Newly Single, and not loving it!
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| Sat, 12-09-2006 - 2:08am |
Hi I have a question for all you single girls. My b/f and I just brokeup about 3 weeks ago. I feel that I am dealing with things fairly well. However, the one thing that sorta is making me feel down is the fact that I have many more nights where I spend alone. Sure I have wonderful friends who are there for me. But all my girl friends except 2 have b/fs now or are married or engaged. My friends and I are in the age range of 23-24 years of age. So when it comes to the weekends, my friends are usually working late nights, studying as most of us are just finishing off our degrees or are spending time with their guys. My best friend just got married last July and moved to another country so despite talking through e-mails, or on the phone I do not get to see her. She is coming to visit for the xmas season so that will be nice, plus another one of my girl friends who moved away a few years ago is coming back for the holidays as well.
I am fine with being alone, as before I never really had much time for myself. The thing that just makes it tough is that when I am missing my ex and feeling sad about things, being along just makes it worse. I work till 8 or 9 doing therapy with an autistic child on fri nights so I am fine with being able to relax after work. I usually have one night on the weekend where I do go out, but even then I do not find that I enjoy myself that much. The tough part is that my ex and I have mutual friends, so when I talk to his guy friends and hear that they are going out that night with my ex b/f or hanging out with him and watching a movie at my ex's place it makes me feel left out or miss him. I am just finding it a little hard to be totally excited about the holiday season when this just happened. I am done my classes now for the semester so now I am basically just working 3 days a week because I had class every other day. So it is hard to have all this free time now without having much to do. Once, my friends are all done with their exams and what not there will be more things to do, I have also decided to start reading some more books now that I have more free time, etc... So I am not saying that there are not things for me to do. It is just hard when for the first time through out my close friends and I's life is it that everyone has somebody now. One of my best friends just got her first b/f 8 months ago, so she is all obssesed with him. We are all very happy for her, and support her a 100%, it is just hard though because he lives on the island and is in school and she works, so they only see each other on the weekends. So then I do not get to see her that often.
I just feel like the odd one out now, because I do not have a b/f. I know that my friends still love me just the same, it just makes me feel left out or sad when I hear my friends talking all happy about their guys and I do not really have anything to join in and say. Not to mention it just makes me miss him even more.
I guess I am just having a hard time transitioning back into the single life. As to be honest with you most guys that meet me just assume that I have a b/f. Every guy that I have ever met has been shocked if they hear I am single. They say to me you just act and look like the type of girl that would have a b/f. I am not interested in the club scene or anything like that, which I find most girls who single are into. I just find it hard to really be excited about things now. Life feels so routine and blah. There are a bunch of things I am planning on starting to do in the new year, so that should break me out of my daily routine.
I know that I do not need a guy to complete me or make me feel content. I just feel that having a guy in your life makes things that are so simple seem more special and exciting. Not to mention I am in the place in my life where I feel that in a year or two that I would want to be engaged. I am finishing off my BA in psychology, then I am doing the teaching program. So in a year and a bit or a bit longer I will be a teacher. Not to mention alot of my friends are either married, have already had a baby, getting married in a year, engaged or atleast have serious b/f's. I guess I am just frustrated because my ex has everything going for him and is a wonderful person, but is not ready for a really serious serious relationship so it just hurts that we both still care for another and have known each other for 6 years but he is not ready to be in a relationship right now. Don't get me wrong he is not the type that just dates around. In fact I was his first g/f, we actually went out 3 and half years ago. We have known each other for 6 years, we did not date this whole time, just were friends for over a year before we went out the first time, then became friends again then went back out. I just think that he is scared of being too serious because of his childhood, cuz his parents divorced and he is a really sensitive guy.
Anyways I was just wondering if any of you had any tips or advice for me. I just thought it would be nice to post a msg to some girls or guys who know how I am feeling.

It's especially hard to be newly single during the holidays. I know...my husband and I split up right after Thanksgiving (many years ago now). So, be very gentle on yourself...it's a hard thing to go through anyway, but the holidays just make it that much more difficult.
It sounds to me like you've got a really good handle on things though, especially since it's only been 3 weeks. It's a grieving process you have to go through and you can't really speed that up. The river flows.
Sounds like you do have some friends that you can go out with and that's good. But you are discovering that as women couple up, your social life becomes more challenging. I've been single again for 18 years and I've had friends go in and out of relationships and marriages, so I know what it's like to not have single friends to do things with. And that can be very difficult.
I know you've heard it before, but after the initial grieving is over, now might be a good time to try some things you've always wanted to try. Look at this time as "me" time. Indulge yourself. You say you've got some books to read: excellent!
Speaking of books, one that I have read several times is called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It's not a long book, just some very comforting advice wirtten by two therapists and a poet.
Take care of yourself.
I know it's very hard not to, but a big thing i've learned about being single--other than sometimes it just really, really stinks and i find myself wondering "why me?"-- is that sometimes the best way to get through is to stop worrying about what everyone has and where they are in their life. i know, it's going to be very, very hard to do that and i have to remind myself to stop thinking about everyone else's life too. i have a lot of friends who are married too and they like to take it upon themselves to remind me that i'm still single by always asking me if i'm dating anyone yet, if i want to be set up with their husband's friend, etc. i want to be married very badly, i want my single life to end really soon, but also, i don't assume that every married friend has it all. in fact, quite a few women i know who are married are in awful marriages that i would never trade my single status for. just because your friends are married doesn't mean that you missed the boat already. maybe they just settled out of fear. i'm convinced a lot of women do that.
you still miss him and all as i miss my ex a lot but at least you got out of the relationship before spending 10 years with him. imagine if you listened to his "i'm not readies"' for another three years, then another year passes, and another.... lots of people with divorced parents still get married at some point. you say you knew him for 6 years? he doesn't need another six years to figure out if you're the one. people who've been through bigger traumas-- ie, wars, foster care, illness, abuse as a child, deadly car accidents-- than divorce still get married. i'm only telling you this because i dealt with the "i'm not ready" stuff. i had to break up with my ex because he "wasn't ready" for marriage yet. and he was several years older than your ex. you know what? your time is just as precious as his. marriage is lifechanging but i believe then any man or woman with someone they truly love and want to stay with forever do their best to make sure that happens. if he really wanted to be with you he should have given you an honest timeline. say something like, "I don't want to get married yet but I do within a year or two and when I do I want it to be with you." if he can't say that much, thank your lucky stars you're out of it and don't let yourself get too down.
also, try to find single friends. i found quite a few through work over the last two years and they've been wonderful. we're all on the same boat and we're there for each other. friends always change. i have different friends at 31 than i did back in college. that's the nature of life. go with it. married friends are always "too busy." doing what? making sure the earth keeps turning for us? they're so busy that's why every TV sit-com about married people show's the man sitting on the couch with the remote and the woman nagging him from behind. what busy people!
again, your life is just as precious. so what if your friends have other stuff going on that you dont' "fit in" with. get busy with life yourself. being single doesn't mean your life is worthless now. take care of you. find out who you are while your single. i took some great trips this year BECAUSE i had to break up with my ex. he didn't want to travel and i did and BECAUSE we broke up i went to some amazing places. you might actually even enjoy the free time and learn something new about yourself. good luck!
Hi thanks for the advice. Just to clarify something, my ex b/f did not breakup with me because he was not ready for a serious relationship, that is just what I have gathered from thinking over conversations we had and what not. When we brokeup there really was not one real reason as to why we brokeup. I just feel there was a combination of things that made him feel insecure and scared. The thing that really bothers me is not to sound cocky or anything but I know I could find another guy in a short period of time if I just wanted a b/f, as I get hit on fairly often by guys. However, the thing is that I really do not want to be with anyone else but my ex b/f.
When my ex b/f and I brokeup 3 and half - 4 years ago, we spoke the week after, then every so often, then after about a few months of that we stoped talking for almost a year, except for when he called me on my b-day. Then after that we began talking again and would see each other and mutual friends get togethers. Whenever I saw him he would always spend most of the time talking to me, and I could sense that he still had a thing for me. After we brokeup years ago I told my friends that I have this feeling in my heart that 5 years down the road or close to that my ex b/f and I will get back together. As in my heart I always loved him and I know I always will. After we brokeup before I had 2 b/f's and even then I noticed myself comparing them to my ex b/f (current ex). Then within the past year or two I started talking and seeing more of his friends and him, then his friends began to ask me to hang out more, and just so happen my ex was there. My ex and I began to talk more often so I invited my ex and his friends to my b-day then during my b-day he was flirting with me, hugging me and then kisssed me. Then after that we hung out more, then he attended my best friends wedding with me,then the week later we offically started going out again. The thing that really hurts me is that I know my ex still cares about me, but he is just acting all scared. His parents and the rest of his family love me to death. He would always invite me over to his parents house for dinner, when his relatives were there, or just to visit with his parents. He would tell me to go over even when he would not be there for awhile if I could not make it there in time befor he had to leave to go get something for his mom. So I would spend an hour or more just visiting with his mom and her friend, as she was staying with his parents for awhile. His moms friend even told me that when her new place is all down she wanted my ex and I to go over to visit and for dinner sometime. All his friends would say that we are perfect for each other, and that we are so good together. My family thought that we would end up getting married. I know that there is no other girl in the picture, as even when we had that 3 and half year period where we did not go out he never had a g/f. He went on a few dates but never felt a connection with them. I have been his only g/f. In my heart I still have that same feeling that I did before when we brokeup. I feel as though once he figures things out, if I am still available that we will end up together. I know I know I sound pathetic by saying this, but no one believed me before when I said it then it happened. It is not like I left my life in stand still for that time period. I moved on but realized that I did not want anyone else. Anyways I have been doing pretty well, but inside I still really do miss him. I really do not think that I am going to allow myself to be available to any other guy.
Thanks