New guy friend--wish it was more though

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
New guy friend--wish it was more though
19
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 10:12am

I know I already mentioned that I met a guy this summer at salsa dancing & like him.  Have you ever had a situation and intellectually you know that you probably wouldn't really make it as a couple but you still want to date the guy?  I know for me it's just that I haven't dated anyone in so long and here's a fun attractive guy who likes to dance.  But I don't think we'd be compatible long term--his job situation is very iffy right now.  He graduated from law school recently and is shall we say under-employed--he's unsure whether to try to get a job with a firm or go back to what he used to do (he's older--this is a 2nd career).  I'm 8 yrs older than he is and I think he's more interested in women who are younger.  He'd like to get married since he has never been married, while since I've been divorced twice, I definitely don't want to get married again.  So it's probably better that we are just friends.  But I'm still attracted to him, so those pesky hormones get in the way!

So we've been seeing each other about once a week.  The summer dance program ended.  I invited the meetup group to come to a free open house at my dance studio--he & one other girl were signed up, then she canceled.  So yesterday he was emailing me with questions about how many people will come, if not enough people come will they cancel it, blah blah and finally I said to him--well just let me know by 5:00 if you're coming or not cause if no one comes, there's no reason for me to go.  So just as I was leaving and had shut off my computer, he emailed me to call him after I got out of work.  I didn't see that, but I called him anyway.  He started saying that he wasn't feeling that great but maybe if he took a short nap, he'd feel better.  So later he called me when I was home & said sorry but he was actually feeling worse so he couldn't come--but then we talked on the phone for an hour.  It was quite the range of subjects from work to dancing to relationships.  He says to me "are you single?"  Well I thought that was kind of obvious, but yes.  "Are you looking?"  I said of course I"m looking.  So that led to the discussion about online dating.  Oh and I think he's still hung up on this woman he liked from law school who he found out just married someone else, so another reason not to date him.  So I am happy though that it seems like we are actually becoming friends instead of someone just to see sometimes at dancing.  He did ask if I was going to an event tonight, but I have other plans.  He said if we don't see each other at salsa soon, we will make plans to get together to talk.  I actually might see him Monday--now that I found out he is taking a dance lesson right near where I work that I was thinking of taking anyway.

Well, a lot of rambling from me.  Why doesn't it happen that I find someone I"m attracted to who is actually good for a relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 10:48am

oh; I dont understand what his working situation has to do with his personal life .and how would you know what he is thinking??

What does him being underemployed have to do with anything either??

Here is a man who might be interested in you and now its time to figure out how to reel him in..Invite him over for lunch or ask him out to something and see what he says.. I mean how many opportunites are there for you? hoping he is single and not hung up on a woman but who cares?? Time to be more assertive and find out if he likes you and would go out on a date..

this could be one of those lost opportunities and something staring at you in the face.. Go for it!! What have you got to lose??

JMHO... LOL

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 1:08pm
That is the story of my life lately. Guys who I'm interested in who are interested in me- but not for a relationship. It stinks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 1:23pm

Ok Free, my little cheerleader.  I surely wouldn't mind going out with him so I am hoping to use my magical powers (that haven't seemed to be working lately) to reel him in.  I am not getting the vibe that he thinks of me in a romantic way but I think we are at least making progress from "some person I just see at a dance" to actual friendship.  I just don't want to come on too strong if he's not interested and then lose him as a friend too.  It's like the guy who I went out with earlier this year who found out that I liked him (from our friend) and then felt compelled to tell me that he only liked me as a friend--well now we are not even friends.  I would rather have figured it out by myself, cause I think that I am pretty good at reading people and then at least we could have enjoyed some fun together.  I surely wouldn't mind if things progressed further with the new guy but I am just not getting the feeling.  But I will be working on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 2:06pm

Well since all romantic relationships usually start out as friendships and build from there, just keep your mind in the friendship zone and see where it goes from there. Could be since he's asking you questions like  "Are you single"  means he's interested. Not sure why else he'd ask you that if he wasn't at least somewhat interested. Guess this is a guy question to ask a brother or male friend. lol  I'd become better friends with him and then you'll eventually figure it out, like if he makes the first move. ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:58pm

Not so sure about that.  I ask questions of people, both male and female, all the time.  Doesn't mean I am interested romantically.I am just nosy and love to talk to people.  It really pains me that I have to go back to the husband I divorced many, many years ago.  But, when a man is interested, he WILL let you know.  Somehow, some way.  Of course, since then, there have been some I suspect have been interested but I shut them down due to lack of attraction.  I don't want to be a wet blanket, but most younger men/older woman relationships do not work out.  That is why I don't date more than 4 years younger, 10 years older. These younger, never married guys generally want to have  their own kids, and ,thanks to it being a man's world and favorable biology, they can do just that.  Did Demi Moore really think that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher would not end badly? I know that that is a bigger age difference, but the result is the same.  I guess I believe that dating, particularly for a woman after age 40, is so fraught with land mines, that I dodge said land mines when I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:58pm

Not so sure about that.  I ask questions of people, both male and female, all the time.  Doesn't mean I am interested romantically.I am just nosy and love to talk to people.  It really pains me that I have to go back to the husband I divorced many, many years ago.  But, when a man is interested, he WILL let you know.  Somehow, some way.  Of course, since then, there have been some I suspect have been interested but I shut them down due to lack of attraction.  I don't want to be a wet blanket, but most younger men/older woman relationships do not work out.  That is why I don't date more than 4 years younger, 10 years older. These younger, never married guys generally want to have  their own kids, and ,thanks to it being a man's world and favorable biology, they can do just that.  Did Demi Moore really think that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher would not end badly? I know that that is a bigger age difference, but the result is the same.  I guess I believe that dating, particularly for a woman after age 40, is so fraught with land mines, that I dodge said land mines when I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:58pm

Not so sure about that.  I ask questions of people, both male and female, all the time.  Doesn't mean I am interested romantically.I am just nosy and love to talk to people.  It really pains me that I have to go back to the husband I divorced many, many years ago.  But, when a man is interested, he WILL let you know.  Somehow, some way.  Of course, since then, there have been some I suspect have been interested but I shut them down due to lack of attraction.  I don't want to be a wet blanket, but most younger men/older woman relationships do not work out.  That is why I don't date more than 4 years younger, 10 years older. These younger, never married guys generally want to have  their own kids, and ,thanks to it being a man's world and favorable biology, they can do just that.  Did Demi Moore really think that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher would not end badly? I know that that is a bigger age difference, but the result is the same.  I guess I believe that dating, particularly for a woman after age 40, is so fraught with land mines, that I dodge said land mines when I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:58pm

Not so sure about that.  I ask questions of people, both male and female, all the time.  Doesn't mean I am interested romantically.I am just nosy and love to talk to people.  It really pains me that I have to go back to the husband I divorced many, many years ago.  But, when a man is interested, he WILL let you know.  Somehow, some way.  Of course, since then, there have been some I suspect have been interested but I shut them down due to lack of attraction.  I don't want to be a wet blanket, but most younger men/older woman relationships do not work out.  That is why I don't date more than 4 years younger, 10 years older. These younger, never married guys generally want to have  their own kids, and ,thanks to it being a man's world and favorable biology, they can do just that.  Did Demi Moore really think that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher would not end badly? I know that that is a bigger age difference, but the result is the same.  I guess I believe that dating, particularly for a woman after age 40, is so fraught with land mines, that I dodge said land mines when I can.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 7:34am

 Men do not take hints!   No, they may not let you know that they are interested because they do not want to be rejected.  Or what they want is a FWB and they assume you want a joined at the hip relationship.  An adult must ask. 

dragowoman

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 7:37am

  Music  I must say that from what you wrote I am not sure of what you are wanting?  If you can define your goals then it may be easier to obtain what you want. 

dragowoman

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