New to the dating scene...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New to the dating scene...
8
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 6:27pm
Hi. I've been divorced 1 1/2 yrs and recently signed up for match.com. A guy from a town 30 minutes away emailed me about 2 weeks ago. Seemed very nice. We have alot in common. After a week of emails he asked for my number. He called a week ago Friday and we talked on the phone for 2 1/2 hrs!! Then this past Monday he asked if we could meet. We set up a mutual place to have dinner on Wednesday. Everything was great. I felt very comfortable with him. We went back to my house and watched alittle tv. All thru dinner we played 20 Questions with each other. After a few drinks the questions turned sexual. I went along with it, thinking 'okay flirting is fun'. But when we were at my house he wanted to show me a free porn site where he looks at pictures. Again, I went along with it. I told him it wasn't something I really enjoyed. Nothing else happened. He didn't pressure me into sex or anything like that. We did kiss. I don't really know why I went along with all of the sex talk because I'm thinking that wasn't 'first date' appropriate. I just don't know what to think. Is this guy a pervert? We've emailed several times since our date and he wants to see me again. Any advice? This is my first dating experience since being single again.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 7:32pm

He's after sex, and only sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 7:49pm
Talking about sex so early is not a good sign - even if he otherwise behaved like a perfect gentlemen. I would advise not to go out with him again. He might keep his hands to himself for quite a while but in the back of his mind he'll always be waiting for the right opportunity.

He's not necessarily a pervert but he's certainly not into developing a serious relationship based on mutual respect. I've encountered similar scenarios so I'm speaking from experience. These men are slick. Often they also present a side of themselves that is very desireable and they appear to show genuine interest in you as a person - but it's all part of their game.

Also, I agree with shywon. Don't invite a man to your house or go to his house until you've gone out several times. In all probability nothing bad will happen - but why take the risk?

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:54am
He's looking for sex, not a relationship. It sounds like you are looking for a relationship, so I would decline a second date w/this guy, stop writing to him, and find someone else.

There are guys on the online dating sites who are only there for sex. How can you spot them? If they do any of the following, they are probably only looking for sex:

*post a picture of them w/o a shirt on

*ask you to come to their house, or to come inside your house on a first or second date

*mention sex AT ALL in emails, on the phone, or on the first few dates

I think it goes w/o saying that if they show you porn sites, they want sex.

You're absolutely right, this is not appropriate first date behavior.

I know you said you have recently re-entered the dating scene. Maybe you are thinking things have changed since you were last on the market. Well, things have not changed THAT much. This is NOT how a man looking for a relationship behaves. A man looking for a relationship will take you out to public places, get to know you, not mention sex until you've gotten to know each other, treat you w/respect.

You sound like a nice person. Trust me, there are much better guys out there. And just a few online dating tips, if you're interested - I would keep the phone conversations a bit shorter if I were you. 2 1/2 hours is a LONG time. I use the phone conversation just to get a sense of a guy's personality and whether I want to meet him or not. And I would NEVER take a guy I met online to my house on a first date - I ALWAYS take my own car and meet in a public place. It's a safety issue - you don't know who he is, or what he might try to do. Most guys I've met online have been normal and nice guys, but there are some creepy guys there. Better to be safe than sorry.

Good luck! :-)

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:14am
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're new to this scene, and it was a mistake--one that you'll now learn from and never repeat.

I know I'll get some flack for this, but in "The Rules," they talk about never talking to a man longer than :10 or so--and getting a timer to help you adhere to that rule. Controversy notwithstanding, I found the book (the first only, and not the follow-ups) very helpful, especially after I re-entered the dating scene, since I felt like a social Neanderthal.

Your date sounds like a real manipulator, and no doubt he engaged you in conversation for those 2 1/2 hrs just to "hook" you and see how far he could get once you met him. Once he got you, he showed you the porn site--and here you are asking us about it.

By now that book is at any second-hand bookstore; check it out. And next time, NEVER bring them home on a first or second date.

Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:50pm

I agree, this is an excellent post on the topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 7:31pm
Why, thank you, Sheri. :-) I agree w/your points as well.

One thing I should add to the original poster - I speak from experience about not going to guys' houses too soon. In my early online dating forays, I went to a guy's house for dinner on a second date, and he put the moves on me. I declined, he was very nice about it and backed off, and the next day sent me an email admitting that he was only interested in me for sex. I thanked him for his honesty and said goodbye. At the time, I agreed to him cooking dinner b/c I thought he was just being very sweet. I admit that at the time I thought a second date was a bit early for an in-home date, but I shrugged off my concerns. In retrospect, I was a little naive. This is why I now opt for dates in public places.

And I consider myself lucky that I learned my lesson w/no harm coming to me.

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:00pm
Thank you and the other posters for being so honest. I know I made a mistake but after being married for 13 yrs I guess I was eager for attention. I never thought of our long phone conversation as a way of him pulling me in but know that I think about it that's true. I also know that bringing him back to my house was a mistake too soon. I'll know better for next time. Thanks again for the great advice and dating insight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:16pm
Just don't be so hard on yourself. I've done the same thing and so have other women. As for myself, I know I'm a great person - attractive, intelligent and super nice ;-). So yes, I've been naive and assumed that any man who shows interest in me appreciates these great qualities. Even if something seemed a little "off" (as in your situation) I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that some people are just not that nice.

You come across as a very kind and caring woman. One day you'll find some lucky guy who will treat you respectfully.

jhoover

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