Needs in Relationships

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Needs in Relationships
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 11:03am
In one of my classes yesterday, we learned about three basic needs for heathly relationships. She said that we must have these three things in order to have good relationships with other people. Tell me what you think.

Inclusion: We must feel part of something, and people who don't have this will often fear being abandoned or left out. This was the most important one.

Control: We must feel like we have some control over our lives. This doesn't mean being a control freak.

Affection: We must love and feel loved.

Do you think these three things hold true? Is there anything you might add? Do you think you are missing any of them?

I know that I am missing the inclusion part b/c I often feel left out, even if I'm just imagining it. I've tried to make myself part of something, but so far I haven't found a place where I fit in. Taking classes is helping me.

I've got the control thing down...maybe too well at times!

If I need affection, I know I can go home. It's not the same as having a man's affection, but it works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 3:41pm
How about as a 4th, Respect for yourself and the other person?

That "Inclusion" one and your thoughts on it is so universal, yet even knowing that doesn't help any of us, ya know? I totally understand what you said though!!! I can feel completely isolated and alone in a group of 20 people I know at my own birthday party... I remember telling a friend once about how I was supposed to be a twin (died in utero), and she asked me about how twins are supposed to have that link to each other, and did I ever feel like I was missing something or someone? How do you answer that, ya know? I said I had no idea, because I have nothing to compare my feelings to.... hmm, just thinking out loud. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 12:34pm
ah, these are 3 for generic relationshps, right?

inclusion: yeah, i agree with this one. humans are social animals afterall - and its important for us to feel needed by others.

control: ie. freedom. hmmm... this one's tricky. soldiers in the army don't have control. yet, they can have healthy relationships with their superior officers. ditto between children and parents.

affection: again, not totally necessary for a healthy relationship.

or are these needs for romantic relationships? in that case, you might wanna include communication, empathy, and sexual compatibility to that list...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:27pm
I was just thinking about affection the other day. I rarely feel it. I rarely feel the need to give it. In fact, its been my greatest indicator of "chemistry" if I find myself wanting to show affection. Its kind of confusing tho. When you feel affectionate towards someone you shouldn't. You can't help but wonder why you would...and why you couldn't with that nice, cute guy you were dating but had to end things with.

My greatest need in a r/ship is TALK. I like to discuss, debate and share lessons about life. Thats why I come to places like this - I am desperate for that. Friends are ok, but there is so much left unsaid. There are boundaries I don't want to have in a r/ship. There is a fear of judgement that holds them back - not so when you love ppl in a romantic r/ship. Talk is how you bond. Without meaningful (not small talk) conversation, I feel empty and lonely.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:36pm
I agree with all three; I think they are the basis for all relationships.

Personally, I don't think I truly inclusion and affection in my life. Even with my family, I feel like the odd man out. I know they love me, but I don't think they know how to relate to me to show me affection.

As far as partner inclusion and affection. I have had affection, but I think my past relationships have been where both he and I were looking to get instead of a give or give/get relationship. When it is a get relationship, even if both want to get, inclusion is not there because we (he/I) don't think of the other only of what we are going to get even if it is masked as caring.

Control is easy; I do what I want when I want.