New here, I have a few "whys?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
New here, I have a few "whys?"
7
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 8:37pm
Hello. I happened upon this board because it was linked up to the "happily single" section of iVillage...I have a few things that confuse the bejeezus out of me...I have stepped back from the whole dating thing about 4 years ago when I was about to turn 40, wanting to get a better relationship with myself and work on my self esteem. Here is my first "why"---WHY is it that when you want to be on your own, be with yourself for a while, men come crawling out of the woodwork and are all over your face, but back prior to 4 years ago, when I thought I "had" to have a man to be happy, they were nowhere to be found?? Why is this??

As to another why, I work in a company that has 76 men and only 18 women, and of those 18 women three of us are white, one of the other two only white women in my company is married, the other one is 52 and puts out a very strong vibe "I won't take any crap" a vibe that I WISH I could put out. That leaves me the only single white female under 50 (I'm 43) in a company with 76 men...I have gotten more unwanted overtures in the time I have worked in this company than I care to remember, so much that I have taken to wearing pants and a wedding band most of the time at work...WHY has my biggest problem been with the MARRIED men at this company?? WHY do married men try to come on to women behind their wive's back's?? Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong??

For my last why...WHY is it ok for men to be reserved and quiet and NON outgoing, especially the few happily married men in my company, but if a WOMAN acts the same way, men let you know in no uncertain terms that they are in a huff about it. Why is it ok for an attractive man to choose who he is available to, yet if an attractive woman does the same thing, men get angry??? Why is it ok for married men to flash their wedding rings, but if I flash my wedding band, I get all the huffiness I do from men.

thanks for letting me ask these questions...signed, totally baffled...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:00pm
Well, "why" is a moot point.

But you're not comfortable and confident in yourself if you've taken to a costume of pants and a wedding ring but unmarried and they know it!

Yes, I'm 40. And I am without a doubt a "married man magnet"! Why - well as one of them that I did admire and respect for 4 years until I found out about this deep-seated lust admitted...you're independent, your attractive, you're intelligent, you've got a full life. You're not looking for anybody to take care of you, and you're not looking for someone to rely on. If anything, you're looking for someone to enjoy things and events with, and most of us married guys can provide you with that. But what we can't do is be there when your mother dies, or the cat is sick, or when it's Christmas and you've got a cold. You don't strike me as wanting or needing that kind of attention - you've got a full life and you're not wanting disruption in that. You want companionship on your own terms and at your own time....a married man can certainly provide you with that and then some!

Absolutely, when viewed from that light...I saw is point precisely. Couldn't fault him on the reasoning and had to give him credit...he had read me dead on the money. I wasn't going to alter my goals or my plans, I wasn't going to accommodate inconvenient and upset...I have a great life and if someonen wants to run marathons WITH me, that's great. But they're not going to stop me from running marathons just because they have a cold!

So that, I believe is part of it. The second is - your outlook is a little jaded. This great life and that great relationship - I began that self-actualization journey at 35. I could write your literally volumes and volumes about my discovery of self and the method and the experiences and stories. But...you've already been there, so you already know that you don't need anybody but you in your life in order to be complete....although if you WANT someone in your life you've got to realize that ocncession and compromise by both parties is required to have it on mutually shared terms.

I believe THAT is where our age is the problem. Not perhaps for you, per se, depending on your situation. But there are lots of attractive, professionally successful and financially very secure women out there in our age bracket - who now that they have it all, adn have been all to themselves are literally "buying" a husband. They dont' want an incomplete man, or a ninny...but they want osmeon that has less aspirations and goals and professional success so that they have someone to share their interests with and lives with where compromise and concession is few and far between for the woman...which is exactly what the MEN in our age bracket are looking for, as well with compromise and concession being few and far between for the men.

My personal experience is that initially successful men over 40 are thrilled that you have your own interests and life and abilities and lifestyle....but they're not looking so much to incorporate your lifestyle into theirs as they are thinking you're going to adopt their lifestyle and conform to it for the benefits it provides.

And professionally successful women over 40 who are financially secure for life are thinking it is wonderful a man is so diversely talented but yet lacking in drive and motivation....because they're not looking to change their lifestyle so much as enhance it with partnership of perhaps a non-equality based dynamic. After all he/she who pays.....calls the tune!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:14pm
No answers, really, on your work-related questions, but a couple of "whys" back...why do you let it bother you so much? And if it DOES bother you, why don't you report the co-workers in question?

Also, I have to wonder why race is such a big issue with you...what does it matter that you're the only single *white* woman under 50? Do overtures to non-white women not count?

As for your first question, being happy with your own life is attractive to other people.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:58pm
I can answer your first question with some ease. It seems to me that you were happier with yourself when you started concentrating on you, and that showed through. Desperation can be detected, and I bet you were projecting that before.

The second part, about the married men, I don't really know. I suspect that they want what they know they can't have, and that's why you are appealing to them. They know that you would just be a fling since they are married. This is, of course, just a speculation. It's in no way an excuse!

Your last question- Why is it okay for men to be reserved and not women- is something I haven't seen. Your best bet is to just be yourself and don't worry about what others think you should be. What is "okay" to one person may not be to another. It's all subjective. Just be yourself cause you can't really be anyone else!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 10:26pm
Northwestwanderer...the only reason race has come up as an issue...all of the other women workers in my company are either Chinese or Vietnamese, and I have repeatedly, without exception, seen these other women from these other cultures being left alone...for some reason and maybe it is the stereotype of American women, (after all, aren't we all like the women on Sex and the City? NO..) but I have repeatedly scratched my head and wondered "why do the women from these other cultures get to work in peace?" Overtures to non-white women would indeed count, if there were any, but there haven't been...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 11:55pm
You're basing your opinions on less than 76 men (my guess is you know fewer than 20 of them well enough to form these opinions. I am sorry it is like that in your company - I have worked in four large/mid sized companies over the last 9 years and never encountered what you do. (in NYC)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 11:09am
My guess is it is a combination of pure coincidence and perhaps the specific men in question do not find those specific women attractive. My best advice - stay out of it - keep your nose down and do your work - in this economy you are so lucky to have a stable job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 5:28pm
Other posters covered this well...but I would say, be rude! When a married man makes an overture to me I say..."Rick, aren't you married?"..."yes"..."then why don't you act like it"...and walk away. Those kinds of interaction give off the "leave me alone" vibe you were looking for. Married men are looking for fun on the side - if you've made it clear to your coworkers that you are not looking for a r/ship, chances are they figure you may be looking for some unattached fun also!

As to the reserved thing - I find the total opposite! Everyone expects the women to be reserved and only men to be outgoing. So I can't comment on that.

Good luck, and welcome to the boards...Go.