To nice / polite?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:15pm |
Well, I will try to keep this as short as I can . . .but think it will be a little long. It is relevant to very specific comments made by my last girlfriend.
First, let be very clear what this is NOT about . . . Bad boy / good boy anything . . confidence, security / insecurity or any of that “stuff”.
Quick background, ex wife, bipolar and very, very narcissistic. I did that for 18 years. For those who have been with people like this, this will need no explanation, for those lucky enough not to have had this experience . .I could not convey it anyway, suffice it to say it is an unpleasant place to be when treatment is refused, and from others I have talked to very hard even with treatment.
Anyway . . .my ex girlfriend. Now she was a wonderful woman. Got to spend something like a year and a half with her, and lived with her for six months. In the end . . .between my job, the stress of money, took a big load out of my marriage even with a great job and income at the time, it was kind of a wash regarding money . . . a few other issues . . .in the end it did not work. She was not in love with me and it was time to go. I got it. We never fought, even in the hours of conversation during our separation . . .one of the things I loved about her. Solid girl. We had 2 or 3 small spats, silly issues where I raised my voice at all in the whole time we were together, and I apologized for it each time as the value of subject compared to her . . . .I meant it.
Now . . .this is the crux of it . . .
During those hours of conversation . . the two small things that are sticking with me . . the things I am not sure I understand if it is “my” issue or “hers” . . .
She said I was to nice, too polite.
I am again going to keep this real, in our discussions about . . .the “most personal interactions” between us . . she said I “raised the bar” to a point she was concerned about ever enjoying it the same way again, and frankly I felt the same way . . . we were VERY compatible in all “those” areas. (-: It was not about all that “stuff”. I was very open around her . . . and am not always so polite . .LOL It was very specific.
What she set out as her examples . . . she said I never complained about anything. And that “made her feel like a “b” if she did complain in contrast. And those few little fights, the apologizes I offered . . she hated that, really hated it . . they really, really turned her off. When she at last told me about this . . . it was clearly a very big deal to her.
I have thought a lot about this . . .part of it for me . . . my time in the service, my life, my marriage . . I think my “threshold” regarding what constitutes an issue was much higher than hers. Plus, I am an only kid, she came from a huge family . . a life time of different interactions . . . but I am still interested in thoughts . . . I feel this has as much to do with me understanding how something is affecting the person I am with at least as much as how it affects me . . . and how I might resolve this in future relationships.
What was wrong with being good to her, in saying I was sorry when I truly was . . or not complaining when I had nothing to complain about? And worst . . .as I “really” never thought of complaining . . .how would I fix something like that in the future and prevent another woman from feeling those . . . feelings of constraint . . .she seemed to feel?
Just for the record, in another short relationship . . I had a lot to complain about and did . . .(-; I just would hate to lose another girl like the one in question.
I would be very interested in outside views.

Pages
Woops sorry I thought it was your exwife. LOL
Smile,
Deirdre
This is my take.
I like nice guys too. However, when you're intimate with someone, it's not necessary to say thank you, sorry, "love means never having to say you're sorry" I don't mean "never" but you know what I mean - all the common courtesy that one uses with someone less familiar. When you're with someone for so long, observing little formalities like that becomes a chore. You can tell if your SO is sorry or thankful by the way they look or act towards you. That's why sometime I don't like to go to parties and such where you have to be formal and all nice.
By no means I'm proposing to be rude towards your loved ones but like lack of consideration, politeness can be done to excess and makes for stiff relations.
I dated a guy briefly. Later he had another gf. When we talked he told me he was more attracted to me than her initially b/c I had a strong personality unlike her who bent over backward for him. So be yourself and just let her see the real you.
I found this facanating . . . insightful. And I think I have to explain . . .whats new. (-: But you don’t know me . . and you hit an important coard.
Marine . . do you know any young guys that are in or fresh out . . how do they talk? (-: What is their favorit word?
Then I went to work in male domanated jobs for years . . that very coarse, rough . . even fowl talk fit just fine.
Well, I will skip transition and maturing . . surfice it to say I had to learn to “talk” again . . .
And now . . slaes . . very rich customers . . .formality matters some. A trained responce . . very intresting thought.
This was a facinating response overall . . it takes all of what was said across the board, . . . and might just add a very important part of the puzzle . . It might be as simple as I have allowed work . . and . . an effort to adjust . . to seep way to far into me . . . woth some real thought. Have I just allowed a scale to swing to far in an oppiset direction. Every resonce so far has felt a little true . . but this one hit something I have missed all together.
Hmmmm . . quite intresting.
Don't over analyze relationships. Most women, especially those readying to leave, are not worth the effort to keep. A lot of guys try to hold on to their women mainly because they lack the self confidence in finding others.
Also, look for satisfaction in things other than relationships. Find stuff that you enjoy doing. Because despite what you hear or read about in the media, in the end its not relationships that bring you happiness. Happiness (or satisfaction as I like to call it) is in doing the things we like to do and maintaining a positive attitude. The reason the media presents romantic visions of relationships is because it makes us yearn, promising that mythical pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It makes us think that if only we could be in a relationship such as the one we see before ourselves, we would find everlasting happiness. Its a myth! What relationships provide are temporary euphoria and great sex during an initial courting period, before fizzling out. Look around yourself. People are constantly changing partners, jumping from relationship to relationship thinking the next one is going to be better. Will it ? It won't. If you are getting into a new relationship because you want a change from present company, that's fine. But don't expect any more. Just remember relationships have shelf lives. Once a relationship has run its course, let it go. They are not worth saving.
Not so many years ago . . I would have written this. . .
Just for the record . . I have let her go. I really have. I do continue however to look close at what I almost had. I was ready to marry again . . and it would have been another mistake.
That concerns me greatly. I am looking hard at what I missed. The importance in HUGE to me.
The hours and weeks of the separation . . such honest conversation . . . no fights . . just honest reflection and acceptance. Her and I suffer real insecurities . . . but she was also a very courageous woman. I just will not diss this woman.
And you are dead on . . .we spent a year where “fantasy” overruled reality. But all that being said . . .I will always be happy alone, but never complete. I am one man who knows that I am happiest “in” a relationship that is real. It is me . . who I am . . my balance. I knew it before this woman . . but she wrote it in cement . . (-: As a miss goes . . she was as close as it gets . . . she got my attention. I am not looking for another “her” . .but she showed me a lot in what I should look for. She was one of the few times in my life I could sit back and say . . .I am just plain happy.
That is a great thing in so many ways . . . but concerning as well in so many ways. As such . . .I am having this conversation in front of the world. (-: I want to marry again . . I sure hope I get it right if I do . . . . .. . . it sure sucks when you get it wrong. What was I missing “again”. . . . and why?. . . when we are “in” . . men or woman . . . we get a bit blinded . . don’t we? Just want to see some things I assume? It is what I would say to someone else. (-:
Well . . .you got a good response from me . . .good impute . . (-: I really promised myself I would not respond after one of my responses . . . I just have found that this found a little depth, understanding even . . . I might just learn from this post. (-: . . Not such a bad thing. (-:
I need to get my self . . single . . or in deep . . I spent so much time “single” . . I am pretty good at it . . but I just don’t think I want it ay more. I think I know what I need. And you are missing it . . . I am fine alone . . . just not complete.
All in all . . I find I am glad I stuck this out there . . . a lot of truth has come back from it. Not all fun . . or easy . . . but honest truth.
Pages