New guy, date postponed, advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
New guy, date postponed, advice?
5
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:48pm

Man, I wish those subject lines were bigger! LOL

OK...I met this guy on Tuesday, Ray...he was one of the movers from the company that I hired to move my furniture into my new apartment. At the end of the move, he asked if I'd like to go out sometime, which is a big no-no in his company...if I had said no, and told his boss, he could have gotten fired, but he said that there aws just something about me that made him have to ask, even though he'd never done it before.

Well, it turns out that one of my new neighbors is someone I had worked with 6 years ago, who also knew Ray, so it was kind of like a 6 degrees of separation thing! It made me feel more comfortable in saying yes to his proposition.

He called me on Wednesday night, and Thursday night, and we planned on going out on Saturday night. I texted him on Saturday afternoon to make sure we were still on, and he told me to call him. I did, and he told me that we'd have to postpone, because his little brother died on Friday. I felt so bad for him...they were very close.

So, he said that he still wanted to go out with me, as soon as things settled down, which is good...but now I'm just wondering how in the world you get to know someone when they're going through so much grief from losing their best friend? I know it'll be several weeks before he's ready, but he'll obviously still be grieving, and I just don't know how to act. Dating and getting to know someone is supposed to be fun, but there's a fine line there, because of the state of mind he'll be in...

I don't want to ignore the fact that there's a big pink elephant in the room, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it in terms of being there for him emotionally, the first couple of times we go out, because what if we don't hit it off and don't go out angain? I'd feel very weird talking to someone about something so serious, and offering to be there for him, and then trying to break it off...

So any suggestions would be great...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 5:31pm
This is a tough one so my advice might not help much but I would just tell him that you are sorry to hear of his brother's death and that you are very willing to go out with him when he's ready to do that. Let him know that you will give him his time to grieve and that when he is ready to date again to keep you in mind and give you a call and that he's in your thoughts and prayers.
It's hard to be there for someone emotionally when you dont' know them so I'm not sure if offering to console him is a good idea. Give him his space to grieve on his own, hard as it may be.
When he calls to go out and he wants to talk about it some, let him talk and just listen because a lot of the times someone grieving needs just that. But try not to give too much advice. If you notice that he's talking too much about it and you want to shed light on the topic let him know that, be honest in a loving way and tell him that you are there to listen but it's also important to have a good time and get to know each other as well. Possibly try to change the topic to lighter things from time to time.
It might be quite some time before he calls you (maybe more than a few weeks) because grieving close family members is a LONG process. Good luck with everything.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:24pm
I would wait a couple of weeks, then call to send my condolences (again) and pretty much tell him what biochic suggested . . . that you know he's going through a very difficult time and to just keep you in mind when he feels like having some company. If you two had already gone out a couple of times, I might suggest taking him a meal or sending some flowers but, I guess that would be a bit much seeing as though you just met.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:58am
Well, I figured I'd wait a while and then just call/text a short message saying I hope he's doing OK...my main concern is when we actually go out. He's going to still be in grieving mode, so how do you get to know someone when they're in that frame of mind? How do you see past the way they're acting, knowing it's probably just grief, and that they may not actually be like that personality wise normally? And how do you talk to them? Do you step lightly, making it known that you know they're still sad, or do you try to bring them out and happy? I don't want to ignore the big pink elephant in the room, but I also don't want to make light of his feelings. If we had gone out before, I would know how to act, but I'm afraid of being too much or not enough, just getting to know him. I don't want to be too much, and find that after a couple of dates, we're not hitting it off and then not go out with him again, but then again, I don't want to act like everything's normal, and have him be upset that I'm not making a bigger deal out of it, and hold it against me if we do continue to go out...
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 7:33pm

This would be a delicate situation, huh? I wonder if there are any books out there that take on this issue?

If he calls, why don't you just lay the cards out on the table and ask him if you guys can start off as just friends because you are aware of how much he has been through and don't want to add any unnecessary stress to his life(not that you are a handful or anything, you know what I mean).

Another thing to think about is, what if he instantly falls for you. Not because it's true love but because when he's with you, he doesn't have to think about the alternative. Again, not that he wouldn't fall for you naturally but I could see where any sort of distraction would be better than going through that horrible process.

If you decide to go for it, I would just follow his lead as far as setting any sort of tone. Other than that, just be yourself. That's obviously what attracted him to you in the first place.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:07pm

"when he's with you, he doesn't have to think about the alternative"

Aw, crap, cfk_3...I didn't think of that!

I do like what you had to say, though...just lay it out and tell him what I'm thinking, instead of worrying about it...

Well...I'll let you know what happens...