New guy friend--wish it was more though

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
New guy friend--wish it was more though
19
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 10:12am

I know I already mentioned that I met a guy this summer at salsa dancing & like him.  Have you ever had a situation and intellectually you know that you probably wouldn't really make it as a couple but you still want to date the guy?  I know for me it's just that I haven't dated anyone in so long and here's a fun attractive guy who likes to dance.  But I don't think we'd be compatible long term--his job situation is very iffy right now.  He graduated from law school recently and is shall we say under-employed--he's unsure whether to try to get a job with a firm or go back to what he used to do (he's older--this is a 2nd career).  I'm 8 yrs older than he is and I think he's more interested in women who are younger.  He'd like to get married since he has never been married, while since I've been divorced twice, I definitely don't want to get married again.  So it's probably better that we are just friends.  But I'm still attracted to him, so those pesky hormones get in the way!

So we've been seeing each other about once a week.  The summer dance program ended.  I invited the meetup group to come to a free open house at my dance studio--he & one other girl were signed up, then she canceled.  So yesterday he was emailing me with questions about how many people will come, if not enough people come will they cancel it, blah blah and finally I said to him--well just let me know by 5:00 if you're coming or not cause if no one comes, there's no reason for me to go.  So just as I was leaving and had shut off my computer, he emailed me to call him after I got out of work.  I didn't see that, but I called him anyway.  He started saying that he wasn't feeling that great but maybe if he took a short nap, he'd feel better.  So later he called me when I was home & said sorry but he was actually feeling worse so he couldn't come--but then we talked on the phone for an hour.  It was quite the range of subjects from work to dancing to relationships.  He says to me "are you single?"  Well I thought that was kind of obvious, but yes.  "Are you looking?"  I said of course I"m looking.  So that led to the discussion about online dating.  Oh and I think he's still hung up on this woman he liked from law school who he found out just married someone else, so another reason not to date him.  So I am happy though that it seems like we are actually becoming friends instead of someone just to see sometimes at dancing.  He did ask if I was going to an event tonight, but I have other plans.  He said if we don't see each other at salsa soon, we will make plans to get together to talk.  I actually might see him Monday--now that I found out he is taking a dance lesson right near where I work that I was thinking of taking anyway.

Well, a lot of rambling from me.  Why doesn't it happen that I find someone I"m attracted to who is actually good for a relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 10:47am

So sorry for the multiple posts!  Not sure what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 1:03pm

Oh I am pretty realistic about the fact that I don't see it as long term happily ever after esp. after he said that he did want to get married.  He's got the rose colored glasses about wouldn't it be nice to get married (I assume) while I am the jaded cynical one about that.  I think there are some guys who could see past the age difference but not that many.  He doesn't know how old I am, but he could figure it out if he did some internet sleuthing.  My cousin's MIL is 12 yrs older than her DH, but that's unusual.  

Do you think you project a vibe that is off-putting to men, since you seem to prefer being alone?

What is this about going back to your ExH?  Am I reading that right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 1:06pm

I can't say I'm totally sure what I want either.  I think I'd have to get to know him better to figure it out.  I would like some romance thrown in there.  I'm not sure whether I could handle a FWB since I've never done it before.  I guess I'd like  to feel desired by a guy for a change who isn't a creep or an old man (that's what I've been getting).  But would it be worse to have a fling if you know it's not going to last that long?  I don't know--but it might be a moot point, or I should say probably is a moot point because I don't think he likes me that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 10:22pm

No, I would never go back to my ex-husband.  What I meant to say is that he did pursue me, and made it plain that he wanted me, when we got together.  I did not have to do any guess work. I assume that it was the same with your exes.   As far as me putting out a vibe that I don't want to be bothered, there is some truth to that. I am 52, have already been married, and am well past child-bearing age.  So, I am not as highly motivated as some who have never been married or who have baby-hunger.  Let's face it, at my age, even if I look  "good for my age", my market is limited.  Mostly what I get these days is the over-60, retired men with beaucoup medical and personal baggage.  While I would dearly love to meet someone that is worth the effort a relationship requires, I realize that the odds are low, and my personal BS meter is set to the point that I recognize immediately if someone is a nonstarter. And I think I differ from at least half the women in my age group that my sex drive is simply not that high.  I can live without it. Unlike most  women (sorry) I think I can be relatively happy alone and that the right man would be icing on the cake. I just think that those of us past a certain age, say 40, have to realize that it might not happen for us.   Not because we are defective or wanting in any way, but is what the world is.  Of course, we could all be with someone tomorrow if we really lowered our standards, but who wants that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 10:39pm

Well one way I think I have grown in a positive way over the last few years is that I'd rather be alone than just date someone I am  not interested in.  Even 2 yrs ago I went out with a guy who was nice enough but not that interesting to me--like the conversation was strained and polite but I remember feeling a little awkward and feeling like I had to think of things to say.  But I know I was trying to convince myself that maybe I should give him more of a chance since I wasn't dating anyone else & my social life wasn't that great.  But when he called me recently (after not hearing from him for almost 2 yrs) I didn't even bother to call him back--first it was insulting, like he would think that he could just reappear after all this time and I know now I just am not interested in him at all.  Same for the creepy guys who have asked me out in clubs and the old men who contact me from OLD.  Definitely not going there.  I guess with this younger guy, it was like an immediate feeling of someone who is very easy to be around, he makes me laugh a lot and obviously we can talk easily.  Now I doubt it will really turn into anything else so I'm going to try not to get my fantasies going in my head.  But I think a lot of the problem is that I miss having sex a lot!  So if a good looking guy comes around and then you add some touching--not only dancing, which involves physical contact, but he's a hugger, then those thoughts come into my mind.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 9:05am

I think you're taking the right approach. 

First of all, I don't think men don't pick up on hints. I just don't see this in my interactions with men. Second of all, I don't think it's the woman's job to "reel" a man in. I think it should be a mutual attraction. I don't think you need to invite him to lunch--I think that's coming on too strong. If a man is attracted, but he's not sure of your feelings toward him, he can figure out ways to spend time with you that aren't an actual date until he feels pretty sure you are attracted (does this make sense?) In this case, you've got the whole dance thing going on--what could be more convenient than that? But obviously, at some point, he'll need to ask you out, away from the group. But you know all of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 10:46am

I agree with you on this one--why not just use the opportunities we have of seeing each other at dances etc. to get to know each other better with no pressure to do anything right now?  One time we ended up going out after a dance for pizza (his idea) and talked for a while.  then on the phone, we were talking about relationships and I said something about my divorces and maybe some day I'd tell him the whole story [and added jokingly, "now that we are close personal friends"] and he said yes, if we don't happen to see each other at some meetup event, then we should "arrange something."  Now I am definitely not going to be the one to make the arrangements and I don't want to come across as some crazy stalker either.  I think it's better to act more independent and let the guy chase a little.  But what I really don't want to do is to come on too strong and make him run fast away.  Cause I genuinely like him as a person & enjoy dancing and talking with him, so I don't want to ruin that even if nothing else comes from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 1:20pm

I agree that you should let him do the asking out and making the arrangements. As someone else said on here, if a guy is really interested he will ask you out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 1:25pm

Great post. Couldn't have said it better myself Gleannfia.

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