it cool." Especially after the chat with your mom. (I can only imagine what my mother would say to a guy she knew I liked - I'm hoping your mom has a better filter than mine.) :) He might be feeling pressured by the whole situation.
So, I am of the opinion that you should leave your brother and your mom out of the loop. This is really between you and Jeff anyway. (Believe me, I understand the draw of having every bit of information possible -- but the whole thing will be better if it's left between you and the guy).
If Jeff wants to call you, he's a big boy and can call. Give it some time. Patience is really difficult - but good things do come to those who wait.
In the meantime, try not to focus on him. Live your life, go out with other people, enjoy. If he's still interested after two years, another couple of weeks won't kill it.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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