Newbie and In need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Newbie and In need of advice
6
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 5:14am
Hi everyone,

I've been lurking for quite awhile now trying to find someone with the same problems but I haven't seen anything so far. So I'm hoping I can get advice.

I'm 30 years old and I have had only 2 serious relationship so far. The 1st one-I was married to and divorced by the time I turned 24. My ex-husband was goodlooking, extremely nice, treated me really well but I was not in love with him. My ex-boyfriend(we broke up 2 months ago)was also goodlooking(like a movie star), smart, muscular, compatible, great career, treated me with respect, support me in every way amd I was crazy in love with him....but he can't commit..we dated just under five years long distance. We talked every day & saw each other once a month but that wasn't enough for me and I wanted marriage but he didn't.

Here's the problem....I feel like I will never meet someone like that again. I'm so picky and I have a really hard time meeting people because I look unapproacable and if anyone ever does approach me they are definitely not what I'm attracted to. I would rather stay at home because I have 1 single friend and we're not at all compatible except for the single part.

I tried the on-line thing because I figured since I'm so picky I would scan for my type...I met one loser off the dating sight..we spoke for a while on the phone we exchange photo's and I thought this is great finally someone as comparable as my ex-boyfriend. We made arrangements to meet and when we did meet, i find out that he was not even the same guy in the picture...I was so pissed and I told him off..but he kept calling me to appolygize saying that I would not have given him a chance if he sent me his real picture..and now i'm completely turned off with on-line dating because It took me quite a while to find someone who I thought was very attractive and compatible and then I find out he was just a complete loser and a liar! HELP!! I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life because my standards are just too high....

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 8:24am
Your standards are what they are because you are probably afraid of committing so it's easier to make yourself unapproachable and fall in love with fantasies - which long distance is largely - especially if you saw each other only once a month - but you were comfortable because you knew you would never have to make a choice to commit to him. You have every right to be focused on looks - whatever floats your boat - but let's hope you marry a metrosexual guy - a new term to describe a heterosexual who is into skin care, moisturizing, pedicures, etc - because G-d forbid you are married for ten years and he gains a lot of weight, loses his hair, etc - and you need to make sure you stay model thin and gorgeous because the man you likely will marry will have similar standards to you. Again, you are entitled to focus on looks to the extent you do, and to make yourself "unapproachable" to anyone who seems interested, but then you need to accept the disadvantages that come with that -
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 1:48pm
I would urge you not to write off online dating completely. I've been doing online dating on and off for several years now and have probably met between 50-75 men...and NONE of them sent me a false picture! I think you just had bad luck the first time out, but as you can tell from my experience, not everyone or even a significant percentage of men online do that.

Also, I have found that pictures just don't do a good job of showing the real *person*. Some people look better in person; some people have really flattering photos and don't look as good in person. If the person otherwise seems to fit your criteria, I'd meet them, but don't base your expectations as to their looks or your attraction to them on a photo.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being choosy, but make sure that your criteria are all things that are truly important to you. A great book for winnowing that list down to a reasonable size is "Finding the Love of your Life" by Neal Clark Warren.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 2:00pm
I have been in your situation - and as Deena pointed out, it was because that was "safe." Physical beauty is not the best I have to offer - yet that was what I was looking for. So I always found myself feeling insecure b/c I thought the guy was "out of my league"...which is not the case if you look at the whole package. And thats what I am learning to do. When you are old, looks fade and you are left with the person underneath. Think about that.

You wrote "I feel like I will never meet someone like that again." And I am of the mind that if you believe this - then you will project and make it true. No wonder you are not approachable :)

Do some soul searching. Good luck!

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 12:10am
Thanks for all of your advice...However, I probably didn't do such a great job explaining myself. When I say that I look unapproachable - meaning that I'm actually really quite shy and I'm not very talkative around new people. For the life of me I do like being the center of attention, not at all outgoing and I do not know how flirt therefore it's impossible for me to meet girls or guys. To top things off - I have a list of criteria a mile long for my potential Mr. Right. See how I'm kinda in a bind. I don't know if I should seek professional help or just learn to live by myself.

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 5:23pm
I can relate to some of what you've said, both in your first post and your most recent. Lemme tell you a bit about myself and a few of our perceived similarities, although we may differ in our expression of them:

I'm a pretty shy person myself and I have little to no self-esteem. I've noticed lately I have become quite cynical and pessimistic, therefore making me even shyer for fear of offending someone. I want to like people, but I'm scared that they'll only hurt or reject me (previous issues in my life), so I hardly put myself out there. Some time back I gave up my soul mate, and actually shut myself down emotionally for a while, thinking the same thing you state, "I will never meet someone like that again". People have told me that their first impression of me is that of a stuck up b*tch (can I say that word?) who thinks I'm better than everyone else. I have stage fright, minor anxiety problems, and have had an ongoing battle with depression since I was 15. I have high standards for anyone I date, not only to protect myself (see above, =P ), but because despite any negativity I invite into my life (and yes, I bring it all upon myself), I deserve someone who will treat me the way I want to be treated and love me the way I will love him/her.

I'm saying all this so you have an idea of where I'm at in life, and why I offer my next advice:

Learn to live by yourself, definitely, but also seek an objective outsider whom you can trust to help bring you out of fear and denial and into the life you deserve. As for never meeting someone like that again, why would you want to? Life is about experiencing new things and growing as a person and a soul and living and loving and learning, not about doing the same thing over and over and over, just because it's working. You don't need to compromise yourself or your ideas, nor do you need to settle, you just need to learn how to get over yourself long enough to invite the positive things you desire into your life.


Edited 7/8/2003 5:37:14 PM ET by imsomoney

Avatar for cute_queen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 7:36pm
1. Throw out the list. If I had stuck to my list I wouldn't have given my current boyfriend a chance. And believe me I am glad I did because he is a sweetheart.

2. Do not give up online dating. I think you just happened to get one dishonest guy. Think of it as an adventure - go out some nights during the week on these dates and have fun.

3. Banish the term "Mr. Right" from your vocabulary. I believe it builds the ideal man to such an extent that no man can live up to it.