from nice guy to user of women?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
from nice guy to user of women?
15
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:47am
Hi everybody, I am mid 30,s guy who wants a female opinion. do all men and women cheat?
I have only been in one intimate relationship before, and a half dozen non sexual
so called relationships. Here is what I would like to know, do I change my ways to
something I feel that I am not, or do I try to still hold out hope that there is
someone out there who is meant for me? As of today I have only been intimate with
my sons mother and no one else. which we have been split up for a year. I feel if
have casual sex with someone with no strings attached my whole attitude will change
about wanting a lifelong relationship,and I could turn out being a dog to all you beutiful and intelligent women who really deserve a nice guy I have been called attractive, slightly above avg.
height, caucasion, brown hair,hazel eyes, slim build, gainfully employed my entire adult life, homeowner,has hobbies and enjoys family activities, not sheltered, my only thing I would like to change is to not be on the shy side intially, I can talk up a storm once I know you. Before my relationship, I have passed on numerous times to be with different girls/women for which some may think I should get my head examined for doing so. I am not
a religious fanatic or athiest either, just someone with morals and ethics who is honest
and like my spouse/girlfriend to be the same.
P.S. I am not on drugs or
an alcholic or gambler

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:21am

Hi rare,

No, not all men and women cheat. I say definitely NO to trying to be a player when you clearly are not. Believe me, women are looking for a guy like you. And a lot of women really like a guy who's a little shy...really.

I would definietly hold out hope for the right woman. And now that you've been divorced for a year, you're at the point where you can really start to date again without the whole rebound thing. I say go for it.

Best of luck.--FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:21am

Sounds to me like you're a stand up guy.

I'd suggest reading Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian.

It addresses a lot of the moral issues of dating, sex and marriage. I think it'll just re-affirm your moral fiber.


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:02pm

"I feel if I have casual sex with someone with no strings attached my whole attitude will change about wanting a lifelong relationship, and I could turn out being a dog to all you beutiful and intelligent women who really deserve a nice guy. I have been called attractive, slightly above avg."

-- I doubt that having casual sex would turn you into a dog but that's an interesting theory. I suppose if you were to do it frequently enough, it may harden your heart a little bit. Guys like that aren't born that way, in my opnion. I think they have to build a wall up around their heart so as not to let anyone in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:32pm

I don't think having casual sex once will change who you are at the core - if you're not a dog now, you're not likely to become a dog.

I also think that if you have the desire for a committed, monogomous relationship, that will never really go away. Even if you have casual flings in the meantime, your heart will still likely long for that "something more."

Now, I'm not a guy, but I know that's true for me.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:50am
What I am trying to get across is that I may start thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, and will never be satisfied always thinking to holdout for the someone out there who I may beleive is better.
which I believe is why a lot of guys are reluctant to commit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:53am
Thanks for you reply
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:57am
Thanks for the advice I will try to look for this book this weekend and I hope it
will give me some insight into all of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:59am
Thanks for your reply,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:04am

>>What I am trying to get across is that I may start thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, and will never be satisfied always thinking to holdout for the someone out there who I may beleive is better.<<

Personal experience... the guy I dated for five years left me for this reason. He actually told me he was "always looking for something better" (ouch). The same guy came crawling back to me eight months later after he realized "nobody was better than me."
In that eight months, I had the chance to realize that *I* deserved better and there was no way I was taking him back. I still love him, but I deserve someone who appreciates me and doesn't always have one eye on the door.

My point is, if you find something good - don't take it for granted. It is incredibly rare to truly connect with another human being. When you find it, don't throw it away because society has programmed you to think there's always someone else who is sexier, prettier, funnier, whatever.

Go into dating knowing what you want. Do you want a life-long relationship? Do you just want a casual fling? If you get real with yourself at the beginning about what you really want for today and for the long-term, you can stay true to that for yourself.

If you honestly believe that you will struggle with always looking for something better, I think that's something to tackle on your own before you date and bring another person into it. Figure out what might make you prone to that tendency and address the real issue.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 6:37pm
Good advice :-) To the OP I say that being yourself, figuring out what you want and staying true to that is great advice. Whenever we try to be someone we are not we just end up hurting ourselves and others.
Tallgirl, I admire your strength in not taking your boyfriend back when he came back even if you loved him. I had no idea that he asked for you back. I knew that you had been in a 5 year relationship before. This is a prime example of loving yourself and not accepting anything less :-)

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