Newly single... questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Newly single... questions
6
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:21am
Hi,
I'm new to this board. I just sent a reply to the post about Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" song. So I thought maybe I should introduce myself.
I'm 25, will be 26 in a week or so. On New Years Eve I found out that my boyfriend of 9 months (we had grown up together in a youth group though) had been cheating on me with my long-time friend. My boyfriend lived with me too. We had talked about marriage and he had even told our friends that he already knew how he wanted to propose. We just knew we were meant to be together, but it turns out I guess that isn't true anymore. Not only had he been seeing her for at least a couple of months behind my back not just for sex but also for emotional support, but he's been lying about many other things too. What I don't understand is that they both still want to prove their innocence.
I am just wondering if anyone has any advice. Has anyone else gone through this? Because this is so painful and confusing. I also was wondering, when is it okay to start dating again? Part of me wants to hold on and grieve, but the other part of me says just forget about it and find someone new/have fun.
Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 2:32am
Welcome to the board. I am single, and have been for years...I am much older than you. I have never experienced a man cheating with a friend but know others who have. It proved impossible for them to forgive either party, it was just too much deception. I am not sure what you meant when you said they wanted to prove their innocence, they either had an affair or they didn't. In which case you have suffered a double insult!
If your boyfriend was cheating there must have been some reason. If you had dated for many years maybe the relationship just became too comfortable and he was looking for renewed excitment....but if he does it once he may do it again.
In any case there is no point in sitting at home and grieving. You may not necessarily want to become involved in a serious affair just yet, but there is nothing wrong with seeing friends and having fun. In many cases after a failed love affair people fall into rebound relationships to prove they are desirable, and these seldom end well. Take your time and you will find another and better relationship eventually.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 7:10am

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:51pm

Oh, I am so sorry that happened. That's terrible, and I can only imagine how much you hurt right now.

Definitely give yourself plenty of time to grieve and be sad. It is better to deal with the emotions now than to push them down and have them pop up again years later. There is no specific timeline that works for each person, but I'd say give yourself at least several months (six months or more?) before trying to date again.

In the meantime, surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Take a lot of time to pamper yourself. Cry. Grieve. Have fun when and if you can. Come here to vent.

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:52pm

Welcome!

I'm sorry to hear what happened. I have been in your shoes before and it is incredibly difficult to comprehend at first. You're deeply hurt because the trust was broken in the worst way and what you thought to be true no longer is. You can't blame yourself, there's nothing you could have done to stop it. He made many bad decisions. Although problems in relationships can't be pinned to one person, cheating can be. There is no good excuse for seeking emotional support or sex outside of a relationship because of 'troubles at home'.

Give yourself a good amount of time to grieve, although you may wish to jump right back into dating. You need to go through all of the emotions, including sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. Eventually you'll get to a point where you have stepped back and can look at the relationship clearly and learn from it. What problems did he bring to the relationship, what problems did you bring? Could these things have been handled better, and if so how? I think it's important to do this anytime a relationship ends so that we can grow.

Hang in there...take it day by day and know that things will get better.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:55pm

Hello, welcome! I have been cheated on before and I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Like everyone else here, I agree that you should give yourself some time to heal. You've been wounded by someone you trusted and while the wound may be emotional, you still need recovery time, in my opinion.

I hope you aren't blaming yourself for this guys obvious problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:42pm
Thank you for all your supportive replies :)