Never thought it would be this hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Never thought it would be this hard
6
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 5:34pm

After my divorce I decided to take time to be on my own.  I felt I needed that experience as well as needed to find myself again.  And then unexpectedly MB came in my life and showed me that I missed having someone in my life so I decided to start getting myself out there a bit. This whole OLD crap really gets to me sometimes.  I've been talking with a man and we seemed to hit if off well.  A lot in common, good & long phone conversations.  He pushed to meet and I agreed. We were supposed to meet today after work.  Well he didn't contact me last night to confirm so I sent him a text this morning asking if we were still on. This was his reply: good morning, hope you're doing well. Unfortunately I met somebody else and we did meet I would like to see where it goes sorry for the timing take care.  Okkkkkkkkkk (and why is meeting someone else unfortunate? lol).  So if in fact that is true good for him.  What irks me is that if I had not contacted him he probably would have left me sitting at the restaurant waiting for him. I think that because I texted him right before he started work and I know from conversation that he cannot take his phone in with him.  I'm glad I found out he was a jerk before I vested any more time but still it is pretty frustrating. When I first starting "looking" about 8 months ago I honestly thought I'd have a boyfriend by now.  My thoughts today are just to throw in the towel but I know in a day or two I'll be back looking again.  All because I feel that if I go through 100 bad scenarios but come up with one good man it will all be worth it.  But is it even logical to think that at 52 there is such an available man left?  After the scammers, the rapist scare, the drunks, etc. that I've been finding when does one say to he** with it and finally give up?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 7:27pm

I think you have to keep reminding yourself that you aren't alone.  There are gorgeous movie stars around your age (think Sandra Bullock) who are in the same boat.  I know that doesn't help change the fact that you DO want a mate and just can't find him, but I think you sometimes do have to be okay with the cards you are dealt - not that you have to stop looking but don't base your happiness around who you're meeting or who you aren't . . . try to make the best of what your life is the way it is now, you know?  If you meet someone then it'll just be icing on the cake.  I also think there's something appealing to men about a woman who isn't really looking . . . a woman who's out there "doing it" enjoying all that life has to offer in spite of the fact that she may not have a plus one to every single event she attends.  It's sexy!  Hang in there :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 10:57am

Ok I accidentally erased my first try at replying and dont' feel like rewriting it.  To condense, I'd say that when I was dating at 40-ish after my first divorce, it was a lot easier to find a guy than it has been since my 2nd divorce when I'm now in my 50's.  I've been divorced for 5 yrs and haven't had a BF yet and not for lack of looking.  I did the OLD on & off with no success at all.  I can't believe how few men I've met.  I did it when I was in my 40's and met a lot of guys--not that any of them worked out for more than a few dates, but at least I was getting dates.  I was very surprised that it was so hard this time.  My looks haven't changed that much--in fact, on my old profile, I didn't even have pictures.  You can ask all the women on this board who are over 50 and it's hard for everybody.  I finally decided to give up on OLD and just go out & do things that I want to do.  I am not focusing on meeting a man even though I'd still like to.  I just don't want to put a lot of energy into it and feel disappointed all the time.  Since one of my big interests is dancing, I go to dances and do meet and talk to men that way--at least I'm out there having fun and since I'm a pretty good dancer, I usually get asked to dance a lot when it's a type of dance where the focus is on the actual dancing. In those cases, it doesn't really matter what you look like so much as how well you can dance.  When I go to swing or salsa dances, I can dance with guys in their 20's on up.  But if I go to a singles dance, the pickings are pretty slim and I find it boring.  (I have to laugh that the local singles organization advertises that the dances are for ages 35-60 and the last dance I went to, it was hard to find men under age 65).  So I'd say to keep trying OLD or meetups or singles dances or whatever you want to do to try to find someone but just don't make it the focus of your whole life because that's when it gets frustrating.  Make some single girlfriends so you have things to do.  I find that I still have a good time going to a movie and going out to eat with the girls.  Of course I would still like to find a man for obvious reasons but I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about it.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 5:48pm

No matter what your age is, I think that if you want to find someone special, then I don't think you should ever give up. I agree with everything Musiclover said about finding things you like to do for fun, and find some single girlfriends.

OLD is not for the fainthearted. You can't take anything personally. And I don't care how much you think you are clicking with someone, it means nothing until you meet. And even then, one of you could like the other waaaay more. But this can happen in real life too. Because OLD is anonymous (at first) people behave in ways they wouldn't in real life. It's just how it is. But it does get to you and it got to me. I did it so long that I became an expert at it, and even then, it was disheartening. I quit again in September. I considered trying eHarmony at the beginning of the year since I've never tried it (just match and POF) but I just can't get motivated to do it. This is not to say that I didn't meet some nice guys. I actually still go out occassionally with one I met four years ago, but we're more like friends and have never slept together. 

Everyone gets discouraged. I think it's important to take breaks. I could never relate to those articles where women met 100 men. First of all, I could never find 100 men that I would even want to have a cup of coffee with, but who has that kind of energy? I sure don't. I think meeting someone special is a bit mysterious...I don't think it's a step-by-step bulleted list or a procedure, or something you have to turn into a second job. You can't control it, regardless of whether you meet 100 or 10 men. 

And this is for Musiclover and everyone else who types a long reply then loses it: when you're done with your reply, select all and copy. You can then paste it back in the reply when you lose it (which you inevitably will with this poor, broken-down message board). 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 10:18pm

I actually found EHarmony to be the worst of the dating sites.  It might be different for you, but I was told that it's important to highlight the things that are very important to you (there is a scale).  It takes forever to answer all the questions to do the profile.  Anyway, 2 of the things that are very imporatnt to me are distance and age.  So at first I'd be getting 7-9 guys a day.  Then days would go by & I wouldn't get anyone.  Then I'd be getting guys who were outside of my criteria--usually too old and/or too far away or people who were very strange picks--not at all what I was looking for.  I couldn't figure out the numbers--since I was a new user, I wouldn't think they would run out of guys in a week or 2--didn't they have guys on there who had been on there forever?  Give them to the "new girl."  In the 3 months I was on there, I actually only got into one email conversation, which lasted all of one day.  I guess he must have been bored at home and then forgot about me, which was disappointing because he sounded quite interesting.  I did email a few guys but none of them responded and I got messages from a few guys who I didn't  like--but I just didn't like the fact that I couldn't choose who I liked.  Sometimes you just respond to someone who isn't your "type."  Maybe you can try it on the free communication weekends they have but I do think when you do that, you can't see pictures--who wants that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sat, 01-11-2014 - 5:07pm

I totally agree that I have to be happy on my own.  And I was/am. Actually November of 2012 I was perfectly happy and a man was the farthest thing from my mind.  But then you meet people and it changes things.  This is actually the best place I've been in my life for a long time; good job, out of a marriage that was more bad than good, advancing on my house, son growing up, etc.  I just miss sharing the happiness you know?  And as lonely as I am I still say it's better to be alone then to be stuck with the wrong person.  Like everyone I have good and bad days. To be honest I am a little "broken" from being hurt and betrayed so many times and it will be difficult to find someone who can deal with me because I tend to put up walls that are hard to break through which in turn will push them away.  MB is the first person that I have really let in at all which is pretty funny since we haven't gone beyond friends. But that's because he was persistant, I'm a "hard nut to crack" he says of me. I'm working on just doing my thing and trying not to worry about a man.  I'll get there, it's just going to take some time. And the support and opportunity to vent here is always helpful....thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 11:13pm

florida girl and everyone here,

Yeah, I haven't met any man I'm interested in for 6 months, let alone 100 men. Where do these women go to meet that many interested men: prison? the military base?

my standards are higher than most since I'm a doctor. I have a profile on okcupid. I listed I want kids. I got a few emails from those who do'nt want children (and that incldue guys who already had or never had children).  My expectations may not be realistic since I'm 47. It's still possible. If not it's OK too but I want to at least try.

I understand about taking breaks and all that but boy I don't know why lately my desire to be in a R/S has waxed.

I understand it may take years between men since I'm not that lucky but now I don't have much time left and I'm not good at being happy completely alone at home. I would need to at least go out with a girlfriend or something. Lately had been going to lots of meetup things with my gf.

Interesting thing, last meetup mingle I went to, with my gf was such a dud. Most were young. First we met an older (50-ish) well-dressed type and a 30 yo asian guy. The old guy quickly bolted. THe  young one stuck around for a while talking to me. Well, too young, voice over actor. Then he left. 

Then we stood to the side to observe, got approached by an ugly guy. After that one, a young guy approached me, 31 yo, nerdy but cute and successful business owner from the sound of it. He was actually pretty cool. But again too young and probably not too intersted even though we talked for a long time. While I was talking to the young guy, my friend got approached by a good looking lawyer who told her this party was a dud.

We didn't stay long. Oh, well. After a while those parties get boring too.